Please read and criticize, I need the criticism and welcome it. This is my CommonApp Essay on the topic of my choice
Helping a Student Friend
The hallways were deserted except for a custodian sweeping up the day's litter. Outside, the cries of birds and athletes mingled to produce a pleasant drone. In the empty classroom, the only sound was that of my voice explaining the intricacies of the SAT math section. My assignment, however, was not obligatory, and my student was not an anonymous person. He was my classmate, and soon to be, best friend, Gustavo.
When Goose and I were juniors, we had a discussion about the SAT Reasoning Test. When he told me his score, I was shocked. Goose immigrated from Colombia when he was seven, and like me, had to learn English as a second language. Despite these challenges, he puts full effort into everything he does, never takes the easy way out, and cares about his academics more than anyone I know. He deserved a better score.
Like Gustavo, I know the pain of adjusting to a new environment. When I was nine, my mother and I were walking back home when we passed a barber shop when suddenly, a teenager on a bike rushed past us and yelled "Go back to China!" Immediately, another teenager dashed of the barber shop and apologized profusely for the first teen's behavior. He didn't have to help. He wouldn't have benefited in the slightest. He came simply because he wanted to. That single incident made me realize that sometimes, no reason other than a willingness to help is all that is needed to change someone's situation for the better. As I reflected on the teenager who defended my mother and I, I felt a strong urge to return some of the appreciation I felt. The SAT, I decided, was a challenge Gustavo did not have to face alone.
Gustavo and I started meeting after school once or twice a week to prepare for the SAT. While my sole intention was to improve his scores, a side-effect of these meetings was that we quickly became great friends. I loved teaching him, and I could tell he appreciated my unconditional support. In the process of helping him, I learned how similar we are. We are both proficient at ball sports, he at golf and I at tennis. We both love nature and the outdoors. We have a similar sense of humor. The more we practiced for the SAT, the closer we became. Once, he loaned me his jacket while I was waiting for the city bus because I was shivering. I knew then that I had a true friend.
After we finished our review, we walked to the student parking lot, a familiar routine. The air was damp and cool, a marked contrast to the warm, drowsy air of the classroom. The cool breeze reminded me that Autumn was approaching. Gustavo drove us to Springdale Pizza, where we each had three delicious slices of warm, juicy pizza. As we went our separate ways, I walked home, tired but fulfilled. As October 10th, our final chance at the SAT, rapidly approached, I knew I had done something more than improve Gustavo's SAT score. I had helped someone in need of help, and, in the process, forged a lifelong friendship.
Others have told me that the third paragraph is random and contradicts with the main essay in that it deals with discrimination. What do you guys think about this? (And the other things as well, of course!)
Thanks for your time!I like the third paragraph, even though it does deviate from your point it is not entirely irrelevant. You could highlight how the two of you were NOT friends before the studying, so the main motivation for helping him out was that you sympathized with feeling out of place. That way, the paragraph feels more necessary.
"He didn't have to help." This took me a moment to understand this; I think it was just the combination of the pronoun and me not getting what the help was referring to. It may just be me, so this edit is up to you, but maybe you could change it to "He didn't have to say anything."
"Once, he loaned me his jacket while I was waiting for the city bus because I was shivering. I knew then that I had a true friend." - I know you want to lend some credence to becoming best buddies, but this sentence doesn't quite do this justice. In real life, I can see this being a nice moment, but on paper the sentence is a little blah. You could jazz it up by describing it more narratively, like "Once, shivering at the bus stop together, Gustav loaned me his jacket" (but make it personal, however it actually happened.)
The beginning is nice, except for the fact that when you say 'empty classroom' I think you are alone in the room; I know its like the very next phrase that introduces Gustav but I think it might be helpful to indicate the classroom is empty 'but for two students' or something. It may just be me.
And the end is weirdly repetitive with 'helpful' and 'help.' But right now I'm at a loss for what to replace one of them with.
It's very sweet. I like it.
Thanks for your suggestions! I do need to describe the extent of our friendship more and correct the things you wrote.
Yes, it seems like a paragraph on how I met Gustavo would be helpful to illustrate the "before-after" effect of this essay. I'll integrate that into my second paragraph. Thanks especially for the suggestions about the third paragraph, because I'd been stuck on what to do with it for quite a while now.
