Undergraduate / "Why essay" for help. [4]

Briefly describe the factors that have influenced your interest in studying business.

In casual shorts, I clearly did not belong to the Wall Street in New York City. Buildings there were formidable, with huge columns, and huge glass curtain walls; people never stopped, in black and blue suits, holding a cup of coffee in one hand and a cell phone in the other, talking and frowning. They rushed in and out of the buildings, crossing the street like a swarm of bees when the traffic lights turned green.

I observed a mid-aged black man carefully in the Subway. The man was dressed in a trim black suit, with an exquisite golden tie. He focused on a piece of newspaper when buying his lunch. 'Must be some sort of executive,' I thought, although not quite clear about the definition of an executive. As the man finished the sandwich in amazing high pace, he turned and walked out the door with vigorous and resolute steps, radiating and walking like a president.

I stayed in the centre of Manhattan till the night fell, impressed and fascinated. I, a 12-year-old kid, an elementary school graduate at the age of video games, crashed the ambience of the world financial centre, the centralization of wealth, all in a sudden. It was an earthquake in my life, ever to be remembered.

Standing in front of the Rockefeller Centre, I looked up to get the whole picture of the magnificent and dazzling skyscraper. And then the thought penetrated deeply in my mind: the realization of the huge gap between the world atop and my own position. My eyes sparkled, and a stream of power ignited within my chest. I dreamed, "Someday, I will find my place in such a building."

It has been five years since my global trip, but I can still touch the shock of that exotic impact, and picture my slim body standing in the bustling streets. I value the positions with high salaries I may earn through diligence and creativity, but I value the fulfilment of surpassing gap more; I am facing a huge mountain, and business is my way to the top.

This is the first draft. I focus on one single point rather than several factors. Please leave me some comments and suggestions. Thanks a lot!

Undergraduate / "It's all about faith." - Personal Essay for Help [3]

Faith

Why did a slim boy who had never been on the court choose to play basketball? Did he try it just for fun? Did he wonder if he would like it? Did he just want to attract girls?

Or was it something to do with faith?

I was standing beside the court, staring at those sweaty basketball players, thinking about what my friends had told me when I entered middle school: "There are only two ways to be outstanding in this school. You have to have great academic scores or great basketball skills." I was a shy boy who wanted to shine; I chose to play basketball.

But when I asked the players if I could join them, I received scornful glances that said: "You don't belong here, bookworm!" I tried to play anyway, even though I was numb and silly on the court, bursting into laughter after every stupid fault. I was so embarrassed I thought I would have to quit, but my dream of success would always propel me back on to the court.

It was hard for me at first to obey the rules of the game: I was supposed to pass the ball to one of the "big guys" as soon as I received it, not shoot it myself, or try a breakthrough, because "I couldn't do that," and "I should be a team player." I learned quickly to act as part of the team, but I also practiced moves (like crossovers) on my own for hours afterwards. (And when a space opened up in the game, I would try for a three-point, despite the angry faces I saw when I didn't pass the ball.)

Through persistence, I learned that the joy of basketball lies not in merely winning a game or getting one beautiful shot, but in the feeling of satisfaction that comes from devoting my all to one thing I love. I enjoyed shooting the ball hundreds of times till nightfall; I enjoyed feeling courageous when playing with much better players. And then one day I finished a sharp breakthrough and made a difficult lay up, I heard one of those "big guys" whispered: '"Wow, I didn't know he could do that!" The thought that the other players were changing their minds about me replenished my motivation.

Two years later, I am a skilled member of the varsity team, and others watch me from the sidelines the way that slim, shy boy used to do. My success on the basketball team has led to my achievements in other areas: academic competitions, school clubs, Model United Nations, school council. My life in basketball has taught me a critical lesson: Overcoming difficulty has really nothing to do with success.

It's all about faith.

I've been struggling with this essay for some time, but I really don't know how is this essay...
Please leave me some comments or suggestions. Thanks a lot!

Undergraduate / "our school government campaign" - common app short answer! [4]

My experience in our school government campaign transformed me from a mumbling, hesitating coward into a passionate and persuasive speaker.

My first attempt at speaking in public--blushing and muttering feebly--was a nightmare I am embarrassed to recall today. But I wouldn't let such failure stop me from chasing my dream.

I compelled myself to enlist the council campaign after I entered high school; I revised my speech many times, worked on my posture and poise, and struggled to conquer my fears. Little by little a boundless passion grew in my heart, a passion that would help me break through my self-imposed limitations.

My final speech in that campaign set the audience on fire. I can still feel my body quivering when I finished. I knew from then on I would always speak powerfully, from my heart. I would never hesitate again.

I have a strong motivation in my heart, which pushed me to break barriers every time I want to quit. I am not a native English user, so I don't know if this essay I wrote properly transmit my meaning, being impressive enough. Thanks for all the suggestions.