Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by john7777
Joined: Nov 12, 2009
Last Post: Nov 14, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  


Displayed posts: 6
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john7777   
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Growing up a Muslim American, a world of justice and equality [3]

1st Essay:

Great essay with an excellent topic.

"Because of my enhancing experiences with Rabbi Lynn and the support of so many others, my dream was shaped."

Try rewording this sentence by putting the second segment in front.

"My passion is to rid the world of injustice and help those that are struggling,Try separation here and I want to forever carry on this legacy and keep this dream alive."

Also, try separating the last sentence of the essay.

Overall great essay

Thx for editing mine :)
john7777   
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / waterskiing, UC Prompt 2: Personal Experience. [4]

UC Prompt 2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

When I am relaxing on the bow of our motorboat for the first time all summer, I start to feel the nervous excitement beginning to build in my stomach. I know that I am about to experience my favorite hobby. I have been slalom skiing and wakeboarding for many summers now. I started out as an incompetent water-skier unable to emerge from the water. It was through hard work and determination that I managed to stand up on skis for the first time after scores of unsuccessful attempts.

My parents urged me to try water-skiing as young boy. I was very skinny for my age and it was incredibly difficult to stand up on the skis. Our boat would start to move and I would immediately tumble forward. Fighting my pride, I told myself that giving up was not an option. Countless attempts later, I managed to get up on the skis and I realized that my persistence had paid off. My first ride was far from relaxed, but it was still tremendously exciting. I used that same determination and hard work to get up on a wakeboard and shortly after on a slalom ski. A few years later, I am now able to jump and clear the wake on both a slalom ski and wakeboard.

Looking back on my early endeavor with water-skiing, I realize how I have applied hard work and determination to various aspects throughout my life. In my freshman year of high school, I admit that I did not achieve my potential grades. I attributed my low test scores to my math teacher's inability to teach. With one month remaining before school ended, I recognized that I had a chance of getting my first F and decided to buckle down. I ended up getting an A- on the final exam and D semester grade. It was a minor victory because I knew I would still have to make up the class, but I acknowledged the impact of a little effort and vowed to sustain my diligence.

My experience with water-skiing instilled a hard work ethic for me to follow. Now as I spend many hours studying for my AP classes, practicing my soccer, and repeatedly attempting a new water-sports feat, it is mind-boggling how lackadaisical I was in school as a freshman. This past summer as I as I learned how to jump the wake on a slalom ski and wakeboard, I realized how far that day of relentless effort to get up on skis had taken me. I will embody this same spirit of hard work and determination when I go to college and incorporate it throughout the many aspects of my life.

I need all the help I can get. Thank you in advance.
john7777   
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / UC-'The World I came from' (South-Korean) essay [5]

Very well-written essay on an excellent topic. Colleges will love your topic!

Just one suggestion. You may not need to list all the places you have visited as it kind of breaks the tone of the essay. Maybe list your favorite places or regions of your travels.

Anyways, it is just a suggestion.

I think colleges really like the diversity you will bring to their school. :)
john7777   
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "Studying Spanish" - U of M Diversity Essay Question [12]

You conveyed a good message.

Try slimming down some the sentences:

"Aboard a vessel at sea, under the Costa Rican sky, about to venture to an underwater world for the first time, I overcame the language barrier."

"I've learned to play guitar, written poetry, tried wakeboarding, road tripped across country, helped an animal, fed the hungry, and I'm looking to continue expanding my mind, I'm sure attending the University of Michigan will do just that."

Combine or separate the segments.

Good Luck!!
john7777   
Nov 12, 2009
Undergraduate / How my environment shape my career aspirations [3]

Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Throughout my teenage life, I have been mystified by the prospect of choosing the perfect career. I had grown accustomed to friends offering seemingly frivolous advice, yet it was the cliché, "Let your interests guide you", which directed me towards an environmental engineering career. The diverse environments I have lived in from New Hampshire to California, and the conservation-minded political climate of the Bay Area established a firm desire to further my understanding of nature.

As a young boy in New Hampshire, I was introduced to nature through a variety of outdoor recreations. During the freezing winters, I embraced skiing through evergreen forests and skating across the icy plains of frozen lakes. The Northeast was not all cold though. In the summertime, I cherished tubing alongside my brothers on Lake Winnipesaukee as a break from the drudgery of humid days. Growing up in the Northeast was enthralling, but that was hardly the beginning of my allure to nature.

In California, my intrigue towards nature matured as I adapted to my new Bay Area home nestled at the base of a steep foothill separating Fremont from an expanse of rolling hills. Our house was prone to mudslides, but as young boys, we were predisposed to explore the hill's rugged ascents. The hill was akin to a playground. Nearly everyday after elementary school, my gang of friends and I would climb up the hill, unearthing fossils, chasing deer, and constructing little forts. Out West, I learned to appreciate nature with blue skies and ideal weather, a rarity back in New Hampshire. The sunny weather enabled me to occasionally snowboard without a jacket and always wakeboard without a wetsuit. Our state's bounty of gorgeous scenery and prime recreations encouraged me to explore the environment and only fostered my love of nature.

I am aware that unless we preserve nature by our actions at home, nature's parks will not survive much longer. Living in the Bay Area, where the diverse population is incredibly environmentally friendly, substantially influenced my perception of the environment. Most Californians are actually concerned about human induced climate change. Despite national constraints, California has transcended much of the country's political squabbling over the environment, becoming a leader in environmental technology and innovation. The amalgamation of California's beautiful landscapes and environmental climate motivates me to aspire to preserve some of my fondest memories out in nature.

Up until a few years ago, enjoying nature was merely a hobby. Trekking through pristine wilderness was a family vacation or a Boy Scout outing, but certainly not a precursor to career aspirations. However, as my wish of becoming a professional baseball player subsided and my affection for the environment intensified, I realized that I should follow my interests in pursuing an environmental engineering career. Reflecting on my upbringing, I have experienced nature from a rural perspective in the heart of New Hampshire and a more developed standpoint home right on the edge of the Bay Area suburbs. Combine that with the environmental ideology engrossing me in California, and I believe I was destined for an environmental career. As an environmental engineer, I know that I can be a part of the effort to promote a better world.
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