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Posts by bonjouramelie
Joined: Nov 2, 2009
Last Post: Nov 21, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 9  
From: USA

Displayed posts: 10
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bonjouramelie   
Nov 21, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt #1: unsatisfied with high school; UC prompt #2: experience at COSMOS [4]

I feel that having both essays on "expanding your learning" is a bit overkill. I would make at least one of them more personal. They already know you're a fantastic student through your application the essay is to add character and voice to the numbers they see in front of them.
bonjouramelie   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / "The Other Stoke"-UC Essay Prompt #1 [3]

I would say instead of telling the audience about how much windsurfing means to you, show them. Paint the picture in their minds and evoke all the senses of what its like to be at the ocean etc. I would show them how you feel more rather than just telling them too. For example "It was amazing to finally feel that all my effort and time had amounted to something." should convey true emotion what was it like? Make the reader feel like they were you.
bonjouramelie   
Nov 4, 2009
Essays / Influential Black Person (a local essay contest) [11]

I would suggest Jimi Hendrix if you are a music geek like me.

Try it out, You could add much more flavor to an essay that way rather than the good old Rosa Parks or Malcom X stories!
bonjouramelie   
Nov 4, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 The key to my world [9]

*REVISED* (minimally :/ )
I tried to incorporate what you guys had to say. I specified my thesis more at the end so that the audience understands my point. Unfortunately I work with a word limit so I can't add as much detail as I would like. ** can someone help me put more strength in my closing statement?**
bonjouramelie   
Nov 4, 2009
Undergraduate / UT App Essay B obesity [6]

I may just sound ignorant but I feel this is a sensitive topic to write an admissions essay on. It's like skimming the ice you know? To end obesity? That's almost like saying you want to end homosexuality it won't happen. In my opinion I feel that obesity can be strongly linked to genetics and it's almost discriminatory to right an essay like this. (I mean it in the least harsh way possible.)
bonjouramelie   
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / CORNELL SUPPLEMENT, GROSS NATIONAL HAPPINESS [5]

I would not start off with I was born and I was raised blah blah blah. This gets very boring. I would introduce the essay with something like... "Americans are constantly bombarded with Gross Domestic Product and Gross National Product (possibly use something different than product). I believe I can implement the first Gross National Happiness if given the opportunity at Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences...

Then I would briefly give the main idea of "Gross National Happiness" and elaborate how you were exposed to poverty first hand. Then I would spend most of the essay describing what this procedure calls for and your action plan. Make sure you sound confident and you KNOW the policy will work.
bonjouramelie   
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 The key to my world [9]

Thank you JSteinberger I'm so glad you like it!

Ivyeyesediting, I love all that you have to say. It really helps and I felt the same way but couldn't put it to words. My only issue is the word limit (I want to stay within 500 words). I'll definitely try to trim some fat off the edges an add more important material :)

P.S. I was very crushed when my essay was rated a 5 out of 10 on a different site so this definitely makes me feel better.
bonjouramelie   
Nov 2, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 The key to my world [9]

Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My alternate reality is unlocked the instant my key reaches the ignition. The damp twigs and pine needles crackle beneath me as I delicately press on the gas. The small fraction of the sun deceives me into believing that it greets me the exact angle each morning. I remain punctual to my watch while the trickster grows hesitant to rise as the season progresses. There are no traffic reports, no pesky sales pitches, not even the catchy sounds of my playlist. The persistent mellow hum is all that is necessary to channel me into my realm.

Most who are familiar with this modest town would convince you it was lifeless. How is that so? I know for a fact that the chatty winter birds are nothing short of lively. On occasion they become so vocal that they agitate the austere birches. The cranky giants grow so peevish that they blast a heavy gust and shake their extended bony arms with contempt. My murky windows clear up and I encounter two companions at seven gables farm. In a green chipped barn lives an ivy maned horse who habitually sticks her head out the framework. An exhausted border collie rests beside her for security. Today they do not sleep, but bask in silence with eyes agape and one mutual desire. When will master bring breakfast?

I suddenly become entranced. The road lying in front of me acts as a nexus from the concrete world to a vision controlled by my own fabrications. Rather than travelling down School Street, I am steering on a super highway to my future. "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

My destiny is bright, not only figuratively but literally. Colossal towers pierce and illuminate the horizon. The chatter surrounding me is no longer of Mother Nature but of a variety of zooming people. Languages unknown to me tickle my ears. A man with a freshly tailored suit and daily newspaper marches to his office. Similarly, a woman barks on her mobile phone while running to her law firm. This omnipresent sense of purpose excites me as I pace with the commuting parade. Where do I fit into this mold? I am the young woman in the pale blue scrubs who is fresh out of med school. I stride down the block latching onto a few textbooks and a stethoscope conveniently placed at my neck. The moment my hand reaches the intimidating superstructure where my residency will be held, my bubble bursts.

Innocence is preserved within the nature of my New England home. Consequently, my childhood was pure and simple. Adulthood unfolds before my eyes and I am ready to tackle the bittersweet reality of urban life. Raw nature fulfilled my keen imagination whereas the city can assist my ambitions. After a car ride filled with pleasant site seeing and a stimulating mind trip, I finally arrive to my destination. The harsh reality does not seem harsh at all when I look at my High School and see that my dream starts here.
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