Posts by buglady

buglady

Sep 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I started quizzing' - This is my extracurricular statement [3]

I started quizzing during my sophomore year. ~~Anyone in middle school or high school is eligible for the quiz team~~ . When I started, I fell behind during the first two months because of SAT's (Why did you fall behind due to SAT's? Studying? Completing them?) . This (This what? Naked "this.") put me at a disadvantage, and I was clearly a handicap to my team. Kids in sixth grade were doing far better than me because I was not able to catch up. ~~I did not let this bother me, and~~ the next year I was able to prioritize and I was prepared for every quiz (How did you prepare?) . I brought my team through the district division and the regional division. I myself moved up to the national division and won first place team. Now, all the younger kids look up to me not only as a great quizzer, but also a persevering man.

buglady

Oct 18, 2009

Undergraduate / "In my hands, I held a jar of flames" (U of I admission essay) [8]

Do you think if I added a paragraph describing what I want out of my college education in between the 3rd and 4th paragraphs I could use this essay for another prompt?:

Describe how your college education will allow you to achieve your personal or professional goals.

(500 words or fewer)

buglady

Oct 4, 2009

Undergraduate / He played the violin; The sound of music [11]

the descriptions are clear and unique. it's obvious how passionate you are about music. I know you don't want to, but I think you need to cut out some the the description to make room to answer the actual prompt. We get the idea that you LOVE the violin but how is this a strength/weakness and be specific!

Just rework it a little and it will be awesome

buglady

Oct 4, 2009

Essays / help me with descriptive essay (on society or culture) [3]

I think your topic is good.

Begin with a personal anecdote to get started like an attention-getter. While you may decide to trash this later, it's good to get something down to get started. Plus, if you decide to keep it, the reader will want to keep reading your story. Also, the anecdote will remind you of your own feelings you had during the divorce so it'll be easier to be descriptive.

You can try mapping out where you want to take your topic in a graphic organizer. That way, you can organize your thoughts and see your topic better.

I think the religious conflict is very interesting. Where do you stand on this? Were you on a side too? Write about that and gradually ease into the bigger picture: society and culture.

My best advice is just to start writing. Anything you write can be fixed later, but you just need to start putting your ideas down.

buglady

Oct 3, 2009

Undergraduate / "172 pounds." - Need help with the main essay. [7]

The theme of the essay is very sweet; however, there is a lot of work to be done.

First, what is the essay topic and how long does it need to be?

You have a problem with tenses, you switch from the past tense to the present tense sometimes in the same sentence which makes your essay confusing. Figure out what tense you want to write in, and then try to keep it that same tense throughout. Even better, have someone (like a teacher) help you with verb tenses.

Some of the descriptions sound like you took a thesaurus and picked out a random word that you don't really know the meaning of. Examples: intensive curiosity, explosive enthusiasm, redundant big body. Make sure the words you are using agree with what you're describing.

Also, in the 5th paragraph, I'd leave out the quotations and start the paragraph a different way. The quotes are unnecessary and I don't understand where you're going with them.

In the last paragraph, reword the sentence without using "therefore." That word is out of place there. Same paragraph, don't use a slash for "his/herself." "His or herself" is more proper.

Fix up this essay and it will be great!

buglady

Oct 3, 2009

Undergraduate / "In my hands, I held a jar of flames" (U of I admission essay) [8]

Here it is again, revised a little. It's mostly the same, but some sentences added on the end. Thanks for the feedback!

In my hands, I held a jar of flames; tiny bursts of light that scurried upside down and flew from one side to the other. After watching the captured fireflies bustle around so furiously in their glass prison, it amazed me to watch them unfold their wings so delicately and float away like dandelion seeds seconds after I unscrewed the top to the jar. Lying on my back in the damp grass, I would watch them drift upward until they blended in with the stars, glowing pinpricks in the velvet sky.

Ever since I was a child, I have been awestruck by the beauty of nature and living creatures. Nothing was safe from my curious fingertips as I dislodged stones and pushed back tall grass finding life in the most surprising places.

Growing older, my depth of understanding has grown through education and my childhood observations have been organized into hypotheses and theories. Although overwhelmed by the complexity of life sciences, I am driven to understanding nature down to the most minute cellular activities. What started as a childhood fascination has grown into a passion for the investigation of life, the application of scientific discoveries, and the conservation of Planet Earth.

The University of Illinois houses a unique department that adheres directly to my interests: the Department of Entomology. An Individual Plan of Study program, entomology at U of I is attractive because it allows me to design my own schedule specific to my interests. At the University of Illinois, I will take my passion to new heights by majoring in entomology and minoring in environmental studies. After school, I wish to work to conserve the Earth for future generations so no one will be deprived of witnessing the beauty and power of nature.

buglady

Sep 24, 2009

Undergraduate / "In my hands, I held a jar of flames" (U of I admission essay) [8]

Hi. So I like this essay, but I'm pretty sure I spend too much time talking about where my interests originated and not enough time talking about what I want to do with them at U of I... what do you think? By the way, it is the correct length.

Prompt: Discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
Length: Less than 300 words

In my hands, I held a jar of flames; tiny bursts of light that scurried upside down and flew from one side to the other. After watching the captured fireflies bustle around so furiously in their glass prison, it amazed me to watch them unfold their wings so delicately and float away like dandelion seeds seconds after I unscrewed the top to the jar. Lying on my back in the damp grass, I would watch them drift upward until they blended in with the stars, glowing pinpricks in the velvet sky.

Ever since I was a child, I have been awestruck by the beauty of nature. Life, from the tiniest ant crawling on my foot to the elephants I saw at the zoo, captivated me. Spending hours outside, I let nature fill my senses as I explored the world around me. Nothing was safe from my curious fingertips as I dislodged stones and pushed back tall grass finding life in the most surprising places.

Growing older, my depth of understanding has grown through education and my childhood observations have been organized into hypotheses and theories. Over the years, my sense of wonder only became stronger. Although overwhelmed by the complexity of life sciences, I am driven to understanding nature down to the most minute cellular activities. What started as a childhood fascination has grown into a profound passion for the investigation of life, the application of scientific discoveries, and the conservation of Planet Earth.

At the University of Illinois, I will take my passion to new heights by majoring in biology and minoring in environmental studies. After school, I wish to work to conserve the Earth for future generations so no one will be deprived of witnessing the beauty and power of nature.