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He played the violin; The sound of music


pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Oct 4, 2009   #1
Psychologist Howard Gardner has identified nine types of intelligences: linguistic, logical-mathematical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, musical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, naturalist, and existential. Choose one that you identify with and discuss a few personal experiences that show your strength and/or weakness in this area of intelligence. (500 Word Limit)

My essay is 475 words as of now.
I don't think I like the second paragraph... do you?? I really like my first and third though.

I thought I fell in love with a boy at the age of eight when in actuality I fell in love with music. He played the violin. His small fingertips prancing on the fingerboard, his sharp chin leaning softly on the chinrest, his curved hand swiftly brushing the bow against the string. How can one make such a beautiful string of harmonic resonance only through simple taps on metallic lines and repetitious sawing of the horse-haired bow? How can one dedicate so many hours, tapping and sawing away? How can one possibly practice to play twenty different notes in one beat or play twenty beats in one bowing? My young love inspired to me to too prance my fingers away on the fingerboard and brush a bow against the string, and surprisingly, his inspiration has led to make me the violinist I am today. I became the perfectionist of intonation, the conquistador of emotion, and the pioneer of the power to manipulate the aura of atmosphere through music.

I stand under the spotlight in front of a crowd whose eyes shine through the pitch black. As I breathe in a gulp of vitality, the violin is suddenly a piece of me, transforming into a mouth of a different language. I soon forget the many eyes focusing on me; rather I duelve into a world of expressions via sounds. It's the rich, fat fortes of passion and yearnings; the effervescent, zesty staccato of young at heart; the lethargic, ethereal legato of peace that travels as imperceptible wind of spirit, swimming through the thin air, diving into the ear, and burying into the heart of every listeners. Music is life that has immense power bigger than that of a man - a power to heal, to worship, to fulfill, to enlighten, to encourage, and even to annoy. I can only imagine the silent staleness of life without music.

Music: the articulated ring of each note together dancing in harmony. A language of no speakable words yet heard the most. Notes, the letters of another world and of another realm, existent only through our ears. Can you hear it? Listen. It's a symphony of life, carrying a soul, a spirit, a strength to swipe us away into a moving river of melody. Can you feel it? Listen. Music is my inertia of life. It is that that keeps me running at a hundred miles an hour, consistently flowing and swaying. It's the Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" booming on the radio in the car next to me on the highway; it's the famous Beethoven's 5th Symphony playing in the concert hall; it's the crunch of foots in the snow on a crispy, white winter morning.
kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #2
Im sorry, I have no idea what most of the words mean in your essay therefor it would be kind of hard to judge it.

but the first part

I thought I fell in love with a boy at the age of eight when in actuality I fell in love with music.

i think you should take out the i thought i fell in love with a boy part, i think you should just start with the love of music. because it is kind of pointless and cliche-y.

just my opinion though :]
verily - / 25  
Oct 4, 2009   #3
Haha, since we've been contributing, it seemed appropriate that I contribute to yours as well... XD

The first sentence is uncharacteristically awkward compared to the rest of the essay. I'm not really sure if the boy part should be taken out, but the "actuality" is strange and perhaps you should add in "his music" to avoid confusion? Also, delve, not "duelve."

I think this is a well described example of how you became such a musician, but you stray off the topic just a little bit. I didn't really catch your strengths and weaknesses, mostly just your feelings about music. It's well written, but keep in mind that you should always answer the prompt. This is the main problem: you describe music far too much compared to the second half of the prompt, especially since it's reminiscent of other poignant music-describing works.
mananj 2 / 8  
Oct 4, 2009   #4
hmm..I fell the last paragraph is a little off beat!!..

U cud connect it with the above paras better nd relate it to ureslef more!!

More personal experiences!!!
miss_accepted 1 / 2  
Oct 4, 2009   #5
wow good essay, and thanks for your advice on mine.
I actually like the boy part a lot, made the opening interesting. other than that i mostly agree with verily. your wording was beautiful but make sure that you not only use the fancy words but other common-yet-clear ones as well. and you gotta say something more about yourself, this is mainly about the violin and music and i can't see what kinda person you are through the essay.

anyway, good work, keep it up!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 4, 2009   #6
"burrowing", rather than "burying"

I like the essay overall. Your style is a bit different, and the essay stands out. I am concerned, though, that after reading your essay I still do not know what your strengths and weakness are when it comes to music, something you need to include to fully answer the prompt.
OP pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Oct 4, 2009   #7
haha thanks guys. i'll rewrite and repost. =D
sidhu - / 7  
Oct 4, 2009   #8
i think its ok at this stage but with a few minor tweaks it could be brilliants
TimMill 9 / 63  
Oct 4, 2009   #9
Hallo, you commented on my post (Letter to Roomie) so I figured I'd add my thoughts:

It's a good essay. I'm a musician too, so I know alot of what you're talking about. A few critiques and questions, though:

1. First line is cliched, but it works... I think. It's a toss up- if you can think of something better, change it, otherwise I think it's okay.

2. Overall the essay is wordy- if there were a greater word limit, that's fine- you chose good words. But working with only 500, I would cut some. For instance:

"How can one make such a beautiful string of harmonic resonance only through simple taps on metallic lines and repetitious sawing of the horse-haired bow?"

In that, 'string of harmonic resonance' is unnecessary- it could be replaced with something more concise and be equally good. Also, where are there metallic lines on a violin? If you mean the strings, that's not clear. Lines might not be the best word.

3. "My young love inspired to me to too prance my fingers away on the fingerboard and brush a bow against the string, and surprisingly, his inspiration has led to make me the violinist I am today."

'...inspired me to too' is weird. Change it. Also, you prance, or your fingers prance, but you don't prance your fingers. That's not how things work. And why is it surprising that love led to inspiration? Maybe a better transition word could help.

4. I became the perfectionist of intonation, the conquistador of emotion, and the pioneer of the power to manipulate the aura of atmosphere through music.

That's totally something I would write. I do stuff like that all the time. Keep the rhythm, but maybe change the word "conquistador", as it has a negative connotation and it doesn't really fit. Also, "the aura" is unneccesary- "the power to manipulate atmospheres with music" is fine. Or even drop atmosphere, and say mood, or something like that.

5. The crowds eyes should shine in the pitch black, not through it... but that's not very important, I guess that one is your choice. "Gulp of vitality" is awkward, though. Maybe reword the sentence: "I breathe deep, and suddenly the violin is an extension of my being, and we are united with one purpose: to make music." I like the rest of the second paragraph.

The third paragraph needs to be reworked. Remember the prompt: discuss experiences. As lovely as your narrative is, you only talk about one experience, and you do so sort of vaguely. Perhaps the name of the event, or some specific detail could make it more personal. Try not to get to theoretical- keep to things you've actually done and experienced.

I hope this helped! I always feel mean when I correct essays, because I'm very picky, but it really was good, it just needs a little work. Good luck!
buglady 1 / 6  
Oct 4, 2009   #10
the descriptions are clear and unique. it's obvious how passionate you are about music. I know you don't want to, but I think you need to cut out some the the description to make room to answer the actual prompt. We get the idea that you LOVE the violin but how is this a strength/weakness and be specific!

Just rework it a little and it will be awesome
OP pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Oct 5, 2009   #11
okay thanks everyone. III get the point that i didn't show enough strength/weakness. if you dont have any other contributions other than that, please come back after i repost. thanks (:


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