Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by sisi999
Name: Serena Park
Joined: Apr 14, 2018
Last Post: Apr 16, 2018
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
Likes: 2
From: Saudi Arabia
School: King Khalid School

Displayed posts: 7
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sisi999   
Apr 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / Academic IELTS: Writing Task 2: Importance of Planting Trees in Cities and Towns [6]

Thanks for your comment!
It never occurred to me how paragraph 3 went slightly off topic. Timing myself on my first attempt was a terrible decision. I was adding extra random ideas to hit at least 250 words. I ended up having no time to read through what I had written as half of the time went on me counting my words...As for the collocation issue, I agree with your comments. On another note what is the name of the ebook you recommend?
sisi999   
Apr 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / Academic IELTS: Writing Task 2: Importance of Planting Trees in Cities and Towns [6]

Thanks for your comment!
I did notice a repetition of "cities and/or towns" but didn't know what to replace it with.
As for paragraphing... its basically: intro -> para1(clean air+beauty) -> para2(less costly) -> para3(park) -> conclusion
Also, I didn't mention my reasons in the intro as I am following "ieltsliz" format for a possible band score 9 essay. Check her website out, it's really helpful.

"moreover is used when you are introducing a new point." It doesn't sound right for me to start a new paragraph with "moreover"
sisi999   
Apr 15, 2018
Writing Feedback / Academic IELTS: Writing Task 2: Importance of Planting Trees in Cities and Towns [6]

Some people think that planting trees in open space in cities and towns is more important than building houses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

more flora in urban areas



My timed (40 min) answer (264 words):

It appears that the public prefers to grow trees rather than residential buildings, in empty spots, in a city or a town, as it is considered of more significance. In my opinion, I agree that trees add greater value to cities and towns.

Firstly, cities and towns are bound to be packed with people and cars which leads to air pollution. Scattering trees around would be the easiest way to create cleaner and fresher air. Not only do they help clean the air, but trees are also a great method to enhance the natural beauty of a city or town. In other words, with cities and towns being over industrialised and urbanised, a glimpse of green spots here and there would never be condemned.

With respect to residential buildings, most cities and towns nowadays utilise apartments rather than houses. Thus, if the population is to expand, apartments may increase their number of floors to accommodate for more residents. This method is in fact less costly when compared building a housing area from scratch.

Another point to consider is the possibility of creating a park. If an empty area is large enough, a park can be created with a variety of trees planted. Such a new spot can produce an influx of visitors, moreover helping the economy of the given city or town.

In conclusion, I think that trees are of a greater value to a city or town when compared with residential buildings. Their presence adds an aesthetically appealing element while also aiding on a practical level with cleaner air and perhaps an improved economy as well.

ps. I would appreciate a rough band score. On another note, I thought my writing and overall ideas presented not on par with my usual writing. I think this was because I timed myself...Thank you in advance!
sisi999   
Apr 15, 2018
Writing Feedback / Group members as well as the tour guide both add restrictions to the travel [3]

I hope i do not sound rude but I couldn't read past the second paragraph.

The first thing that stood out for me is jumping between writing in first person and in second person. What do I mean by that could be explained by the following:

"Further, this difference of interests would lead to ..." You were originally talking about yourself and suddenly you say "would lead" instead of "lead us" and later "you....".

Another thing that made me jump out of my seat and directly type you back is the following:
"Think about it when you were admiring some beautiful art crafts in a museum, ... your group are busy taking pictures with their funny postures and talking aloud. How annoying would it be?"

You have managed to add the past, present, and future all at once! If you started with the past tense then definitely follow through with it at least for your example. On another note I crossed out "art crafts" as what the objects you see in a museum are called "artifacts". In addition, it is better to use "poses" instead of "postures" for picture taking.

Also I am not sure of the grading system for the TOEFL exam. Thus, I am not sure if writing in the first person might actually decrease your score. You may need to check on that.

I hope my comment turns out to be helpful in some way.
sisi999   
Apr 15, 2018
Writing Feedback / WE COULD NEVER LEARN TO BE BRAVE AND PATIENT, IF THERE WERE ONLY JOY IN THE WORLD [4]

Overall, to some extent I understood where you stood with respect to your agreement with the quote given. However, I had a difficulty reading through as there were several grammar mistakes here and there. This lead to some sentences being confusing.

For instance:
It is incorrect to say "being courageous behaviour"
"and is the virtue that is hard to acquire" could be changed to "difficult virtue to acquire"

Another example: "Tackling problems requires boldness to ..."
I had a rough time comprehending what you were trying to convey with this sentence. You defined bravery and then you suddenly started talking about how to tackle problems. If you were attempting to give an example on how bravery helps or is important for tackling problems, then it would be better to add "For example,...". Another issue I had with this sentence is the lack of commas. With no commas, everything gets mixed together and the meaning of the sentence is lost.

The sentence may be changed as follows:
"For example, tackling problems requires the boldness, to take action, and the persistence, to try and keep faith, that come with bravery."

I am in no means an expert, nonetheless I hope my comment turns out to be useful in some way.
sisi999   
Apr 14, 2018
Writing Feedback / Academic IELTS Writing Task 1: Movie Tickets Sales by Genre from 1980 till 2010 [3]

money spent for watching movies in cinemas



Given: The graph below shows the number of movie tickets sold around the world each year from 1980 to 2010. Ticket sales, according to genre, are presented in millions.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


This is my answer (177 words):

The line graph presented illustrates the sum of money, in millions, spent on movie tickets, from 1980 to 2010. The movie ticket sales are grouped according to movie type. The movie types include comedy, action/adventure, documentary, horror, and comedy.

Overall, the sales, with respect to most of the movie types, have increased over the past 20 years. The sales of comedy movie tickets failed to follow this trend, as they presented an overall drop in sales. Past the year 2000, the action/adventure and animation movie tickets showcase the steepest increase in sales.

In terms of sales, action/adventure and animation movies yielded the most in the year 2010 (around 1500 million and 1200 million respectively). Documenary and horror movies also presented an increase in sales however, at a much steady pace.

On the other hand, the sales of comedy movie tickets were gradually dropping from the year 1980 till 2000. In 2010, there was a rebound (from around 390 million to around 590 million). Nonetheless, this rebound in sales was still less than the sales generated in 1980 (around 620 million).

ps. I would really appreciate a rough band score. This is my first attempt and I would like to see were I stand.



  • The graph given
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