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Posts by bubba303
Joined: Sep 3, 2009
Last Post: Nov 29, 2009
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bubba303   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UC PROMPT 1 - FAMILY/MARRIAGE THERAPIST - PSYCHOLOGY [10]

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement. (Word Count: 509)

Six o'clock in the morning, I woke up to the sounds of yelling and cursing from down the hallway. I rose from my bed, tiptoed over to my door, and twisted my doorknob as slowly as possible, trying my very hardest not to make a single noise. I poke my head out and there stood my parents. I saw tears streaming down from my mom's pale, sunken cheeks and heard wounding words spewing from my dad's mouth. This wasn't just one morning's mishap; their feuds were ongoing and occurred often throughout my teenage years.

While growing up, it was difficult for me to interpret my parents' arguments and understand why they were so unhappy together, but still married. Vivid images of them breaking each other apart mentally linger in my head. Around this time, my siblings were too young to understand, my parents too busy with work, and my friends too caught up with boys. I felt alone in a world where no one understood me. As months drifted by, I constantly punished myself for being the source of the problem. I thought that because I wasn't the straight A student, music prodigy, or statewide spelling bee winner, I wasn't the daughter they wanted.

During my first year in high school my understanding for my parents' behavior gradually surfaced. I owe it all to my tennis coach for the frequent heart-to-heart conversations regarding my problems at home. Patiently, he would explain to me the difficulties of parenthood-the stress that comes with working, paying bills, and providing for a family. He enlightened me with words of wisdom, which in the end enabled me to empathize with my parents' actions on a better level. He assured me that I wasn't the reason for their arguments by hammering into my head that my parents love and care for me. Because of my coach, I acquired a better understanding for my parents' behavior and was able to recapture my self-confidence, which in the end allowed me to veer my life towards a more positive direction.

Growing up without having someone to talk to and understand me was challenging. My experience enabled me to value the importance of having someone to open up to when in need. During my last two years in high school, I volunteered at a church with underprivileged, struggling kids. Being able to provide them the support and motivation they needed to succeed and move forward with life was rewarding. Like my coach, I want to be a mentor for young individuals, one who they can reach to for a helping hand. Through my involvement in the volunteer program and experience growing up, my desire to study psychology and become a guidance counselor solidified. With a strong understanding of human behavior, I will be able to provide proper guidance to individuals, especially teenagers, during a perplexing time in their lives. Instead of peeking my head from behind a door, retreating before I even took a step, I want to be able to open doors, advancing before I can lead.
bubba303   
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / UC PROMPT 1 - FAMILY/MARRIAGE THERAPIST - PSYCHOLOGY [10]

I made several more modifications to my third and last paragraph and that is why I'm reposting. Sorry.

Please, read over this and provide me with as much insight/suggestions as possible (grammar, ideas, sentence structure, vocabulary, etc.)!

Thank you!

bubba303   
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Old Pride" - 500 words personnal statement. [9]

here are a few suggestions:

No, he graded it correctly .

Suddenly, I realized that I had just received the worst grade ever.

Ten months before, at the beginning of my 8th grade year , I was introduced to online video games.

I would lie to my mom about doing homework when instead I was trying to find an exotic weapon for my character in the game.

As a result, my grades plummeted completely .

whenever they talked about my (add an adjective to describe the grade you earned) grade

I studied days and nights (instead of stating it directly, try to give the reader an image of what it was like to study day and night, possibly like studying until the break of dawn... i don't know, but you can be creative right here.)

instead of 30%, spell out thirty percent

One year went by

good luck with the rest of the revision. read your essay aloud and then you'll be able to recognize certain parts that need to be fixed.
bubba303   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Undergraduate transfer personal statement to UCs: Accounting/finace [3]

I like how talk about numbers in your second part (it's different), but I'm not a big fan of numbers being categorized as "sexy" and "naughty." For me, it just seems kind of inappropriate.

"Born in a typical family in China, I'm an only child in my family who was placed on great expectation by my parents."

This sentence is awkward, rearrange the words or rephrase it.

"I deal with numbers even I firmly believed that"
What do you believe? The fact that you deal with numbers a lot. This sentence is also awkward and unclear.
Read your essay aloud and fix that parts that sound awkward to you. There were a number of sentences that sounded off to me. Also, check over your grammar.
bubba303   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / UC PROMPT 1 - FAMILY/MARRIAGE THERAPIST - PSYCHOLOGY [10]

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Six o'clock in the morning, I wake up to the sounds of someone yelling and cursing from down the hallway. I rise from my bed, tiptoe over to my door, and twist my doorknob as slowly as possible, trying my very hardest not to make a single noise. I peek my head out and there stood my parents. I see tears streaming down from my mom's pale, sunken cheeks and hear hateful words spewing from my dad's mouth. It wasn't just one morning; it was an ongoing occurrence that took place all throughout my childhood.

-This is my introduction so far. I plan on going on to explain why growing up like this is one of the reasons why I want to be a family/marriage therapist and go on to further my knowledge in the field of psychology.

-How is my idea so far? Should I trash it? I'm always so dissatisfied with my writing and struggle the most with my introductions.

-How is the grammar? Are you able to picture this? I'm trying to go for that whole showing instead of telling approach. It's hard!

Any input/suggestions will greatly be appreciated! Thanks!

bubba303   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1- Living with one foot in two worlds [4]

I think you can take out your first sentence and open your essay with the second sentence instead. In my opinion, the second sentence would work as a better hook.

In the literal world, she was an advocate of doing things right the first time around.

I like where you're going with this essay, but in your second paragraph I don't think it's necessary to state "in my literal world" and "in my figurative world" as much as you did.

Good job so far though. Don't trash it!
bubba303   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / I want to push the submit button tonight (Stanford) [19]

wow, your essays are really amazing. i love how you do a very good job at showing the reader, rather than telling. stanford is a great school and i hope you get in!
bubba303   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Volunteering at the hospital program made me proud and led to the person that I am today. [9]

You use many twice in this sentence. Try substituting it with another word.
Through the volunteer program at my hospital, I was able to gain a small first hand account of the many things that go on in the hospital and the many opportunities that it has for me to help others.

Maybe you can use different sentence starters to make this a bit better.
The hospital gave me the opportunity to help others and contribute to not just the hospital, but to my community through new, intricate ways. The volunteer program didn't just teach how to gain leadership, but how to use that leadership to help others in the hospital and around the community. The volunteer program also broke the silent, shy personality that was within me. The program broke that quality and created a new one where I was open to help people in and out of the hospital.

Volunteering at the hospital program made me proud and led me to be the person that I am today.

This is a good essay, but I think it can be a lot better. I especially like your opening sentence. The kettle corn stuck in your brother's ear, that's interesting.
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