Posts by srjvob

srjvob

Jan 16, 2021

Writing Feedback / Essay about the host of international sporting events [4]

Your introduction is vague and does not follow the 3-5 sentences for a paragraph rule. The prompt wants you to discuss both views and then to state your opinion. Therefore, the body should have had at least three sections that needed to be developed: the view that it is beneficial, the view that it is disadvantageous, and then your personal opinion. Each view should have several reasons that could be elaborated on. However, because your body was underdeveloped, your essay remains too vague and unclear. Then, your conclusion is unsustainable because there was not enough information from the body for you to form one.

srjvob

Jan 13, 2021

Scholarship / Undergrad Scholarship Essay About My Beliefs and Values - "Cooperation, Diligence, and Duty" [3]

@Holt
Thank you for your feedback. It was very much needed.

srjvob

Jan 13, 2021

Writing Feedback / Topic: There's no need to volunteer as very few teenager can benefit from volunteer work,IELTS2. [6]

For the intro, I recommend removing phrases like "for me". You can be assertive in your stance.

"Teenagers these days have ..."--> "These days, teenagers tend to enjoy taking part in community affairs through youth organisations"

For the ending, similarly to the intro, I think you can remove "in conclusion".

Hope this helps and best of luck!

srjvob

Jan 13, 2021

Writing Feedback / Chosing a career path... {discuss/opinion} [4]

You should make sure to check your grammar and spelling. We often forget to do these things and no matter how good the essay is, the reader will assume your carelessness and this will be very detrimental to the results that you want from your essay.

The introduction is still shaky and the ending is definitely too short and abrupt. You should look through it again.

The body has substance and a lot of room for potential. There seems to be no word limit so I hope you can expand on your ideas even further.

Best of luck!

srjvob

Jan 13, 2021

Scholarship / Undergrad Scholarship Essay About My Beliefs and Values - "Cooperation, Diligence, and Duty" [3]

I am writing an essay for my scholarship. I need your help to read it because the deadline is nearing and I do not know anyone who can give me feedback in any way. Thank you!

Prompt:

Describe, in less than 300 words, the values and beliefs you hold strongly to.

Please provide examples of how you have demonstrated these in your actions.

TEXT:
If you are lonely at the top, then are you really successful?
I look to my grandparents who dedicated their lives to bettering their children's and their children's children's. Their values of cooperation, diligence, and devotion to duty allowed my family to live lives much more fortunate than theirs. They built a community together and that was what they believed to be success.

When I ran the food kiosk with my classmates and when I was a member of the student council, my duty was to serve and lead in example. I maintained our spirits and empowered members to discuss and participate. I took on many responsibilities, from finances to public relations, but it was with our combined effort that we saw progress and development. We worked as one for the benefit of all.

Though I have accomplished a lot by myself, my crown achievement was pushing two of my quietest classmates to team up with me for the World Scholar's Cup. They were clever and curious but were afraid of taking on new challenges. Together, our hard work and resolve brought us to the top.

I look at my contributions to my community. They are minuscule on their own but each adds a little to the sum of human goodness. I want to serve others. Like our food kiosk, I want to see small businesses triumph, people lifted out of hardships. With the values of cooperation, diligence, and devotion to duty instilled in me by my grandparents, I wish to achieve the kind of success that is more than just one person having it all. The top is big enough for all of us. If it is not, then we will have to make it big enough.

SUMMARY:
I want to show the scholarship office that I have worked to bring my community together, to serve them with dutiful diligence. I want to show them that I have helped my friends in many ways and I enjoy seeing them succeed. I am not sure if that is the right goal for my essay but I think it would help emphasise my beliefs in these values. I plan to major in accountancy because I want to help small businesses and everyday people succeed, as in helping them keep track of their finances and spending so that they do not make losses. I think it's connected to the values that I listed.

After reading the essay, do you think that they will get a sense that I have the grit to major in accountancy? If you were the scholarship admissions office, would you accept me? Why?

P.S. The World Scholar's Cup is similar to an academic decathlon. We write, debate, and answer questions as teams of three based on a study material. Above the essay, the university asked me to list down and describe some of my achievements so I reckoned that I did not have to explain what the World Scholar's Cup is again.