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Posts by west
Joined: Nov 3, 2009
Last Post: Nov 10, 2009
Threads: 4
Posts: 5  


Displayed posts: 9
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west   
Nov 10, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Can TV teach people?" - Give band to my IELTS essay [5]

Not all the information on the TV is beneficial like watching violent movies and incidents effect(affect) children mental growth as well as behavior, therefore parents should make sure what their children are watching(is safe?...you can restructure this sentence better ). In some countries a system of rating TV program has been defined, which should intimate their viewers about the content of the program and its target audience.

Your concluding statement can be improved...Parents should pay attention to controlled TV viewing by children.


Great attempt maknojia, how soon is your exam? You are on the right track, you have excellent points, however you should pay attention to your spellings and grammar. That can improve if you read your essay aloud to yourself.
west   
Nov 9, 2009
Writing Feedback / Some people think that criminals should be given longer terms in prison, to reduce the crime rate [2]

KELVIN HELP ME RATE THIS AND IF POSSIBLE FROM YOUR WEALTH OF EXPERIENCE GIVE ME A SCORE---THANKS

Some people think that criminals should be given longer terms in prison , so as to reduce the crime rate . To what extent do you agree or disagree

ANSWER

In this age and time when most governments around the world are thinking of de-criminalizing various crimes and ensuring that prison time is short but corrective, some people are suggesting the exact opposite. Various researches reveal, lengthier prison sentences does not lead to a reduction in crime. I agree with this view for the following reasons discussed below.

Long prison sentences harden criminals rather than correct them. A large study done in Ghana two years ago reveals to us that young prisoners who were handed maximum sentences for crimes committed ended up having careers as con-men. This is attributed to learning new tricks and getting bigger connections in prison. Some of them, who were dependent on one hard drug, had become dependent on several at exit. The converse was the case for those with shorter sentences, who were also afforded the opportunity of seeing counsellors and attending community service.

Giving lengthier prison sentences is not cost effective. The state wastes more funds when it hands out longer prison sentences to criminals. This is because a lot of money is spent in keeping them in prison. You have to secure the prison, pay the workers, feed them etc. However when released the state still as to spend money on security of its people because they go back to crime.

A lot of research has shown that it is better to hand out shorter sentences with compulsory counselling sessions.

Giving long sentences to criminals increases crime and makes the state insecure. It not cost-effective for the government or state, no wonder there is a drive the world over towards harm minimization.
west   
Nov 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / Tourism - business which fosters better relationship between countries and people of different races [2]

Kelvin can you please help me read through...thanks.

Topic: Nowadays, international tourism is the biggest industry in the world. Unfortunately, international tourism creates tension rather than understanding between people from different cultures.
To what extent do you agree or disagree ?


International tourism is no doubt one of the biggest income earners for many countries in the world today. Apart from providing employment and better infrastructure, it has also helped in fostering better understanding between people from different cultures.

World cultures are merging; tourism has helped the rapid spread of cultures and enabled a better understanding of cultures foreign. This has helped thaw the tension in race relationships. A visiting tourist lives amongst the people, learns their ways and their local languages. He or she begins to understand why they behave in certain ways. For example my friend Tina, who works as an international student consultant, who visited Africa some years back, finds it very easy to understand the African students compared to her other colleagues because she being in Africa as a tourist and understands their ways. Unlike the others who constantly have problems with them and wonder what voodoo she uses to get them to be good friends with her. It is no voodoo it is tourism.

Tourism has brought about exchange of expertise and better understanding between nations. Recently China and Kenya signed a tourism pact. This pact is to help develop and maintain game reserves in Kenya. This pact will see some Kenyan students and workers going to study in China and Chinese engineers and wild life specialist will have to learn local languages in Kenya. This will only foster a better relationship and a deep understanding between these two countries.

Tourism is big business but it no doubt fosters better relationship between countries and people of different races. I think it is unwise for any country to neglect tourism.
west   
Nov 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / Most people consider that success in the academy is one of the biggest preparations for the future [2]

Please can i have a moderator's comment on my essay. Thanks.

In modern society, most people consider that success in the academy is one of the biggest preparations for the future; therefore, some people think that some non-academic subjects such as art, physical education or cookery should be moved out of curriculum at school. Personally, I disagree with this opinion for several reasons which will be analyzed in this essay.

First of all, learning non-academic subjects brings many benefits for students. Children cannot learn well as well as concentrate on their class if they are not healthy. When they attend physical education class, they can improve their physical and metal (mental) which help them study effectively. Moreover, when they join other non-academic courses such as cookery, they can have time for relaxation and reduce stress, fatigue from studying hard classes like math, chemistry and so on.

Furthermore, some times attending non-academic classes can lead to a successful career. Take my closed (close)friend for an example. When we were students at high school, my close (closed) friend called Tommy was not good at science subjects such as math,(and) physics; thus, he hated them. When he attended physical education courses, he found that he had talents at swimming, and then he decided to take other swimming training courses at (the) local sport center in order to develop his abilities as well as a career in sports. Now,(However) he has succeeded in his career, and he has gained three gold metals in 5 swimming national competitions he took apart. Many thanks to physical education course which helped him make a conscious decision about career.

In conclusion, I definitely believe that both academic and non-academic subjects should be well come (offered) in all schools. Children can acquire many advantages for learning non-academic subjects: getting healthier and some times making a good decision for career.
west   
Nov 4, 2009
Writing Feedback / happiness definition and factors influence in achieving happiness - consensus of opinions [4]

As much as possible ensure your first sentence is devoid of spelling or grammatic errors. Thinhtvdhtm, iT IS THERE IS NO DOUBT....and not...There is no double

In line 2 what is happiness should follow with a question mark.

still in Line 2... i WILL analyze the definition of happiness and not....I will analyze happiness definition

Research as not had a consensus of opinion...and not have not had the consensus of opinions

The third paragraph, In real life, there are some factors which influence the way people ...and not...In real life, there are some factors which influence on the way people.

It is a good attempt but there are a lot of grammatic errors which could have been corrected by simpling reading through again and again.

cheers
west   
Nov 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / Non-academic subjects should be removed from school. Agree or not? [6]

With the pressures on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school such as physical education, cookery should be removed from syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?--CHECK OUT MY OWN RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is intense ...

SEE ABOVE
west   
Nov 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / Non-academic subjects should be removed from school. Agree or not? [6]

The essay is a good attempt. The introduction is very good but the body of the essay lacks points that can sway the reader to agree with your views. You need to develop more points. I will attempt your essay and then you and others can read through give your opinion and see areas which you can improve. However you are doing well, with more practice you sure will get an excellent score. cheers
west   
Nov 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / Can happiness be defined? What factors are important in achieving happiness? [2]

This is an essay ...
(...)

Some other have said finding the right career path is also important in finding happiness in life.
This is because you will spend a great part of it in that chosen career. Some others feel happiness can be achieved by having a sense of the metaphysical. A spiritual realtionship with the unseen God. A lot of testimonies about this experience is documented in literature.

Hapiness is important although some describe it as temporary because they feel it is greatly affected by your circumstance. They recommend that people should look for the more permanent experience called Joy. Joy they say is feeling upbeat regardless of your situation. Whether Joy or happiness, both are experiences worth dying for.
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