I am writing an essay for my scholarship. I need your help to read it because the deadline is nearing and I do not know anyone who can give me feedback in any way. Thank you!
Describe, in less than 300 words, the values and beliefs you hold strongly to.
Please provide examples of how you have demonstrated these in your actions.
If you are lonely at the top, then are you really successful?
I look to my grandparents who dedicated their lives to bettering their children's and their children's children's. Their values of cooperation, diligence, and devotion to duty allowed my family to live lives much more fortunate than theirs. They built a community together and that was what they believed to be success.
When I ran the food kiosk with my classmates and when I was a member of the student council, my duty was to serve and lead in example. I maintained our spirits and empowered members to discuss and participate. I took on many responsibilities, from finances to public relations, but it was with our combined effort that we saw progress and development. We worked as one for the benefit of all.
Though I have accomplished a lot by myself, my crown achievement was pushing two of my quietest classmates to team up with me for the World Scholar's Cup. They were clever and curious but were afraid of taking on new challenges. Together, our hard work and resolve brought us to the top.
I look at my contributions to my community. They are minuscule on their own but each adds a little to the sum of human goodness. I want to serve others. Like our food kiosk, I want to see small businesses triumph, people lifted out of hardships. With the values of cooperation, diligence, and devotion to duty instilled in me by my grandparents, I wish to achieve the kind of success that is more than just one person having it all. The top is big enough for all of us. If it is not, then we will have to make it big enough.
I want to show the scholarship office that I have worked to bring my community together, to serve them with dutiful diligence. I want to show them that I have helped my friends in many ways and I enjoy seeing them succeed. I am not sure if that is the right goal for my essay but I think it would help emphasise my beliefs in these values. I plan to major in accountancy because I want to help small businesses and everyday people succeed, as in helping them keep track of their finances and spending so that they do not make losses. I think it's connected to the values that I listed.
After reading the essay, do you think that they will get a sense that I have the grit to major in accountancy? If you were the scholarship admissions office, would you accept me? Why?
P.S. The World Scholar's Cup is similar to an academic decathlon. We write, debate, and answer questions as teams of three based on a study material. Above the essay, the university asked me to list down and describe some of my achievements so I reckoned that I did not have to explain what the World Scholar's Cup is again.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,907 3559
You have written an effective essay that clearly explains your belief and value in terms of community and teamwork. The fact that you had helped others in the process shows your strong affinity for building a solid community based on teamwork, as was probably instilled in you by your parents and grandparents . The fact that you had a basis to explain why you chose these values really helped your presentation. It shows a generational foundation for the belief and value system. You showed more than just dutiful diligence in this case. However, accountancy does not figure in the discussion because there was no reference made to it in the explanation. That doesn't matter at this point. The prompt had nothing to do with your college course choice anyway. This is more of a character study on the part of the reviewer. He is analyzing you based on the prompt requirements.
I cannot speak for the adcom in this case. I do not know what they are truly looking for in the incoming freshmen students. So, I have no basis of deciding if you will get into the program or not. All I can say is that you did good enough with this presentation. It is simple, direct to the point, and informative. Yes, since you already explained what the World Scholar's Cup is about, there is no sense in repeating it in this essay. Always avoid repeating your information, the prompts are tailor made to avoid that. Which is why students who constantly repeat information in their essays tend to weaken their chances of getting any scholarship or admission into a program.