Posts by fink1318

fink1318

Nov 17, 2009

Undergraduate / "I caught my target unaware of my presence"; USC -Visions and Voices [10]

@fink:does that mean you think there isn't anything that could be cut out? I'm not looking to shorten it, but I do want to get rid of anything unecessary.

Im sure there are parts that could be considered fluff, but I personally did not notice anything.

I catch my target unaware of my presence. I shoot. Blackness. Rats, I chastised myself when the seagull drops its meal and took flight . I have left the lens cover on.----> how about all present tense like this?

Im not sure that sentence makes a whole lot of sense either.

Its a very confusing sentence but I am not sure how to reword it so that it has tense agreement but does not compromise the great choice of words. If I were you, I would take that sentence to an English teacher or several and see what they can do to make it clearer.

fink1318

Nov 14, 2009

Undergraduate / "I caught my target unaware of my presence"; USC -Visions and Voices [10]

720 words is not too long for a USC Essay. The word limit is 500-700 words, and they said its typically one page single spaced on a word document. If it goes a few lines above that I wouldnt worry. If you think there is too much fluff, by all means cut it out, but if you think every sentence in the essay adds to the idea and wont lose the reader, keep it all.

fink1318

Nov 14, 2009

Undergraduate / A Different Spin on The Diversity Essay [8]

I think what Kelsey was saying was not only to point out that the experience is still with you today, but to show an example or two. Also,

If the world was~~were made of~~ black and white, with differences neutralized, condemned and cast aside, there would be no room to grow.

Anyways, SHOW us what you have done or experienced in the present day in regards to diversity, dont just TELL us. The rule for college essays is show, dont tell. You did a good job of presenting that as a fourth grader, but now show us what you do today because of that.

I like the story and I think this is a good essay.

fink1318

Oct 22, 2009

Undergraduate / "To travel through the slum areas of India" - University of Texas Essay B [2]

As I walked through the crowded, filthy alleys that connected the town of Jamnagar, I finally realized the true reason I was put on this Earth. It was a revelation I never imagined having at such a young age.

It is very bold, perhaps too bold, for you to be claiming that this issue is the reason you were put on this earth. I would rephrase the sentence to say something more along the lines that when you spent time walking through the slums, you finally discovered your greatest passion. It doesnt have to be passion, but something less controversial.

There are a few errors in sentence construction or word usage, but overall its a very good essay. However, the UT essay has a word limit of 300 words, and you have near 1000. I think what might help you write your essay is to lay out on a piece of paper or here in a post what the goals of this essay are - what you want the reader to take away from this essay about you. After you list those things, look at each sentence and ask yourself if that sentence really contributes to the goals you listed. I think you have alot of quality material in this essay, but you will have to cut alot of it in order to meet the word limit, so try to keep the most important information.

fink1318

Oct 20, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Not athletic' - Common App short answer extracurricular - football [2]

I feel like the limitation 150 words makes this response almost hollow - I dont think I could write a full essay on the subject, but does anybody think something is lacking in this essay? Any responses are greatly appreciated!

Playing football is a passion of mine, but it has not always been. In fact, many people, including myself, do not even consider me to be an athletic person. I joined my school's six man football team in my sophomore year because I wanted to try something new and different. Although it was challenging at first, I eventually learned the ropes and was able to keep up with the rest of the team, occasionally earning a play or two into some of the games. After playing the sport for 2 years and currently participating in my third year, I have gained a lot of respect for football and the values it has taught me. I have learned to push myself to be a stronger person (both physically and mentally), I have learned about the importance of teamwork to achieve success, and above all else, I have learned that challenging myself with different activities has great rewards.

fink1318

Oct 18, 2009

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay DRAFT (UPenn, Columbia, NYU, Boston U, Northwestern) [3]

I think its well written but if this is to be used as a common app essay, it will become too long. If you take a look at everything you have written so far, and ask yourself the question the admissions committee will be asking ("so what?"), what would be the answer? So far, all i have learned is that you have great story telling skills, that your mom was an important part of your life, and that you had to leave her behind when you moved. None of that information entices me to admit you as a student to my university.

Perhaps im being too harsh, but what im saying is that you need to make the essay more focused on you. I think you have a good start, especially once you talk about how her absence strengthened you, but i think the section you will write about how her absence strengthened you should be the capital point of your essay.