Posts by tamcsp

tamcsp

Aug 16, 2018

Undergraduate / How does this look as a gap year essay? Taking a gap year and going to plan a startup or something.. [3]

I know your purpose but I think you should know your readers more. They want to hear about your detailed plan, why your started that business but not others, what difficulties you've faced along the way. That tells them all about your purpose of gaining personal growth outside traditional classroom setting.

And I still don't understand why "not books"? what's its role here?

Hope that you have more fun in proofreading!

tamcsp

Aug 16, 2018

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: A BAN ON ALL FORMS OF ADVERTISING? SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT? [3]

Hello Linh,

You vocab is amazing, strong with tons of leveraged words and your grammar is somewhat perfect.

...n will lead to the expansion of foreign ...(I think the cohesion is weak here. Why advertisements - any connections btw globalization - expansion?) Advertisements have created advantages to ...(you can check on google "create advantages". Quite not the collocation) So if we enforce a ban to ...(unclear. I think you can read it again to the see what you want to convey)

Overall, I think simplicity is the best in writing. If you use google more, you might be able to find better ways to convey what you want without circumvention. And if possible, you can spend some time reading articles on the topic to get ideas, good topic-related expressions, and many more.

Please try other ways of "...". You can put a full stop.

Best of luck with your next draft!

tamcsp

Aug 16, 2018

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1: The population and its birth rate and death rates in an area in the UK. [2]

Hi Minh,

Your vocab range is varied enough for a 6.0 I think. So is your grammar.

There are some wordings I would like to change/ clarify:
The phrases regional population on 100 years comparison point can be quite confusing. You can change the former into "the number of inhabitants in millions" (since you have mention "one particular region" in the intro. As with the latter, I have a hard time figuring out what you want to say.

In the 3rd paragraph, the logic isn't quite right:
"The percentages of born and dead ...". What you have been talking about is the "rate", not the number/ percentage of people so please be careful.

Good luck with the next draft!

tamcsp

Aug 16, 2018

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Art education in high school? [3]

Please help me with this essay! I'm still practicing. Big thank!

You should spend 40 minutes on this task.
Art classes, such as painting and drawing, are as important for children's development as other subjects, so it should be compulsory in high school. Do you agree or disagree?

You should write at least 250 words.

school curriculum WITH OR WITHOUT ART

Art is without doubt an essential part of life, thus the assertion to add it to high school curriculum has its own validity. Personally, I believe such subjects of painting, drawing, or even sculpturing can make fantastic options in students' learning program.

It is clear that art classes can become a form of relaxation. More physically involved lessons give students a pleasant escape from the daily grind of academic subjects. Instead of getting stressed out with numbers and events, students can pour their hearts out with songs and pictures, which ultimately gives them a great boost of energy. More importantly, art lessons enhance students' creativity and sense of independence. No works of art are the same. Students are, in such classes, encouraged to produce and own their art. This results in students having stronger sense of self and being more willing to voice their opinion.

It, however, is undeniable that imposing art classes on high schoolers can be counter-productive. Students in such age group have already faced with a myriad of problems, either personal or learning-related. Consequently, making art compulsory might turn out as another burden for some students who simply show no interest or barely own any skills for it. Also, art lessons usually fail to equip students with adequate knowledge of the field to successfully produce anything in a limited amount of time. Thus, it can be a waste of time and money for both schools and students.

In summary, introducing art-related subjects in curriculum can do wonders to students' mental and physical development when being optional. What most students need is not a burden but a room for letting their hair down and being creative.