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Posts by h4ppidais
Joined: Oct 26, 2009
Last Post: Oct 27, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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h4ppidais   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short A. - Metaphorical significance or tangible significance? [4]

I would definitely go for the first one.
Several guys standing nearby smirked - they found the sight of me carrying a giant, African hand-drum an oddity.
Need a better transition Five years ago, I was initially hesitant to take up the instrument.though Though I loved percussion, who had ever heard of a girl, short, and Asian one at that, playing the djembé? But that very notion spurred my desire to learn.

once again, get a better transitionToday, I play for my church's services, children's program, and youth group praise team. I also play the djembé on short term mission trips to Brooklyn and the Dominican Republic. This is my third year serving on my youth group's praise team. (i'm pretty sure you already put this in your activities (?) writing about it here again is useless. just move on to ur point which is this ->)I've noticed, with delight, the growing number of girls learning the djembé. Many of them had noticed me, the sole female percussionist on the team. I've been able to teach or encourage them to pursue whatever instrument they choose. For some, it is a hobby. For me,it is the throbbing of the drum, much more than the rhythmic pulse of a song; it is the vehicle/medium by which I define myself in the sight and hearing of all others.

hope that helped.
Can you give me a feedback also?
I appreciate it. thanks
h4ppidais   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Goldman Sachs CTW - CommonApp - elaborate an experience. (150 words) [3]

Well, first of all thanks for giving me a feed back.
I think the icysakura did a really good job on fixing major stuff. I really like your topic.
just adding on.
-Your second and third sentences do not flow well. Try to reword them.
-There is no connection between third and forth sentences
-Seeing the faces of children so happy, being cared by not only parents, but also by me and other volunteers, I (you definitely need this, or else, it's very unclear) felt good knowing (reword) that they were safe and healthy.

-Helping and caring is what I enjoyed and seeing them happy(syn) made me realize I wanted to become a nurse, a job that requires taking care of someone, which is something that I both enjoy and good at. (very badly worded)

-I would suggest rewriing the last sentence. Give it a little more punch

Did you think my topic was suitable for this section? I didn't write about a specific event. It is just how I feel about playing double bass. If you don't remember, I wrote a short answer about double bass.
h4ppidais   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 150 word essay about playing DOUBLE BASS [6]

I needed something to cope with stress from school. With so much homework that was given, I needed something that would relieve me. Fortunately, after a long and seemingly desperate search, I finally found the answer: playing the double bass. Whenever I become frustrated, I relieve my tension and stress by synchronizing myself with the deep resonating sound that accompanies me to my most composed state. I sit on my stool, relax my tightened muscles, calm my fatigued mind, and gently close my weary eyes eventually to be consumed by my only cure. Before long, I am completely immersed in the melody, reaching the blank state that I have so longed. Playing double bass provided me with the moment where I can relax from arduous tasks and rejuvenate my mind in order to manage my stress adequately to any situation.
h4ppidais   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / making a difference via coaching soccer - 150 words [12]

very interesting essay. it really shows how you have changed and your future plans
one thing,
I would change Brain-Ache to something else. change 4 years to four years.
Nice idea

could you give me a feedback also? Thanks
h4ppidais   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "engendered a love for fashion" - stanford roommate essay [10]

Yeah. This is a very rough draft.
Each sentence is very good but when put together, they don't make sense. I know you intend to list all your characteristics rather than to make it a paragraph, but I am not sure if this is what colleges want. There has to be atleast some connection and flow to the paragraph you are writing. Also, I don't think you need to even mention this - When someone says to describe myself in 1800 characters, I think why am I wasting space by writing an intro? So, instead of citing off activities on my resume surrounded by lavish adjectives in sentences, I concocted a sparknotes version of me that would provide pragmatic when forced to share four walls together. . I think it's pretty much assumed that you will not be writing an introductory paragraph and you can use that space more effectively.

hope that helped.

please give me a feed back on mine too :] and leave feed back here Thanks.

Every day, I observe my planner completely filled with my homework and activities thinking that tonight will be another tough night. My only escape from this busy life is playing double bass which liberates my strained mind. Whenever I get frustrated, I relieve my tension and stress by synchronizing myself with the deep resonating sound that alleviates my stress and accompanies me to my most serene imagination. I sit on my elegant stool, relax my tightened muscles, calm my fatigued mind, and gently close my weary eyes to eventually be consumed by the elixir to my stress. Before long, I am completely immersed in the melody, reaching the blank state that I have so longed. Fortunately, playing double bass provided me the moment where I can relax from arduous tasks and rejuvenate my mind in order to manage my stress adequately to the situation.
h4ppidais   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Vassar College Supplement Essay - "How did you learn about Vassar...?" [9]

This is a very interesting and unique essay.

I could not believe it. I found "The One" when I was in the eighth grade. Vassar was my soul mate and it took me four years to figure that out.

I think there is a better way to word that. Right now it seems a little amatureish.

A funny thing about Vassar and The Devil Wears Prada: Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway starred in the movie adaptation and guess what? Both went to Vassar.

I would stay away from using rhetorical or any types of questions. You can make it sound more professional without the question.

Other than that, I really like your essay. I can definitely see your interested in Vassar and how much thought you've put into this essay

Could you please leave me a feedback on my short answer question? Thanks
h4ppidais   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App- extracurricular activity (150 words) [9]

To make tutoring sessions more relaxing and fun, I inquired my buddies about their day at school and then absorbed their summaries of a new intriguing book, sympathized with complaints about the tyrant teacher, or advised on how to approach Dad about a lost calculator.

This sentence is unclear. Can you split it up to two sentences?

One of my students often relayed to me her loneliness and hardships at home and I would offer her advice. This part seems like it could be shortened.

Remember to make your essay as concise as possible. It is always the best way to improve your essay
h4ppidais   
Oct 26, 2009
Undergraduate / SHORT ANSWER:Double Bass Am I going on a right direction? and Grammar help [6]

Looking at my planner completely filled with homework and activities, I expect tonight to be tough like those of others. My only escape from this busy life is playing double bass which liberates the strain in my mind. Whenever I get frustrated, I relieve my tension and stress by synchronizing myself with the deep resonating sound that alleviates my stress and accompanies me to my most serene imagination. I sit on my elegant stool, relax my tightened muscles, calm my fatigued mind, and gently close my weary eyes to eventually be consumed by the elixir to my stress. Before long, I am completely immersed in the melody, reaching the blank state that I have so longed. Fortunately, playing double bass provided me the moment where I can relax from arduous tasks and rejuvenate my mind in order to manage my stress adequately to the situation.

Thank you so much for your contribution. I am open to any criticism/comments/suggestions!
By the way, this is exactly 150 words so please help me which ideas are unnecessary and which I need more

Once again, thank you