Graduate / Personal Statement Mechanical Engineering Msc United States [6]

@ndangalasi already mentioned points where you can improve your essay. I agree with those points, and I wanted to add another point as well. In the introduction, you mentioned that your motivation for pursuing the Masters Program is "to provide sustainable means for Nigerians to meet their energy needs". However, in the last paragraph, where you are talking about your objectives, you said nothing about Nigeria. To improve the coherence of your overall message, I suggest that at the end you add another paragraph to talk about helping Nigerians again as a strong conclusion to your essay.

Scholarship / Chevening essay about International Project Management [3]

Overall, the writing quality was good. However, in terms of leadership and management, you focused too much on management over leadership. You had a lot of excellent detail about how you coordinated the different teams to accomplish various tasks, but you skipped over how you persuaded them to work together at the start. You also said that "leading is looking ahead possibilities", but you did not show clearly how you personally did that with these foreign artists. You need to add more details about your persuasion/inspiration skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Is advertising persuasive or not? [4]

You have interesting points, but you did not explain why you find advertisement useless enough. You spent an entire paragraph on one example of advertisement persuasion, but you did not give one example for why it is useless. Since the test is timed, for this question, you can stick with the BMW example and explain why it is succeeds on one hand and why it fails on the other hand, or you can write about two short examples, one for each view. Try to keep your discussions balanced when you need to discuss multiple views.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 2 - Owning or renting a home [2]

1st paragraph: Too short for introduction. You need provide some background about what you will talk about later, and then introduce your main points in a thesis statement.

2nd paragraph: You should explain what memories are made in a home that you cannot make when you are renting. You talked about how some cultures think owning a home has sentimental value because "memories fill every place in the home". Give examples of "memories" and explain why owning a home can create them.

3rd paragraph: You described three different reasons to own a home, and you should not try to group all of them under "mental benefits". Pick one of the three examples you gave, and explain in more words why that is a benefit. For example, you can focus on the "not getting kicked out by landlord" benefit, and explain why that is good.

4th paragraph: [However, there are certain types of people who are not comfortable with buying and owning a home. ] You have two reasons to not buy a home, and they are both good reasons. You need to talk more about "young people not making enough money to buy a house" and explain why that is. The other reason about traveling often is well-written.

5th paragraph: The conclusion should summarize the main points of your essay without repeating the same words. Mention briefly the points you wrote about so that someone reading the essay can get the main ideas just by reading the conclusion.