Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Essay - Collaboration with others, including peers, mentors, and professors [3]

a time when you worked with others and what you learned from the experience

Can you help me improve my essay, I greatly appreciate your feedback on any additions or subtractions. I want to know if I've really brought out the element of collaboration, or how well I've tried to answer this prompt. I am over the word count by 60 words,

Write a brief essay (300-400 words) in which you respond to the following question: Successful students at Johns Hopkins make the biggest impact by collaborating with others, including peers, mentors, and professors. Talk about a time, in or outside the classroom, when you worked with others and what you learned from the experience.

This summer, I had the opportunity of working as a casual kitchen porter at Holiday Inn Hotel in Bulawayo. The work experience introduced me to hot, humid and physically demanding working conditions, and one of a kind collaborative effort I hadn't rubbed shoulders with before in my life.

Standing seven and half hours, elbow-deep in scolding hot water cleaning dishes, with the tottering piles of dirty pans, cutlery, dishes,... in leaps and bounds, with no sign of progress in my work, and with ballooning pressure in a fast paced environment, I could have thrown in the towel the first day I was called to do this very demanding job. Feeling bone-tired after a long shift, with pruney fingers, sore hands, and aching feet, I could not help but think of my first work experience as somewhat daunting. Surprisingly, I endured and stood the heat, not because of the monetary benefits. What drew me into loving my work was the collaborative atmosphere that cultivated a sense of appreciation of how my work influenced my co-workers and the whole cycle in the kitchen.

My pace had a direct impact on the chefs, the waiters, and other staff in the kitchen. With no clean pans or dishes, nothing was going to be cooked and served on the table. Hence, I was bound to engage with temperamental chefs and waiters who were always on my toes or who were always breathing down my neck. "I want this...How come all dishes are still in the line....can't you be fast Mr." These were compliments from some of the burnt out staff and chefs. But most of the time, when a waiter or chef came looking for a dish, a steamer tray, or anything else, they wore a warm smile. "Hello, how are doing? How is it going here...can I have this? Oh, thanks." The way they greeted me and took to conversation showed me a sign of respect they had, and that I was not alone in this. My work combined with theirs is what produced the best dish to be served for the clients. My mind became occupied talking with people who came to my station each minute with dirty dishes, or to get something, or just for a breather. And that way, I remained calm under pressure in a highly stressed out environment.

People may play different roles in a collaborative effort, but each contribution is vital for the success of the team. The open air between the staff at my workplace uplifted me to work with people whom I thought would look down on me as a porter. Through them, I observed that my pace and commitment to my work had a direct impact on almost every aspect of food preparation and serving.

Undergraduate / Common app Personal essay- recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. [4]

The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

I need your help in editing, and proofreading my common app essay below, which answers the question above.

The special gift...

It was past dusk as we approached Nketa drive one Sunday evening. Drawing the last bits of energy from my fatigued muscles, I wrestled the cart which held my family's belongings, with my mother and twin brother lumbering beside me. All of a sudden, four men emerged before us, all donned in caps, and black hooded tops, and armed with knives. I felt butterflies in my stomach. The three of us stood still, stupefied, and feeling as helpless as ever. My mind was all blank; I nerved myself to face whatever was to happen, and at the same time gave a whisper to my mother, "let's just give in to their demands, so that they will live us alone." But, I was wrong! They never left us, instead they wanted more than what we could offer.

It had been a hectic Sunday as my mother had spent all day looking for just a room for us to rent, while my siblings and I went to weekend school, after which we came back and packed our stuff. It took us till evening to pack our belongings to where we had found our new home. However, on that last straw, a dramatic turn of events would change my life forever.

The robbery incident left us in shambles. My mother sustained a deep cut on her forehead and was hospitalized for a week, while my twin brother and I incurred minor bruises on the head. With the breadwinner of the family in hospital, my siblings and I were left to fend for ourselves. We took turns to sell vegetables and fruits just to keep up with our daily needs. And even after my mother recovered, she had to take time off her vending business. The responsibility of seeing that everything in the house was in order now rested on my siblings and me. Surviving became a hassle. I couldn't stand the sight of my mother, all frail and incapacitated; with no one to lean on, and the ever increasing financial burden, she was plunged into a state of emotional turmoil.

Special gifts do not come on a silver platter, they are earned! On that Sunday evening, just a few weeks before my senior year final exams) I earned a special drive for success.

Reflecting on my life, I found I couldn't give up just like that. My mother sacrificed her world for my siblings and I to have made it that far, and she had done her job well in the face of all the hardships. But with the drawbacks beset by the robbery incident, her world was crumbling right before her very own eyes. It was high time I stood up for my family. At that moment, I realized that my exams had a big role in the turnaround of my family. I held my head high; pushed myself to succeed, to inspire my siblings, and to give that glimmer of hope to my beleaguered mother. I pushed myself to show my siblings that hardships are part of life, and that nobody can change our life, except we push ourselves. And that realization became my stepping stone into a new life.

But how did this shape me?
Despite all the storms that hit my family and me, I grew to become a self-made individual. I learnt to build a bridge and get over it. I learnt that family is everything. I learnt that I controlled my future, and have the power to make it better. I learnt to collaborate with my siblings, and became an inspiration to our mother.

As I turn on a new leaf, and prepare for college-and beyond-I bear in mind that there will be challenges, even greater that what I've experienced. But, I am willing to fall, and rise up stronger. I am willing to collaborate with peers to make life better for us all.