Undergraduate / admissons to ai (Art Institute of Vancouver) [3]


First off, erase this tense. You want to always talk about you- NEVER "we" or "our". By using "we" and "our" you devoid the essay of your voice and persona, instead making it seem unimportant. In fact, by starting your essay off like this, it will be a complete turn off to admissions. Why would they want a "we" person when they could have an "I" person?


Okay, here you are making yourself seem inadequate. Brag over who you think you can become instead of seeming insecure. Who says you can't accomplish your dreams and goals without the Art Institute? I bet you could. It's all about setting your mind to something, and if you close your mind so much onto one place (they will notice this in admissions) it will really hurt you, especially if that one choice disappears.


Elaborate on your experience of having a child. That can be your strength and something you can play off of to make your essay stronger. Also, beef up your word choice to create a greater passion in your voice and sentences.


It's not about the school, it's about you. It's good to mention that you want an internship, and that you want to start your own firm. But don't care about letting the school down. You want to make an impression and not seem desperate. You want to appear strong.


Hmm... it seems your whole essay is based off the fact that "you know you can do this". But why? Why should they believe you? I mean, these people on admissions don't even know you. So why do those six words give them a reason? You want to inspire these people through your words, you want to light a fire inside of them so that they have no choice BUT to accept you. Don't act like you need them, because you don't. Yes, they will make your life easier and you'll be happy because it seems like they're a top choice. But really, the Ai is just a VEHICLE for your life goals, not a DESTINATION.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay ("I am a paradox.") [6]

I think this is an excellent essay. The fact that it is sporadic and jumps around is perfect because it is the tone you are trying to achieve. At the same time that it doesn't follow a coherent structure, it effectively creates a proper personage of who you are. However, I believe the strongest part of this piece is your verb usage, as well as the thought placed in each sentence to make it a paradox.

The only thing that throws me off is that you mention singing twice. Once through singing chinese in comparison to listening, and once as singing in the shower. Maybe you vocally express yourself, as to the word singing?

All in all, this is a written very well. Good job!

Undergraduate / I am Vampire Slayer (not Dracula or the coven of the Twilight series type) [4]

No problem.

Yeah the length is hard, especially when the piece you have written is already very concise. When I have to cut an essay or a writing assignment down, what I do is I read the entire essay aloud a few times. During each read though, think, "Can I word this differently?" There is always another way to word a sentence with close to the same effect, and you can drop a good amount of words this way.

Well, a couple things about the concept. First, it causes your essay to be lengthy (which we've already discussed). But you counter that by having a strong, unique voice and great sentence structure, making the higher word count seem less than it actually is. Second, the topic you have chosen makes it a little difficult to hear too much about you. However, this isn't a problem because you overcome this issue with your writing as well, sneaking in facts and personality through a developed voice.

There really isn't an issue with the concept- and in a sense it fits into the category of an experience that has impacted you. I believe that the topics given for the essays are vague- so I wouldn't be too worried. I wrote mine about a time when I was rejected for a prestigious scholarship- then showed how that rejection was actually better than being accepted. Be aware of what schools you are applying to as well. Most schools require a supplementary essay (usually more than 1) and you can use those to further develop your character.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / I am Vampire Slayer (not Dracula or the coven of the Twilight series type) [4]

Hmm.

Normally "hmm" would be something that I would say when I can't decide where to start tearing an essay apart. But in this case, my "hmm" is due to the fact that this essay caught my attention. No- it caught my attention, and I enjoyed it. When I first read the title, I was thrown off by the topic in a negative way. However, your writing quickly destroyed my bias.

You use fantastic descriptions that seem intricate, but are actually short and precise. This creates an absolute imagery that is very vivid. At the same time, this imagery is somehow dark- devised by the tone and voice of a vampire slayer. I liked it.

Moving on to criticism. This essay is very well written- so you don't need help with the basics. I'm going to hit the nit-picky stuff and be specific, which is something I normally wouldn't do when editing someone's essay.


In this case, your repetition of vampire is good. I was thinking it may be made even stronger though if you use a word like "monster", "demon" or "banshee". Self-truth lacks the proper punch to lead into the meat of your essay. It doesn't feel defined, and instead feels without purpose.


I'm not sure this is necessary. It makes sense to emphasize it, but at the same time it does not feel important. It's up to you to keep/delete though.


This sentence is not needed and is excessive.


Again, not needed. They don't need to know that you hate bologna, and it doesn't add much to voice.


Repetition on "increase". The first two are good, but I was pointing out the last one. Use a synonym.

[/quote] my subconscious took over and I began to fight back [/quote]
Just curious on this one. Irina is your imaginary friend right? Wouldn't she be your subconscious? Or are you saying that you were fighting back against your subconscious, which is Irina?

That is pretty much it. This is a very strong essay and even though it is long, it keeps the readers attention. You could try and cut it up a bit and make some parts more concise, which I would try to do. You're at around 950 words right now. I would try to cut it to 800ish if possible. Personally, I don't think it's too big a deal. But if you could keep your voice and passion in a more concise version, it would be stronger.

Undergraduate / Melody of life ------- A story about music and movies [7]

You're writing isn't bad- you have good ideas and obviously like to write. However, your grammar and tense really hold you back.


All these bolded parts are areas of awkward tense or grammar that are infused in your first paragraph. For example, "I never forget that afternoon" should be "I never forgot that afternoon", or "There have never been" should be "I've never experienced..." or "There has never been".

The reds are spots where you left something out, like a period or a word between words.

Throughout your essay there are errors like these. They hold you back, and make it very difficult to feel the emotions behind your writing. My suggestion would be sit down with an english teacher, and help her adjust your tense and grammar within your essay.

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay - Undecided - "My Calling" [8]

Very good.

The thing I like the most about your essay is you are able to incorporate basic facts about yourself (eldest, connected to family) while still discussing your main point. You don't waver, and everything in general is solid. The flow of your writing is smooth, which makes the editing process for this essay much easier. This is one of the better essays I have read on this site.

With that said, let's start grinding down your errors.

The first problem that jumps out at me is your use of dashes. I did the same thing a couple years back, thinking that dashes were the greatest in the world. But using dashes more than commas is not good to do. Dashes should be used only when completely necessary to create a more justifiable effect. When they aren't used sparingly, they appear annoying.

Also, I agree with what Sean said about the contradictions. Many colleges do not offer a specific "Pre-Med" program, and often let the students major in whatever they like. I know a couple people who are music and literature majors who plan to go to med school.

Again, you don't have big fixes. Just little things here and there. Read it a couple times aloud and you'll catch many of your typos or grammatical mistakes. Hope this helps!

Oh, and I think the title is fine. Especially with the connection to it at the end of the essay.

Undergraduate / 'Speech-Language Pathology' - academic interests and goals - UIUC Essay #1 [4]

This essay is well constructed, like Sean said. It's very simple and has a generally smooth rhythm to it. The first two paragraphs start out very concise and neat, getting to the point you want to make. I have a couple problems though.

PARAGRAPH 1
First is with the phrase:


It borders on cliche and I think there are many better options you could choose. The sentence that concludes this paragraph feels awkward to me- I can't quite place the problem but like with the phrase above, I believe it could be worded better.

PARAGRAPH 2
Just watch your repetition here. You repeat "visited" with "visit" and the word "speech" is used frequently. I understand that these are harder places to interchange words with, but this is just something you should think about. Also, you may want a transition sentence between your second-to-last and last sentences.

PARAGRAPH 3
First and most obviously, the repetition of "communications disorders". This is where the essay decides to jump off a cliff. It feels to me like you are trying to jam as much as you can into this paragraph- and it ruins it. Once you can organize your last paragraph to be more orderly like the previous two, it will be much better.

Not bad, just needs a little work.

Undergraduate / Six-Minute Eternity - Common Application Main Essay, The Hand In Darkness [9]

Hey-

The topic of your essay is very interesting, but I think that you spend too much time on your surroundings and not enough time describing the conflict within your situation. The way you write this as a story makes it seem informal, but at the same time draws the reader's attention nicely.

Your sentence structure needs work though. You are using loads of descriptions, then trying to slur them together with alliteration and odd metaphors. This isn't generally bad, but you aren't doing this in moderation. The essay really suffers because of that.

Also, proof read before you post by reading your essay aloud. You can catch simple typos like:


which happens to be your first sentence. If this was say, your final draft and I was in admissions, I would be turned off on this essay immediately- no matter how good the rest of it was. In the same way, don't start off an essay or a paragraph with "I". It's not necessarily bad, but just looks unprofessional. This is just my personal opinion though.

Watch your repetition. There are many words out there, and when you are typing an essay fast you tend to forget them and use the same word over and over. This is also something you will catch with a verbal proof read, and eventually when you're writing you'll have a feel for it.

Why is gallant italicized and what is with the #'s? Are they censored names of friends?

Overall, the topic is good. However, it's underdeveloped, and therefore lacks the proper punch that you would want from your common app essay. I would rework through each paragraph, and concentrate on changing things that sound awkward or choppy, as well as your repeated words.

Word Choice: 4/10 frequently repeated words, shows lack of effort
Sentence Structure: 4/10 odd mistakes, feels like gears clanking, not smooth
Topic: 6/10 good topic, could be very powerful with a strong sentence flow
Hook: 7/10 story-like style brings reader in, however it is harder to make perfect than a regular essay

Total: 21/40

Rework it and try again! Really concentrate on your errors and build a new, better essay :)

Undergraduate / "That is intellectual exhaustion." - Stanford Short Essay: Intellectual Vitality [10]

Not a problem. I can't critique a piece without tearing it apart- it's hard enough for me not to do a full edit like I'm used to. Post it again after you rework it and I'll be happy to rip through it again :)

I would change the angle as well. Like I said in my post before, talk about your experience in Germany a little more. Are you still in Germany now? If you want I can read through your other essay as well- I saw it needed a bit of work but I have yet to get around to it. Personally, when I read through it I thought there was a big need for fixing. But that's just me, I'm hard to please (your roommate essay).

Let me know if you have any problems, etc.

Undergraduate / Essay for Penn - page 217 of your 300 page autobiography [9]

It's a good idea. Keep in mind this is page 217 of your autobio, it's not exactly an essay. You're not going to be telling them about who exactly you are on your 217th page. I mean, it's a nice thought and is clever- definitely humorous and unique. Just think about the prompt.

Undergraduate / "That is intellectual exhaustion." - Stanford Short Essay: Intellectual Vitality [10]

I see what you're getting at by going for the feeling of exhaustion.

In a sense it works. But it only works because your writing is so repetitive and choppy, not conducive to the fluid flow you would want- even if you want it to appear exhausting. The repetition of "intellectually exhausting" in the first paragraph and of "here" in the second paragraph lacks the point that gives a feel to the essay. Instead, they feel like a nuisance and are overbearing. You are going the wrong way to accomplish a sense of tiredness.

Don't manipulate your syntax so much- it really does seem so forced. You want to use imagery and heavy description to create the scene inside the readers head. To make the reader imagine what's going on. Onomatopoeia is a great tool for this- for example:

"Tick. Tick. Tick. I couldn't concentrate and my eyes flicked across the room. Erik, next to me was making a paper airplane with his homework. Tick. Tick. Tick. I fiddled with my own paper, trying to mimic Erik's plane. I ended up just crushing it in my hand. Tick. Tick. Tick. Still five minutes left of class?"

Here, the point is the kid has trouble paying attention. The constant "tick tick tick" throws off the rhythm of the sentence structure, but also provides an actual feel to the reader of being impatient or wanting to leave. It's a great tool for getting a different sense of emotion into your writing.

You only brush off your experience in Germany. It seems like it's just a basic lead in to discuss how you feel (which isn't backed up). Weave your experience throughout the entire essay.

Your last paragraph is a bunch of hasty words. You could easily compile that into one shorter sentence. It seems you are not using the space of 1800 characters to their potential. Make sure you double check your sentences, searching for the best possible way to maximize your space while still creating a powerful impact. That's what you said you do, right? Maximize space?

Also, I disagree with placing that quote in there. It makes it sound like you are saying that your possibilities are not infinite when you're an expert- when really your possibilities are always infinite (expert or beginner).

Rework this. Really commit to making each sentence as powerful as it can be. Build your essay up to make it strong in all aspects, so it is not forced but rather fluid.

Undergraduate / "Living within natural and cultural limits" - Stanford- Intellectual Vitality Essay [21]

When I read the first draft of your essay, I did not see eye to eye with the other people who responded to this post. I thought it was bland, cliché and almost pointless. It's like you were trying too hard to strengthen your theme, using lackluster novels and weak references. If I was in admissions, my interest would never have been drawn in, and my eyes would have switched to skim mode. I mean, where is the clincher?

Your last draft is a large improvement. But I believe it is still less than adequate. You begin strong with a question and a purpose, stating the fact that human culture is both a complex and intriguing issue to you. However, the essay falls off from there. You are still trying to connect on too many points in too little words. A thousand pebbles won't break down a castle wall. But one boulder will.

Also, I believe the editing should be done by you and you alone, so I will only guide you in my critique as to what I believe needs fixing. This is an application done by yourself that should be a learning experience about both you and your abilities through reflection. So reflect, and do so struggling.

---


Watch your punctuation use. You tend to stretch out your sentences too far, causing them to lose their punch. You may want to drop the "I believe" because this is your personal essay. They will understand it's your opinion. And I know that I already said punctuation... but really watch those commas. They can make things sound great at times, but they can also make your sentences worthless.


CUT YOUR SENTENCES. For example, your first sentence should be something like, "In today's modern world news is instantaneous." Without a mix or short and long sentences, your writing has little to none fluidity. No fluidity means it's harder to read, especially when you're reading hundreds if not thousands of essays. Secondly, there is no need for the question in the middle of your paragraph. You already asked your question which proposed your purpose to this essay. You do make a good point about defining freedom though.


Ah. This paragraph is a comma nightmare. There are almost as many commas in the first sentence as words. Really work on your sentence structure. I like the point about society's embarrassment when things do not exude progress, it's a good touch. Also, I think the tennis sentence is out of place. It's a weird addition to the paragraph and I think there are better examples.


You need to tie these in to other points; you can't just leave them as a separation. Weave. Mix your ideas with your examples to build them up.


This is good.


Link this with the above paragraph. No need to separate. I would use "However, there is..."
------
There is a decent amount of work to be done, but it can happen. Spend some time writing new drafts without looking at this one. Compare them, and mix the parts that sound right into a better essay. Trial and error. Eventually, you will find the essay that is not only right for admissions, but right for you. It really isn't about them, but rather your personal self and expression.

One thing I would note- be careful of this essay making you sound less idealistic. Yes, things have limits, but they also have opportunities. And you know what are limitless? OPPORTUNITIES. Because they are limitless, life is limitless. And because life is limitless, there are few things that sit on top of plateaus. Be wary of the personages an essay about your passions may give you (due to your words).

I'm also applying to Stanford early action this year and am in the process writing my essays. I wish you the best of luck in the process. It sounds like your working hard, so keep it up. Don't place your passion in one place though; spread it out to others as well. I made that mistake once and it really took me down when I didn't get what I strived for. In the end though, it makes you a stronger person if you pull through it.

Keep in mind this is my opinion. As you can tell from the other posts, plenty of other people like this essay. However, I think it desperately needs work. As a fellow applicant and someone who has done countless hours of editing writing in the pass, I believe you should rework this essay.

Best of luck.