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"engendered a love for fashion" - stanford roommate essay


catkatgirl92 1 / -  
Oct 27, 2009   #1
It is still really rough, and I wasn't sure if this was a good way to approach the prompt. Harsh criticism welcome :]
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

When someone says to describe myself in 1800 characters, I think why am I wasting space by writing an intro? So, instead of citing off activities on my resume surrounded by lavish adjectives in sentences, I concocted a sparknotes version of me that would provide pragmatic when forced to share four walls together. While chocolate is a woman's best friend, it is my taste buds worst enemy. I can not jog more than a mile without thinking there is a serial killer chasing me. The only way I can stay up past midnight is to put on music and dance as if there is an earthquake violently shaking my body, my arms flailing in every direction. I love to break awkward silences with some of my signature jokes. I have an addiction that rehab can not cure: reading. Even now, my hands incessantly find their way back to the pages of My Sister's Keeper. One stereotype that I admit falling into is an Asian, woman driver-able to do triple integrals, yet can't make a turn without endangering lives. If there was one physical appearance I could change about myself, it would be my hair. People have compared it to as big as a lion's mane, yet as coarse as a horse's tail. I have engendered a love for fashion while working at a clothing store. These small facts that no one pays attention to define who I am. What other people maybe see as flaws, I see it is something that makes me different than the person next to me.

I know my conclusion is weak, but I didn't really know how to end it well.
h4ppidais 2 / 7  
Oct 27, 2009   #2
Yeah. This is a very rough draft.
Each sentence is very good but when put together, they don't make sense. I know you intend to list all your characteristics rather than to make it a paragraph, but I am not sure if this is what colleges want. There has to be atleast some connection and flow to the paragraph you are writing. Also, I don't think you need to even mention this - When someone says to describe myself in 1800 characters, I think why am I wasting space by writing an intro? So, instead of citing off activities on my resume surrounded by lavish adjectives in sentences, I concocted a sparknotes version of me that would provide pragmatic when forced to share four walls together. . I think it's pretty much assumed that you will not be writing an introductory paragraph and you can use that space more effectively.

hope that helped.

please give me a feed back on mine too :] and leave feed back here Thanks.

Every day, I observe my planner completely filled with my homework and activities thinking that tonight will be another tough night. My only escape from this busy life is playing double bass which liberates my strained mind. Whenever I get frustrated, I relieve my tension and stress by synchronizing myself with the deep resonating sound that alleviates my stress and accompanies me to my most serene imagination. I sit on my elegant stool, relax my tightened muscles, calm my fatigued mind, and gently close my weary eyes to eventually be consumed by the elixir to my stress. Before long, I am completely immersed in the melody, reaching the blank state that I have so longed. Fortunately, playing double bass provided me the moment where I can relax from arduous tasks and rejuvenate my mind in order to manage my stress adequately to the situation.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 30, 2009   #3
Wow, the thing about an Asian woman driver is really funny.

Oh... don't mention sparknotes... it does not reflect well on you.

Take this opportunity to impress them. Give a sense that you are thoughtful about many things, and curious. Tell them about your intellectual interests, because that is more relevant to college. What you have here is good, but I think you should show off your intellect a little more.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Oct 31, 2009   #4
interesting approach to the essay. mine was way different. i guess it's how u interpret the question too. maybe include hobbies, personality, talk about those five adjectives/words that describe you.

I did that somewhat.
pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Oct 31, 2009   #5
HAHA I like this actually, but definately you should make some changes.
I disagree with h4ppidais in that the whole When someone says to describe myself in 1800 characters, I think why am I wasting space by writing an intro? So, instead of citing off activities on my resume surrounded by lavish adjectives in sentences, I concocted a sparknotes version of me that would provide pragmatic when forced to share four walls together. should stay. BUT! I do see where h4ppidais is coming from, and I think you can address this problem by making this a bit more short and concise since it is, like h4ppidais said, pretty obvious that it's not an intro. By pointing out that youre not going to write an intro says that you're doing something more unique which is good!

While chocolate is a woman's best friend, it is my taste buds' worst enemy.

It seems like from the chocolate sentence and beyond, you begin listing. If that's what you were shooting for, stay with it. It gives it a short of characteristic rambling tone which is humorous. If that wasn't what you were shooting for at all, then make it flow somehow (although it might be a bit difficult).

Please read mine!:
jaimeealexis 3 / 7  
Oct 31, 2009   #6
I would add a little more direct sentences and would recommend to organize it a little more so that it will have a better flow to it
Notoman 20 / 419  
Oct 31, 2009   #7
Think of this as not just a letter to a future roommate, but a college application essay. While you should take a light tone, you still want to show the school why you would be a good fit. What do you want the school to know about you? What attributes can you hit on within the word count?

These are just my own thoughts and opinions, but I'll break it down a little and show you how I might or approach the essay or what my perceptions might be:

When someone says to describe myself in 1800 characters, I think why am I wasting space by writing an intro? So, instead of citing off activities on my resume surrounded by lavish adjectives in sentences, I concocted a sparknotes version of me that would provide pragmatic when forced to share four walls together.

For telling us you aren't going to give an introduction, this is an awful long one! There are a lot of character used here without getting into the meat of the essay. Talk about yourself much, much sooner and let the fluff fall to the wayside. There are grammatical errors here that don't give the best first impression. You will also want to avoid any negative aspects like "forced to share four walls." Even if you aren't excited about dorm living and you have never had to share a room in your life, this isn't the place to complain.

While chocolate is a woman's best friend, it is my taste buds worst enemy.

Something of this sort is fine. It doesn't take up too many characters and it shows a quirk. Having just watched an episode of Dirtiest Jobs, I am sure that chocolate wouldn't be your worst enemy, but the hyperbole works here. Watch the grammar. You need a possessive apostrophe there.

I can not jog more than a mile without thinking there is a serial killer chasing me.

I know what you are saying here, but the reader could think that this sentence means that running makes you paranoid--after the mile mark, you start hallucinating about serial killers. This is fine--it doesn't cost too many characters. Running would be construed as a positive trait for a potential student as it helps to blow off steam and increases physical fitness. You would need to rework your sentence though.

The only way I can stay up past midnight is to put on music and dance as if there is an earthquake violently shaking my body, my arms flailing in every direction. I love to break awkward silences with some of my signature jokes.

Okay, more quirks. As it stands, you have a list of idiosyncrasies, but you still haven't told the school about your positive traits. Imagine going into a job interview and saying, "I don't like chocolate, I hallucinate when I run, and I flail when I dance." And then when there is an awkward silence, you could ask, "Wanna hear one of my signature jokes?" I am not trying to pick on you, but I do want to point out that this is more like a job application than a Craiglist ad for a roomie.

I have an addiction that rehab can not cure: reading. Even now, my hands incessantly find their way back to the pages of My Sister's Keeper.

Here you go. You are getting more to attributes that play into the ability to be a successful student. These sentences are a little awkward. I don't think I would list a particular book--especially one from pop culture. The thought of your hands incessantly finding their way to the books' pages is an odd mental image. Unless the book is in Braille, I don't think of the hands as being overly engaged with the page while reading.

One stereotype that I admit falling into is an Asian, woman driver-able to do triple integrals, yet can't make a turn without endangering lives.

Like Kevin, I find this funny. I have a friend who hit a car at a stop light. She backed up and was afraid that she backed up too far so she pulled forward again--hitting the car a second time. She is offended when we tell her that she is the stereotypical Asian woman driver. I like this sentence. It shows that you are comfortable with math and can laugh at yourself.

If there was one physical appearance I could change about myself, it would be my hair. People have compared it to as big as a lion's mane, yet as coarse as a horse's tail. I have engendered a love for fashion while working at a clothing store.

This ia all stuff that I would delete to make room for other characters. Physical appearance and love for fashion isn't something that Stanford will be looking at when making its decision. You run the risk of the reader thinking that you are superficial. Use those characters to talk about other traits. You don't have to list your GPA or things of that nature, but let Standford know that you are considerate, easy going, open to new experiences and new people, and eager to be a part of the college community. Use the space to showcase your humor, but do it in a way that makes the characters count. If there is something in the essay that doesn't speak to your ability to be a successful student at Stanford, cut it to make room for things that will.
Moonshadow0302 - / 68  
Nov 11, 2009   #8
I take offence at the stereotype of a careless Asian woman driver - I am a woman driver and Asian, and I am an excellent driver - have never had a single black mark on my license! I hope no Asian woman driver reads your essay!

The rest everyone else has covered.
purl81 1 / 14  
Nov 11, 2009   #9
"When someone says to describe myself in 1800 characters, I think why am I wasting space by writing an intro? So, instead of citing off activities on my resume surrounded by lavish adjectives in sentences, I concocted a sparknotes version of me that would provide pragmatic when forced to share four walls together."

*(provide pragmatic seemed a bit awkward)*

Personally I really enjoyed this beginning. I think its funny, original, and gives insight into your personality which seems irreverent, a bit rebellious and intellectual yet not type A. I agree, the conclusion needs work... You need once sentence which ties all of the random facts together and gives some deeper meaning to you as a person. sorry i can't be more helpful with that!

The other thing is, that in the prompt it asks what would make your future roommate know you better, but there is also that "us" part as well. I agree with the previous reader who said to take out physical traits and to include more interest based sentences- like about reading, jogging etc. You can combine personality traits with interest sentences like "I end up getting cast as random characters in plays, like the seventh dwarf or the tree, but somehow I always discover another unique part of myself"- don't know where that came from (ha) but the sentence shows that lets say you are interested in theatre, but also that you are a person who takes risks, takes advantage of learning experiences, and is self reflective. still use your fun writing sense, no need to change that AT ALL but you can just pick and choose a few different sentences to better illustrate you to both audiences.

Overall, go with what feels right and what you feel accurately represents you, with just a bit more attention to what will illustrate you as a student, person, and individual. ya, small task for 1800 words:):)

Please take a look at my essay: Deciding to Leave High School- UC prompt #2. Thanks!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 12, 2009   #10
I hope no Asian woman driver reads your essay!

Yes... this is a good point! I think the stereotypes she is joking about are that "woman drivers" are bad and that Asian people are good at math. This first part can be offensive to women in general... it's too bad, though, because your sense of humor is so great! The part about Asian student being good at math (and every other subject) is well-documented in research...

"prove to be useful" would be better than "prove pragmatic."


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