Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by muffinman8380
Joined: Oct 15, 2009
Last Post: Oct 21, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
muffinman8380   
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "I saw a baby die." - Common App Essay - Significant Experience [4]

Alright, thanks a lot. I'll think about how to incorporate the parents and their feelings. The essay is already a bit long (670 words or so), so where do you think I should add that?

Also, qyuio, you mentioned that you liked the first three paras. how about the last three paras? In terms of impact and whatnot?
muffinman8380   
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Area of my choice-- Medicine [4]

I agree with Sean, especially about the metaphor. Also, imho, the sentence:

ambition of becoming a Doctor was expected of me

seems like it was forced and not your choice. I know it is your choice, and you explain it in the rest of the essay, but I just dont think that that sentence is necessary.

Therefore, I will attend a university with a strong biological research department to further my knowledge of biology and be helpful to the mankind.

^That last sentence is good, but the part about being "helpful to mankind" does not fit with the rest of the sentence. It just seems like you just put it there to sound good.

But, I think it's good besides that.
muffinman8380   
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "I saw a baby die." - Common App Essay - Significant Experience [4]

Hi, This is my first ever post, so if i do something wrong, forgive me.
I chose the first topic to write about (the significant experience and its influence on me).
Any suggestions/revisions are appreciated!!!!!! Thanks


I saw a baby die. Right there, in front of me, that tiny girl died. Doctors hovered around her. The pulsating green line on the monitor went flat. She was dead. She was gone.

For days, her death bothered me. It was completely random in my otherwise stable and hardship-free life. I knew her death was inevitable, whether in twenty, fifty, or one hundred years, and so, what did it matter if she left the world a bit sooner than others? Yet, I felt bummed. I could not figure out why. I did not even know her. She was as important to me as any stranger I had seen walk down a street. Why, then? Why did her death make me feel different than the death of those close to me?

I was confused. I became curious and thought about why the incident disturbed me. Sure, it upset me that the baby lived for a short time. But, really, what did she miss out on? The world was filled with chaos and problems, as it was. In some ways, it was her good fortune that she did not have to witness terrible events. I seemed to lose sight, however, of the fact that the world did have some things to offer that were great. After all, the baby only saw the four walls of a hospital room. She had not even experienced happiness (to delete???). She was deprived of a chance at life, of a chance to experience the same things I had. That thought struck me hard. I had gone through life, with its ups and downs, absorbing a mass of memories. I remembered my family's Thanksgiving dinners. The laughter brightened my spirits, and my uncle's engaging and far--fetched stories always highlighted these gatherings. I remembered my father teaching me how to catch a baseball: glove out and palm open. I bonded with my dad in an irreplaceable way. I remembered planting a garden for the first time and observing how nature ran its course. I appreciated life. I appreciated my experiences. I knew then why her death bothered me. I had a journey through life. She did not. She did not have an identity. She did not even truly live.

The infant's unexpected death made me understand that life was not all that it seemed. I knew that in such an unpredictable world, everything I took for granted may disappear the next second. I needed to make the most of every opportunity because the outcomes of all my decisions were unknown. Consequences could be fatal and unforeseen. Dedication to a goal was necessary because if I did not persevere, abrupt occurrences could make me falter. I now knew that reaching new academic heights would allow me to make use of those opportunities and take charge of my life.

Forming lasting memories of new people and new experiences became a priority. No more ignoring what seemed to be trivial. I knew it was time to look at my world, at my surroundings, at everything I had been through in my life, and recognize their importance to me. Life was now about appreciation and being able to obtain happiness because, as that baby showed, that happiness could suddenly be squandered.

I realized that to increase such joy in the world, I needed to live a useful life. I wanted to fight for that baby and others like her. True, strangers may not have meant much to me, but they deserved a life to live and love. I wanted to stop the randomness. I wanted to share the stability I had always taken for granted. My fight was necessary. Yes, I may fail. But, it did not matter. I could not disregard others. I believed education and ambition were important steps in becoming active in civic service to prevent these sorrows. Only through my ambition could I achieve my purpose. Now I know that the world and events may be random but my efforts and focus need not be. Life is too short for such a waste.
muffinman8380   
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Being a product of my environment' - Florida State essay VIRES [3]

I agree with EF_Kevin that you should add topic sentences to capture the main idea.

I also think you should integrate/incorporate yourself into the descriptions more. I think you should rewrite (a little bit) of the descriptions of Vires and other things so that you yourself are the center of the essay.

Good luck. And, I think its a solid start
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Need professional help with your assignments? Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳