Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My alternate reality is unlocked the instant my key reaches the ignition. The damp twigs and pine needles crackle beneath me as I delicately press on the gas. The small fraction of the sun deceives me into believing that it greets me the exact angle each morning. I remain punctual to my watch while the trickster grows hesitant to rise as the season progresses. There are no traffic reports, no pesky sales pitches, not even the catchy sounds of my playlist. The persistent mellow hum is all that is necessary to channel me into my realm.
Most who are familiar with this modest town would convince you it was lifeless. How is that so? I know for a fact that the chatty winter birds are nothing short of lively. On occasion they become so vocal that they agitate the austere birches. The cranky giants grow so peevish that they blast a heavy gust and shake their extended bony arms with contempt. My murky windows clear up and I encounter two companions at seven gables farm. In a green chipped barn lives an ivy maned horse who habitually sticks her head out the framework. An exhausted border collie rests beside her for security. Today they do not sleep, but bask in silence with eyes agape and one mutual desire. When will master bring breakfast?
I suddenly become entranced. The road lying in front of me acts as a nexus from the concrete world to a vision controlled by my own fabrications. Rather than travelling down School Street, I am steering on a super highway to my future. "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."
My destiny is bright, not only figuratively but literally. Colossal towers pierce and illuminate the horizon. The chatter surrounding me is no longer of Mother Nature but of a variety of zooming people. Languages unknown to me tickle my ears. A man with a freshly tailored suit and daily newspaper marches to his office. Similarly, a woman barks on her mobile phone while running to her law firm. This omnipresent sense of purpose excites me as I pace with the commuting parade. Where do I fit into this mold? I am the young woman in the pale blue scrubs who is fresh out of med school. I stride down the block latching onto a few textbooks and a stethoscope conveniently placed at my neck. The moment my hand reaches the intimidating superstructure where my residency will be held, my bubble bursts.
Innocence is preserved within the nature of my New England home. Consequently, my childhood was pure and simple. Adulthood unfolds before my eyes and I am ready to tackle the bittersweet reality of urban life. Raw nature fulfilled my keen imagination whereas the city can assist my ambitions. After a car ride filled with pleasant site seeing and a stimulating mind trip, I finally arrive to my destination. The harsh reality does not seem harsh at all when I look at my High School and see that my dream starts here.
Hi Melanie!
Wow. I absolutely love what you have done. The 1st paragraph is brilliant (sentence 2 is a great sensory image--nice work). I have a few suggestions to potentially strengthen your material:
-I might sprinkle the opening paragraph with a few more details. Give a city (and even country) name. Your description is so evocative, the reader wonders where you actually live!
-I might consolidate paragraphs just to give your essay more narrative cohesion and structure, so that it feels less like 'free verse.' Paragraphs 2 & 3 can be joined together, then 'I suddenly become entranced' represents a nice bridge between present and future--then merge paragraphs 5 & 6, then your conclusion.
-Your essay is delightfully reflective and abstract, but I think it could stand to gain a little more specificity (especially with the 'future' section). Are you tailoring this essay to specific colleges? How might your future be adapted accordingly? What types of specific challenges or new experiences do you expect at each?
-I would adapt the conclusion of your essay. On some level, you do not really target the prompt: "...and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations." It can be inferred that your surroundings inspire your imagination and your ambitions, but there is no real specificity to this.
How has growing up in a small town catalyzed your dreams and ambitions? How have the familiar characters and sights on your drive to school worked to expand your vision and sense of possibility? These are just a few thoughts on how you might push your reflection to really address the prompt. Ultimately, this gives the AdCom a way to understand your sense of perspective, and I think you have the capabilities as a writer to effectively respond to this 'side' of the prompt.
Cheers,
Janson
Thank you JSteinberger I'm so glad you like it!
Ivyeyesediting, I love all that you have to say. It really helps and I felt the same way but couldn't put it to words. My only issue is the word limit (I want to stay within 500 words). I'll definitely try to trim some fat off the edges an add more important material :)
P.S. I was very crushed when my essay was rated a 5 out of 10 on a different site so this definitely makes me feel better.
Fantastic, so glad you found our feedback helpful! 5 out of 10--they must be jealous of your narrative capabilities :)
it's definitely a beautiful essay. the imagery is amazing. but one of the dangers of such a descriptive essay is that is sometimes fails to have enough substance. it's hard to really understand how your world (which you describe wonderfully) actually shaped your dreams of becoming a doctor. try to integrate it in a bit more substantively. a great start~
*REVISED* (minimally :/ )
I tried to incorporate what you guys had to say. I specified my thesis more at the end so that the audience understands my point. Unfortunately I work with a word limit so I can't add as much detail as I would like. ** can someone help me put more strength in my closing statement?**
Thanks for replying. Do you have to write something truthful? If you'd like, I'll let you borrow parts of my life to write about as if it were your life. It's about how I didn't really know what America was until I turned six because I lived in Germany since I was three. This resulted in less nationalism like saying "USA Number One!" and more caring about what went on in other countries.
hmm for some reason I don't find this relevant?
me neither.. anyways this is an amazing essay.. the detaisl you place in here are fantastic. Hope Stanford is your reach ahaha :P
