Hi. So I like this essay, but I'm pretty sure I spend too much time talking about where my interests originated and not enough time talking about what I want to do with them at U of I... what do you think? By the way, it is the correct length.
Prompt: Discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
Length: Less than 300 words
In my hands, I held a jar of flames; tiny bursts of light that scurried upside down and flew from one side to the other. After watching the captured fireflies bustle around so furiously in their glass prison, it amazed me to watch them unfold their wings so delicately and float away like dandelion seeds seconds after I unscrewed the top to the jar. Lying on my back in the damp grass, I would watch them drift upward until they blended in with the stars, glowing pinpricks in the velvet sky.
Ever since I was a child, I have been awestruck by the beauty of nature. Life, from the tiniest ant crawling on my foot to the elephants I saw at the zoo, captivated me. Spending hours outside, I let nature fill my senses as I explored the world around me. Nothing was safe from my curious fingertips as I dislodged stones and pushed back tall grass finding life in the most surprising places.
Growing older, my depth of understanding has grown through education and my childhood observations have been organized into hypotheses and theories. Over the years, my sense of wonder only became stronger. Although overwhelmed by the complexity of life sciences, I am driven to understanding nature down to the most minute cellular activities. What started as a childhood fascination has grown into a profound passion for the investigation of life, the application of scientific discoveries, and the conservation of Planet Earth.
At the University of Illinois, I will take my passion to new heights by majoring in biology and minoring in environmental studies. After school, I wish to work to conserve the Earth for future generations so no one will be deprived of witnessing the beauty and power of nature.
not enough time talking about what I want to do with them at U of I.
Right. Your introduction is lovely, but you do not spend enough time on what you want to do now. Pare down the introductory narrative to make room for another sentence on that.
I love your opening paragraph.It is attractive.
nice introduction. It really makes me imagine whats actually going on. Good luck with UIUC. Im a fellow applicant as well.
Here it is again, revised a little. It's mostly the same, but some sentences added on the end. Thanks for the feedback!
In my hands, I held a jar of flames; tiny bursts of light that scurried upside down and flew from one side to the other. After watching the captured fireflies bustle around so furiously in their glass prison, it amazed me to watch them unfold their wings so delicately and float away like dandelion seeds seconds after I unscrewed the top to the jar. Lying on my back in the damp grass, I would watch them drift upward until they blended in with the stars, glowing pinpricks in the velvet sky.
Ever since I was a child, I have been awestruck by the beauty of nature and living creatures. Nothing was safe from my curious fingertips as I dislodged stones and pushed back tall grass finding life in the most surprising places.
Growing older, my depth of understanding has grown through education and my childhood observations have been organized into hypotheses and theories. Although overwhelmed by the complexity of life sciences, I am driven to understanding nature down to the most minute cellular activities. What started as a childhood fascination has grown into a passion for the investigation of life, the application of scientific discoveries, and the conservation of Planet Earth.
The University of Illinois houses a unique department that adheres directly to my interests: the Department of Entomology. An Individual Plan of Study program, entomology at U of I is attractive because it allows me to design my own schedule specific to my interests. At the University of Illinois, I will take my passion to new heights by majoring in entomology and minoring in environmental studies. After school, I wish to work to conserve the Earth for future generations so no one will be deprived of witnessing the beauty and power of nature.
Much better. This is a really good essay! Good luck!
Great job. I love how it's narrative and informative in the conclusion. Nice Nice!
Do you think if I added a paragraph describing what I want out of my college education in between the 3rd and 4th paragraphs I could use this essay for another prompt?:
Describe how your college education will allow you to achieve your personal or professional goals.
(500 words or fewer)
