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Posts by amaryrose
Joined: Nov 18, 2009
Last Post: Nov 28, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 16  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 18
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amaryrose   
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Beginning of my BU essay---I need to shorten it..A LOT! [2]

Definitely tighten up that introduction. I suggest skipping the middle "how can i do this" bit, and go straight from "tired and frustrated" to "opened a photo gallery." The other sentences are really filler. Oh, and calm can be a noun - it doesn't have to be calmness.

"We were at an Indian Restaurant called Shiva looking at a menu filled with words we were incapabe of pronouncing, words that looked nothing like how the waiter sounded them as he was telling us of the chef's specialties." ok, the words were weird. Pick one way to describe them (either incapable of pronouncing OR sounded nothing like what the waiter said). Basically, that's your downfall - description. I know you want to describe in detail (I always do to) but you have to pick and choose short, vivid phrases so there's room for ideas.

"would fill our nasal cavities filled our noses as platters were being delivered to the surrounding tables. " I'm not sure you need the red bit. I mean, you are in a restaurant, so you don't have to describe why you are smelled such smells. i know its nice, but we're cutting this down.

"Bowls of colorful goop (best word I can think of to describe it) surrounded a pile of rice and peas." Its a cute aside, but cut it. If you don't think the word goop works without it, find a simpler synonym.

"All of these mysterious flavors are now in my brain's lengthy catalog of eclectic experiences that make me excited to try new things." I feel like this sentence could be constructed in a much more concise way, but I am not exactly sure how...

Otherwise, you have a good start here. Just be careful with description - that's really what causes the word pileup. If it doesn't have a point, take it out. (Seriously, I'm the same way with my writing. Its hard, but you'll find the right balance.) But don't be afraid to have your first draft be over the word count. You can always cut words out.
amaryrose   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / MassArt -- why i want to attend, my love for art, and how i came to this passion [8]

I think it is looking good.

A few small issues.

First: declaration. You don't need to say "I want to attend Massachusetts School of Art for a number of reasons." It attends an extra sentence and extra words without saying anything.

Second: some of your sentences and word choice suffer from redundancy. Have you tried reading your essay aloud? I know it seems silly, but that's how I smoothed out most of my errors. It can really help honing the voice of your essay. (remember to pause at all the commas to make sure they make sense)

"My high school, Norwich Free Academy, is known for its collegiate-level art program; in the past four years, I have taken seventeen semesters' worth of art instruction." -- bit of grammar : )

And I am not sure the description of Boston is particularly necessary for your essay. It doesn't exactly detract, but it doesn't exactly add anything either. It may be important to you, but I think it is one point to many for this essay about art and your passion.

I really like your viewpoint of finding inspiration in small things, its so sweet.
amaryrose   
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / MassArt -- why i want to attend, my love for art, and how i came to this passion [8]

Cute! couple suggestions:

"A park bench is merely a place to sit to most passersby." <- I think the word 'people' wasn't working in your first sentence, something more along this line is a little more interesting.

"...or how I would have to angle..."

"The more I study the world and further my artistic skills, the more I become aware of my surroundings and how anything, like a simple park bench, can be an inspiration for art."

Sit down and finish your idea. Don't hem and haw over each part, get a whole essay down. It really will be easier to edit, even if you think that essay is terrible. Don't worry about the final product until you HAVE a final product. Trust me, you'll get this essay written : )
amaryrose   
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / MassArt -- why i want to attend, my love for art, and how i came to this passion [8]

Keep your essay focused and concise: that is the main thing. It should be around 500-600 words, and talk about you.

As for picking a major now, it depends on the school. If you get the vibe that it would be best to stick to one, then do that. If you think you could just talk about all of them, that's fine too. As long as you can keep your ideas organized it should be fine.

IF you are stuck, I recommend just picking one major and writing a kickass essay about it. Right now, you are concentrating on getting in to the school: I am sure you'll be able to take classes in all of those fields once you get there.

Start with your art & how art became your passion, they should fit together very easily. With those ideas, you should be able to craft a starting point. Just sit and write: you can organize and refashion and make it perfect later. You have to start somewhere. When you have those ideas down, you'll be able to see if why you want to attend MassArt will flow with the rest of your essay. If the prompt doesn't specifically ask for that, you should be fine without it if the rest of your writing is solid.

Good Luck!
amaryrose   
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / The Fog Rolls Out - "Imagine you are looking out a window..." [4]

Williams Prompt - Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you.

The Fog Rolls Out

There is a wooden cabin with unfinished windows nestled in the mountains of Vermont. In the early summer here, the morning still holds a slight chill. Outside the aging glass the world exists only in hazy blacks and grays, dense fog lingering over everything. When the sun rises, it shies away quietly from the dawn light, inching backward with reluctant care.

Slowly the thick cloud relinquishes its territory, revealing first the splintering porch rail and next the overgrown wild grass. Patiently I curl up, wondering what will be uncovered, whether the earth will be returned at all. As the gray blur clears, color begins to seep back where it had been chased out hours ago. Wispy tendrils snake around the faraway mountain tops, clinging to their nighttime treasures. An hour must pass before the sunlight grows stronger; only then the mountains easily shake off the thinning mist.

I can see the houses that dot the mountainside now, small spots of color surrounded by a verdant sea of green mixed with gray. Do the people there watch the summer fog roll out? Do they imagine the earth may have disappeared? Or Sympathize with a curious cloud, just trying to know what it can? No, that's silly, it never crosses their minds. It's an insignificant thing to anyone else, I know.

But to me, the vast grayness is an everyday mystery I can relish. Staring into the surrounding abyss, I never know if the world will reappear. I gaze on for the long hours - taking pride in my diligence - to see the land exposed bare bit by bit. In the bright daylight, this scene is all-encompassing, ineffable, and too much for my senses. Only with the lumbering can I scrutinize the pieces of the whole. In the trickling dawn light, I can try to understand my world.

...and ineffable - beautiful to say the least. But in the trickling dawn, I can scrutinize the puzzle pieces. In small doses, I can try to understand.

Ah, this essay needs so much work... I think my two biggest stumbling blocks is trying to describe why this scene is meaningful to me and making my description colorful but concise. Suggestions?
amaryrose   
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App essay - " BLUES" [8]

i am very jealous, this is such a superb essay!

But I still have a few comments to make.

"He stood there, like a living and breathing statue that became almost a part of his surroundings." -- I feel like this wording is a little awkward. maybe make it a verb like "...statue melting into his surr..." (that's just an example, I'm sure you can think of something better.)

"A few strand hairs covered..." -> probably just a typo, should be either "a few stray hairs" or "A few strands of hair"

"Coins were touched by greasy fingers, by clean sanitized hands, by uncut fingernails and painted fingernails, probing through dirty wallets and expensive, shiny purses, tossed in suicidal freefalls into the tarnished bowl of his dignity and a day's work." -- I know the point you are making (and love it) but I think this sentence could be structured a little more. Right now all the phrases are kinda hanging out all willy nilly, with a lot of commas holding them together. I think the hands should be the first subject (instead of coins), to set you in some direction

"He stood calmly, only half a man, legitimizing his foreign feet on hostile lands. " What? I may just be dense, but this totally went over my head.

"When his fingers brushed against the steel strings and his voice resonated through the air, the bustling space slowed down around him. I felt as if my steps paused for a fraction of a second. In a fleeting moment of time, I was a part of his story, of his passion and love for music.

He became my inspiration, and my teacher." -- I think you can but this short section in the present tense. I usually don't recommend present tense for narrative, but for some reason I think it might work here. Just try it, see if you like it.

"Walking away, I can feel the soft melodies drifting alongside me, like a sea of dandelions , dissipating into the air." uhh, that's a stretch. if you really want some sort of simile, maybe it could be like 'a lone dandelion'. BUT I think this idea will be stronger without that literary device.

And, finally, the hardest part: your essay is just a little bit long. For the casual reader, the length is intriguing and suspenseful, for an admissions officer it is just a 100 words too long. I know it is hard - especially when each word feels just right. However, I think there are some adjectives here and there that are neat, but aren't completely necessary. If under 600 is too much, I like you could get by if you cut it down to just under 700 words.

Could you take a look at my essays?
amaryrose   
Nov 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Which essay is stronger? (General Personal Statement) [12]

Consensus seems to be leaning toward my riskier essay, thanks for the suggestions. Edited shorter version any better?

And to Kevin, you're not being a Negative Nancy, that is (sort of) what the beginning is supposed to be about. It might be bad, but this essay came out of me being like "Ah my talents are so ordinary blah blah teen angst." I know its a little juvenile, but if I'm being honest that's how I feel. I can try to work on a similar, but less negative, way to start this essay, but I probably won't find it myself.

I want to add another paragraph, but my english teacher says it should be under 600 words, and right now it is at 650...
amaryrose   
Nov 19, 2009
Undergraduate / An essay about Pole Vaut-Rutger's essay [3]

Ah! your first sentence doesn't have a subject! Do you mean "...the air, it was one..." ?

For a college essay, the style is a bit too choppy. It reads more like a story than anything, and doesn't talk at all about how you would contribute to Rutgers or how Rutgers will benefit you.

The idea is usuable, but you need to revise the fragments (like "A feeling that I will never forget") into real sentences and condense the narrative part (a lot). You have some unnecessary redundancy of ideas, and the prompt is not simply write about a situation. You need to relate it to the Rutgers, and right now all you have is a tacked on sort of conclusion that still doesn't really do that.
amaryrose   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay: Helping a Friend [3]

I like the third paragraph, even though it does deviate from your point it is not entirely irrelevant. You could highlight how the two of you were NOT friends before the studying, so the main motivation for helping him out was that you sympathized with feeling out of place. That way, the paragraph feels more necessary.

"He didn't have to help." This took me a moment to understand this; I think it was just the combination of the pronoun and me not getting what the help was referring to. It may just be me, so this edit is up to you, but maybe you could change it to "He didn't have to say anything."

"Once, he loaned me his jacket while I was waiting for the city bus because I was shivering. I knew then that I had a true friend." - I know you want to lend some credence to becoming best buddies, but this sentence doesn't quite do this justice. In real life, I can see this being a nice moment, but on paper the sentence is a little blah. You could jazz it up by describing it more narratively, like "Once, shivering at the bus stop together, Gustav loaned me his jacket" (but make it personal, however it actually happened.)

The beginning is nice, except for the fact that when you say 'empty classroom' I think you are alone in the room; I know its like the very next phrase that introduces Gustav but I think it might be helpful to indicate the classroom is empty 'but for two students' or something. It may just be me.

And the end is weirdly repetitive with 'helpful' and 'help.' But right now I'm at a loss for what to replace one of them with.

It's very sweet. I like it.
amaryrose   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Ever since I can remember, my biggest hero was Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter [4]

While I like steve irwin and your writing, the essay itself comes off a bit bland. I like the ideas and support behind each word, but the structure is very expected. It is not bad, just adequate. It reads like a standard five paragraph essay. From the sentences themselves, I can see you could definitely be better than this.

However, that would be such an overhaul of the essay I'm not sure how to advise you.

If you like it the way it is, I would suggest breaking up the sentences that read "whether" steve irwin situation "or" your own situation "so and so is important." It shoves too many ideas into one sentence, forcing you to use filler to fill up the some of the paragraph. You should try highlighting how strange it isthat the life of a teenage girl and the life of a crocodile hunter include the same values, and use that to string together the examples of strength and so forth.

Also, the quote "keep going..." doesn't really add to your essay. I think you should just say that idea without the quotes.

There are a few spelling errors (roll -> role; highschool -> high school).

But I do like it! I think with some editing you'll have a very good essay on your hands.
amaryrose   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / An artist's hands - UC Essay [17]

"my neighbors literally stop"
I know you are trying to emphasize this, but the would literally has a bit of a casual feel to it (like the word actually.) Its not unforgivable, but i think it might be strong enough without.

"my entire body would feel sore but I felt strong and accomplished, breathless in a good way ."
I really like this sentence, but the last phrase strikes me as a tad flat. maybe "breathless in the best way" or relating breathlessness to being alive. Although, that might require a new sentence, and I don't think you need that. It might be fine the way it is.

"But not once did I have to remind myself to smile, that I felt right in my own skin. "

Simple changes, but I think you should cut the 'but' and make the two halves separate sentences.

Anyway, another great essay! The point is very clear, which I think is one of the hardest things to do.
amaryrose   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Thanksgiving night; UC Prompt #1 - Traditions [7]

"And i got the longer end."
It clashes with the rest of your style and I am not sure what that is supposed to represent. If it has a point, you could reword it to something like "The longer end broke off in my hand" and then put your reasoning for how that ties into your essay. That sentence can't just stand alone, although the imagery is very nice and if it can tie everything together neatly.

Now that I reread it, I see it should be simple enough to add a wish type statement that will work work. Otherwise, I really like this essay!
amaryrose   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Which essay is stronger? (General Personal Statement) [12]

For the second one, Should I try to put more positive things throughout the earlier paragraphs or sort of put another one in a similar style (but of good things) in near the end? For the second, any suggestions on where to put stuff about me in without breaking up the flow?
amaryrose   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay An essay about moments in my life [3]

The premise is interesting, but your structure is very blocky. I would definitely recommend paring down many of your sentences. Steer clear of describing the events in detail - I think a good benchmark might be no more than two sentences. Your essay will flow much better and be more succinct.

Also, listing your qualities like this "The hard work put forth at my job has taught me the values of discipline, maturity, and respect." just takes up space and doesn't really say anything. Stick to showing those qualities through examples, as you later on.
amaryrose   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Which essay is stronger? (General Personal Statement) [12]

I've written two essays for the overall common app essay, but I can't decide which is better. They're a little unconventional, so I may just have to scrap them and start over. Have no fear to be harsh.

The first here is under the "describe a person who has influenced you" prompt.

There is a girl I know who is unbelievably sweet. She is about five feet tall and just a little bit insane. She is having trouble with her college essays, and somehow whines about it in the most endearing way. She has an offbeat sense of humor and an offbeat sort of laugh - it is different every time I hear it. Her phone calls last for hours and hours, a fact she can never believe, and are always about absolute nonsense. She cares about school and always tries her best, yet can complain about the system with the best of them. She secretly has an obsession a war strategy computer game, and may just be a an 'antisocial' in disguise. She can laugh at herself and act very silly in public, but still cares about how everyone sees her. She worries all the time and says she is not very smart when I know she is. She is laughably indecisive and always asks "What do you want to do?" She is normal, and she is strange. She is kind and caring. Most of all, she is my favorite person, my very best friend.

All of this describes Jessica Yu, my best friend, and yet all of this can describe me too. We could not tell you the day we met, or how we became friends, or even our best memory together. But we have, in our five (or six, or maybe seven) years of friendship become individual, unique people who just happen to be almost exactly the same. She is a part of who I am, as you can see, and I would not be nearly as wonderful as a person as I am today without her. She inspires me in the strangest of ways. She keeps me modest, yet assures me I am much better at everything than I think I am. She keeps my feet on the ground when I wander in the clouds, and she allows me to unleash my insanity that would frighten away the general public. And this isn't a one sided friendship, I think I do the same for her. We are symbiotic, in the silliest sense of the word.

How does she do all this? How is Jessica able to inspire me so? I am really not quite sure. It could be how we call each other when we have nothing to say, and end up talking about everything under the sun. Perhaps how she sat through eighties movie after eighties movie with me, after she told me she did not like Ferris Bueller's Day Off and I had to find her an eighties movie she did like. (We didn't.) Maybe it has to do with how we can share anything with each other - but don't need to share everything to know what the other is thinking. How she knows when we should talk about something out and out, and when to joke about pink squirrels conquering the world. Is it sitting up in the dark, venting about parents and aunts? Or reminding me a 94 is still a perfectly respectable grade, that the one question I made a stupid mistake on is not the end of the word? Each one seems as plausible as the next, each quality as important to me as the last. Although, it is entirely possible how we effortlessly communicate is not my inspiration.

There is also the side of Jessica that is completely opposite of me, that might just be what how she inspires me. In her actions she pushes me to be a better student, a better person, and a better friend. Her hours of relentless studying and her neatly organized notes astonish my sporadic studying tendencies, pushing me to attempt to climb partway to her level. During tennis season, she takes me to the courts around the corner to practice with her, generally my only true exercise for a month. When she completed applications for two colleges before I started a single essay, I sat down with my pen and notebook and started writing while she cheered me on. Complaining is a strong suit of ours, yet where she vents on a topic for a few sentences and is done, I can comb over paragraphs and paragraphs. From her, I learn to let the uncontrollable go and just be nicer to the people around me.

Is just one of those the specific gem that is my inspiration? No, I just don't think I could pinpoint it to just one thing. I think it is the sum of these things, and something else completely indescribable. On their own, each of these qualities, or actions, or element of silliness is just a memory. It's just a piece of Jessica I can happen to recall. What inspires me is the nature of our relationship itself, the perfect way we fit together. We are exactly the same, yet utterly opposite. We can babble about the silliest of topics, not knowing what the other is talking about. And we can sit in soft silence and know exactly what the other needs to hear. The smiles that break across our faces when we see each other at long last, the laughs at jokes to come before we have even said a word. That intangible is my inspiration, how we feed off one another.

When I asked my best friend about this essay, she said, "How can you write an essay about me? You are the inspirational one!" Jessica Yu is a girl who is unbelievably sweet. I am her best friend, and she is mine. We are symbiotic, in the silliest sense of the word.

The repetition might be coming on a bit strong right there, but I'm not quite sure what the right way to end it is.

The second is a topic of my own choice, and was sort of a stress reliever during this whole process that developed into an essay I really like.

I live an aimless sort of life. It is not impressive, or extraordinary, or anything close to a proper topic for this essay, but it is true. And there is something undeniable about that.

I flit from thought to thought, from action to action. I don't keep an agenda notebook for assignments and important dates. I eat raw cabbage that never fails to make me sick. I start term papers at six, or nine, or midnight the day before they are due. I watch television I love when I have other things to do; I watch television I don't like when I have other things to do. My laundry is only done every two months, when I have absolutely run out of clean clothing. I never carry around enough cash. I order too much food at restaurants, always filling up on appetizers. I laugh at jokes five minutes too late.

The future, my future, is something I cannot bring myself to imagine. I don't seem to have any particular ambitions for anything more than what I am right now. I am rather certain I prioritize my life wrong. I obsess over simple things, without their futility until it is too late. I can be content lying idly staring into space. Studying is something I have not learned how to do properly - I just re-read the entire chapter, or unit, or novel the night before the test. I have never aspired to be a leader; with my contented attitude I don't think anything would ever be achieved by a group I led. And finally, I have no idea, not even an inkling, of what I want to be when I grow up. I barely believe that I will ever grow up. These are not things I have been told colleges want.

I like the way I am; I like the way I function, even if it is dysfunctional. I am happy with being aimless for now. I don't think anyone else should define who I should be.

The problem is, I want to go to college more than I have wanted almost anything in my life; I want to be the student that colleges want. Writing these essays, I didn't know what to do. I was caught between who I really am and who I wanted to show colleges. I desperately analyzed my activities for a common theme and cursed my antisocial self for not being in at least three more clubs. I tried to craft a personality that fit with what I did, a person that did not exist but could be me. I thought of suitable vignettes that might start an essay, weaving real character traits of mine like enthusiasm and love of learning with more impressive imaginary ones like charismatic leadership and bold initiative. I figured I am a good writer, and that is all these essays are looking for - my writing skills.

I spread out the outlines on the floor, and opened a new notebook, ready to fashion the perfect essay. But as I put my pen to paper, the few words I managed to pull out felt stiff and awkward. The whole plan felt wrong and irrational. I don't want to be accepted on a lie. I found that I care, really, about everything I do and say; I care about things that are a reflection of me. That is why this essay is about brutal honesty.

I realize I probably would not the first person, nor the last, to make up a story for a college acceptance essay; how would you know? It may seem pretentious and absurd, but I could not force the words. This is what I want to do, and this is the essay I want to present.

I am a collection of faults, and everyone else has to choose whether to accept me this way. I am who I am, and that is the way I like it.

I want to expand on a few points, but it already feels a bit long, and I probably shouldn't waste my time if I am the only one who likes it.
amaryrose   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Activity Essay for Common App - Volunteering in Ecuador [5]

The only sentence I think could use some work is the second to last.

"Conversing with the children in broken English made me realize how happy they were to be out of the streets and I understood how important and necessary service work is, not only in my community, but also in foreign lands."

Compared to the rest of your sentences, it is a lot longer and has a lot of ideas vying for attention. I think it might work out well if you pull out how happy the kids were and put it in its own sentence. Something like:

"Conversing with the children in broken English made me realize how important and necessary service work is, not only in my community, but also in foreign lands. Sentence about kids happy to just be off the streets, taken for granted at home."

Hope that's helpful!
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