Please can i have a moderator's comment on my essay. Thanks.
In modern society, most people consider that success in the academy is one of the biggest preparations for the future; therefore, some people think that some non-academic subjects such as art, physical education or cookery should be moved out of curriculum at school. Personally, I disagree with this opinion for several reasons which will be analyzed in this essay.
First of all, learning non-academic subjects brings many benefits for students. Children cannot learn well as well as concentrate on their class if they are not healthy. When they attend physical education class, they can improve their physical and metal (mental) which help them study effectively. Moreover, when they join other non-academic courses such as cookery, they can have time for relaxation and reduce stress, fatigue from studying hard classes like math, chemistry and so on.
Furthermore, some times attending non-academic classes can lead to a successful career. Take my closed (close)friend for an example. When we were students at high school, my close (closed) friend called Tommy was not good at science subjects such as math,(and) physics; thus, he hated them. When he attended physical education courses, he found that he had talents at swimming, and then he decided to take other swimming training courses at (the) local sport center in order to develop his abilities as well as a career in sports. Now,(However) he has succeeded in his career, and he has gained three gold metals in 5 swimming national competitions he took apart. Many thanks to physical education course which helped him make a conscious decision about career.
In conclusion, I definitely believe that both academic and non-academic subjects should be well come (offered) in all schools. Children can acquire many advantages for learning non-academic subjects: getting healthier and some times making a good decision for career.
In modern society, most people consider
that success in the academy to be one of the best ways to prepare for the future; therefore, some people think ...
...improve their physical and mental health , which help them study effectively.
Furthermore, sometimes attending non-academic classes can lead to a successful career. Take my
closed close friend for an example; wh en we were students at high school, my close (closed) friend, Tommy, was not good at science subjects such as math,(and) physics. Thus, he hated them.
In conclusion, I definitely believe that both academic and non-academic subjects should be welcome in schools.
No, this is better! You are right: ...should be offered in all schools.
You do make mistakes, but any reader can understand your meaning. Congratulations for being bilingual! All bilingual people are geniuses, I think.