Hey-
The topic of your essay is very interesting, but I think that you spend too much time on your surroundings and not enough time describing the conflict within your situation. The way you write this as a story makes it seem informal, but at the same time draws the reader's attention nicely.
Your
sentence structure needs work though. You are using loads of descriptions, then trying to slur them together with alliteration and odd metaphors. This isn't generally bad, but you aren't doing this in moderation. The essay really suffers because of that.
Also,
proof read before you post by reading your essay aloud. You can catch simple typos like:
I was walking alone on a country lane, as moon was my only company
which happens to be your first sentence. If this was say, your final draft and I was in admissions, I would be turned off on this essay immediately- no matter how good the rest of it was. In the same way, don't start off an essay or a paragraph with "I". It's not necessarily bad, but just looks unprofessional. This is just my personal opinion though.
Watch your repetition. There are many words out there, and when you are typing an essay fast you tend to forget them and use the same word over and over. This is also something you will catch with a verbal proof read, and eventually when you're writing you'll have a feel for it.
Why is gallant italicized and what is with the #'s? Are they censored names of friends?
Overall, the topic is good. However, it's underdeveloped, and therefore lacks the proper punch that you would want from your common app essay. I would rework through each paragraph, and concentrate on changing things that sound awkward or choppy, as well as your repeated words.
Word Choice: 4/10
frequently repeated words, shows lack of effortSentence Structure: 4/10
odd mistakes, feels like gears clanking, not smoothTopic: 6/10
good topic, could be very powerful with a strong sentence flowHook: 7/10
story-like style brings reader in, however it is harder to make perfect than a regular essayTotal: 21/40
Rework it and try again! Really concentrate on your errors and build a new, better essay :)