Prompt #1- Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Growing up a Muslim American and being one of the first generations of my family in America, I knew my life would become significantly different than that of my relatives. We are from Baghdad, Iraq and are proud people of our heritage, but I knew I always wanted more. I am the son of a television producer and a mechanical engineer. My mother, whom has always been my inspiration in all my most meaningful achievements, has always pushed me to gain a sense of self accomplishment in anything I set forth for myself. It was only until recently that I discovered that my mother not only accomplished everything for us as a single mother, but also did this while secretly for years fighting a deadly eating disorder, bulimia. Her achievements have paved a path of ambition, spunk and determination for me as an individual.
I believe myself to be a passionate devout humanitarian activist. Aside from my bi-monthly interfaith retreats with major religious leaders, and peers, of various faiths, one leader stuck out the most in my mind. Rabbi Lynn Gottleib was one of the first female rabbi's in recorded history. She has always seen the spark in me that others did not. The day we had our first passionate conversation about the world around us and the growing problems humanity faces was the day that really paved my path as a future activist in the developmental futures of people in need. As Rabbi Lynn and I began our conversation she stated a point that would always stick in my mind forever; "Helping those in need, is the greatest blessing god has bestowed upon us. Haider I see great things in you. I know that you can change the lives of the people who need it most". Thinking to myself the raw power and passion in that statement, I knew it lifted the blackness shrouding my mind and revealed the dream god had placed inside me. With a new found passion I began to work diligently to find out who I was destined to become. Joining many congregation's of many different faith's and studying the ideology of helping those who for whatever reason cannot help themselves has shown me that every religion has one thing in common; The desire and need to lift the spirits of those who need it most.
Because of my enhancing experiences with Rabbi Lynn and the support of so many others, my dream was shaped. The ability to save one person whether it is a child who needs shoes or a parent, who needs a home for his struggling family, is a reward innit of itself. It has now become a goal of mine to show the world what can happen if we collaborate together and save a child. Tearing down the walls of ignorance and freeing the captivation of imagination and caring attitudes can make this world a better place for everyone. My mother has been a sole reason of my success in my community. Her gentle nudge was all I needed to begin my pursuit of enlightening people about my passion. Constant visits to the mosque and local congregations helped me really focus myself into voicing my opinions. With her undying support I mastered my public speaking skills and my confidence to stand up for who I am and what I am trying to achieve. My world is one filled with dedication and devotion. My passion is to rid the world of injustice and help those that are struggling, and I want to forever carry on this legacy and keep this dream alive.
Prompt #2 - Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Stopping to catch my breath, I hand over the last of the shipments of blankets to the head organizer. This was my sixth annual feeding the homeless drive and I was ready to make this year better than my last. Nothing humbles a fasting soul during the month of Ramadan more than passing out a refreshing bottle of water to someone who needs it more. As I walked on to the smooth, black pavement the sun beat on my body like a baseball bat slams on a baseball, and my skin was perspiring from the heat. This year was different; I was now the head of the youth department overseeing the distribution of the products at hand. The head organizer looked at me and said "Get ready for the biggest group yet. We intend on having your division push the ones in wheelchairs through the lines." I was excited for the opportunity to be able to help someone move around at my expense rather than theirs. As I saw the line fill up with weary travelers I felt a warm feeling in the pit of my heart that was reassuring with a sense of bliss.
I met a man named Mohammad, whom was also a Muslim. We became fast friends and he characterized to me his life, his dreams, and all of his greatest ambitions. I was amazed by his optimistic attitude towards life, even though everything had been brutally stripped from his grasp. He lost his family, his livelihood and even his mobility, yet he always talked with a smile on his face and a hand out to god. He was in my life for only a short while, yet he became one of the most influential people in my life. Due to his limited mobility he didn't have the strength to push himself to the mission about three miles uphill away from the drive, so I ardently decided to push him there knowing it would benefit him and me.
Ounces of my strength were percolating out of my skin as I went up and down the hills towards the mission. The heat was unbearable and my limited water supply that was reserved in my body was seeping all over my clothes. My muscles started to tighten and my legs were numb with agonizing pain. When I reached the half way point I was exhausted and was spent on the verge of collapse. Brother Mohammad smiled at me and said to be weary of my decisions, for a powerful individual needs to finish what he has started. I looked at him knowing what he said was the inspiration I need to carry on. As my body started to move again my speed sped up, my muscles began to loosen, my feet began to give way to a new found strength that surprised me with a shock. As I walked into the mission I saw a number of smiling faces looking at me with weary eyes and laggard faces. I knew that pain I suffered wasn't comparable to the agonized pain that people all over the world endure because of the injustice that engulfs our existence. I knew that my new found strength was going to be my weapon against the tyranny of poverty, and each day I empower my passion with the ability to surpass obstacles that stand in my way towards reaching my goal of a world of justice and equality.
1st Essay:
Great essay with an excellent topic.
"Because of my enhancing experiences with Rabbi Lynn and the support of so many others, my dream was shaped."
Try rewording this sentence by putting the second segment in front.
"My passion is to rid the world of injustice and help those that are struggling,Try separation here and I want to forever carry on this legacy and keep this dream alive."
Also, try separating the last sentence of the essay.
Overall great essay
Thx for editing mine :)
It was not until recently that I discovered that my mother not only accomplished everything for us as a single mother, but also did this while secretly for years fighting a deadly eating disorder: bulimia. Her achievements have paved a path of ambition, spunk and determination for me as an individual.
The placement of this sentence at the end of the first para makes it sound like the whole essay is about her. You need to end the first para with a sentence about the theme that your life has taken on as a result of experiencing your mom's strength and the other things described in this essay. The intro para has to support the rest of the essay by saying something that applies to the whole essay.
I think you need to add 2 more sentences to the first para of that first essay: one sentence to name the other topics to be covered, and another to sum up the meaning -- what kind of person it has made you.
In the conclusion of that first essay, take advantage of the opportunity to talk about how this schools program will enable you to fulfill your aspirations.
Comma:
This was my sixth annual feeding the homeless drive, and I was ready to make this year better than my last.
Comma:
As I walked into the mission, I saw a number of smiling faces looking at me with weary eyes and laggard faces.
I knew that pain I suffered wasn't comparable to the agonized pain that people all over the world endure because of the injustice that engulfs our existence.-----> How about saying something more specific about the causes of the pain... you could list several causes of pain and injustice.
