Posts by Jfils

Jfils

Nov 26, 2009

Undergraduate / One with Martial arts (FGCU-Activity that has been meaningful to you) [5]

Thank you, any comments are appreciated. I do agree with possibly going more in depth.

Jfils

Nov 25, 2009

Undergraduate / One with Martial arts (FGCU-Activity that has been meaningful to you) [5]

Anyone? Please?

Jfils

Nov 24, 2009

Undergraduate / "Coming to America" (How has your family influenced who you are) [5]

Thank you, here is a new version.

READ ABOVE

Any more help?

Jfils

Nov 24, 2009

Undergraduate / One with Martial arts (FGCU-Activity that has been meaningful to you) [5]

Prompt:
Describe an activity, interest, experience, or achievement in your life (this could be a book, movie, or an activity or experience at work, home, or school) that has been particularly meaningful to you.

Alone in the darkness behind my eyelids, I hear silence. I hear nothing but the wings of the butterflies in my stomach, frantic and restless. I am anything but alone, surrounded by many sensei with judgment in their eyes. I feel each stare, which feels ice cold and freezes me for a moment. I break free, and use that initial energy to explode into my Kata. I am wearing my heavyweight Gi uniform but am seemingly weightless, as I move swiftly, and punch through the air as if it were solid. Before I knew it, it was over; I had faced a huge fear and won my first trophy, at my first tournament. At this moment I felt a sense of empowerment I had not felt before; I knew Martial arts was something I loved.

Martial arts by definition are any traditional form of self-defense or combat that utilizes physical skill and coordination without weapons. A person who actually practices martial arts will tell you different. That definition is limited, and does not encompass a true portrayal of martial arts. I have been doing martial arts for 2 years. Martial arts teach confidence, discipline, and builds self reliance. I transfer what I have learned in Martial arts into my everyday life. Since I have been practicing martial arts I look at situations in a different manner, whether it's at home, with friends, or at school. Like when I have to complete presentations in front of my peers, and anxiety builds. I think back to that first tournament, which serves as a precedent to the amount of confidence I truly have. The patience I have gained allows me step back from a situation and analyze it, before I act. I put forth the discipline in my responsibilities, where I complete what needs to be done with diligence despite the lust for recreation.

Since I started martial arts, a part of me has appeared that since then I had not been able to grasp. I take what I learn with me wherever I go. I don't see it as my life revolving around Martial arts, yet as Martial arts becoming one with my life.

Any criticism and revisions are greatly appreciated!

Jfils

Nov 24, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Davis prompt 1: Mathematics in Every Step [2]

My intended major is Mathematics. For a very long time, I couldn't decide what field I should choose to work in. My interest in this subject began only a while ago. It was after I took Calculus II; to see if my interest would increase, I decided to take Differentiable Equations.

I first encountered matrices in this class. I was always excited to solve them because for me it was like playing a game. The matrix reminded me of my favorite game Sudoku. In the game, Sudoku, I had to make sure each row, column, and box contains numbers from one to nine. Well, solving matrices was somewhat similar but not exact. In order to solve a matrix, I had to make the diagonal would consist of all ones and the lower and upper triangles to consist of all zeros. ~~Well,~~I t was a bit harder than just playing a game but I did not really mind. So, every single time I went to this class, I was always thrilled , waiting what else the teacher can show us that can be as exciting as matrices. After this class, I decided that I should take all the possible math classes available to us on our campus and that is exactly what I did. I am fond of math because a simple unsolved equation invites me to crack it. Finding new solutions to problems only strengthens my interest in mathematics.

I cannot really say that I never had any experience with mathematics because math is every day in our lives. I use it when planting, cooking, playing music, games and counting money. Also, I had some experience teaching mathematics to my little disabled sister. She has a hard time remembering so it was kind of difficult to teach her. We usually played a game called Monopoly, and I always forced her count all the money. After some time, she was able to add and subtract. I liked looking at her when she got the right answer because her face always shone with excitement and happiness. I could not believe it that helping her understand mathematics would make her very happy. Therefore, I want to help people learn and understand math. Because no matter whom this person is, there is always an approach of how one can gain knowledge of mathematics.Reword? Consequently, I want to peruse this major because I feel that I am doing something good.

Try to use better sentence structure, because some parts are difficult to read. You also introduce many new ideas in your conclusion.

Jfils

Nov 24, 2009

Undergraduate / First day of kindergarten (personal statement) [3]

I think you stray away from your thesis. While reading your thesis seemed to slip my mind, because the focus of he essay is a bit off. I think you should speak more about your family and describe how much they want you to go to a University, to support your thesis.

Jfils

Nov 21, 2009

Undergraduate / FGCU Essay Rough Draft (Characteristics/qualities you posses..) [3]

Prompt
What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the university community?

The college environment is one of the most diverse communities there are. The students are like snowflakes in the sense that no two are identical. As I enter my freshman year, even though I would be one of those snowflakes, I am certain to find common ground with others regardless of their crystalline structures. I am a very open-minded individual. I am one to start a conversation with someone of a completely different culture, join the newest club on campus, and get involved. I am very appreciative towards the opportunities given to me, and am ready to embrace the college experience.

I was born in the 3rd world country of Haiti, and came to America at a young age, the diversity and opportunities astounded me. I jumped into the melting pot head first and quickly began to blend in with the community. My family's history has taught me to value opportunities given to me, to work hard for success, and look at the world in an open minded fashion. Though focused on my schoolwork, I am not someone to just attend class and leave with no sense of connection to the community. I enjoy getting involved and look forward to the many opportunities at Florida Gulf Coast University.

Help with revision, and suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reviewing my essay.

Jfils

Nov 20, 2009

Undergraduate / UC#2 personal quality <confidence and interaction> [3]

I have been an excellent public speaker since I was in elementary school. I was awarded many prizes for speech contests, and I presented at school festivals, talent shows, and student events in my community. I am good at writing a script and quite comfortable to be in front of people. It builds my confidence, and I have become a leader throughout elementary and middle school.

In my opinion, reading the prompt, I think you should specify a certain accomplishment you are going to speak about in the introduction. You have more of an array of things you have done.

In high school, I was the president of the Korean Traditional Instrument Team. My sophomore class planned to go on a school trip to Japan. I knew there was a sister school in Japan, so I suggested to my school that my team could perform Korean music for Japanese students at their school. Fortunately, the school approved my idea.It was my project, so my responsibility was huge.*I think this could be worded better* I encountered many unexpected hardships. Some members felt stressed about the performance, so they complained to the other crew and had an argument with them. Then, the air of meetings became heavy and music got messier than the music for fun*Should reword, grammar is confusing.*.--It embarrassed me! I noticed that leading people is different from reading scripts. A leader had to be not only being in front of the members but also with them. Thus, for me, uniting members was a priority in order to perform harmonious music. I tried to make the practice meetings as comfortable as possible. I also sat beside and encouraged the members who had a hard time. Then, we started to enjoy playing the harmonious music as well as the companionship of the crew. Our performance in Japan was really successful! Japanese students were impressed by the performance and the unique instruments.

Through this project, I realized the importance of interaction in being a good leader. Therefore, I joined the American Red Cross in my first year of college to learn how to interact with people well. I participated in many volunteer opportunities and events. Through these experiences, I got to know many neighbors closely and understood their various situations and hardships. Volunteer opportunities gave me a wonderful lesson that caring and helping people with a warm heart is the key for a leader. Luckily, in my second year, I became a vice president in the club. I introduced my club in public at the inter-council meeting, identified and organized the volunteer opportunities, and encouraged the members to enjoy these opportunities as much as I did. As a result of my contribution, I saw the club growing bigger and better. Thanks to this experience, now I am happy to see the real leadership in me with my confidence as well as affective interaction with others.

You shouldn't use exclamation marks in formal writting.
Last paragraph introduces different topics like other volunteering you have done and doesn't fully explain, try to remain more focused on your topic.

Overall, I like the story I just think you should stay focused throughout the essay.

I'd apreciate it if you took a look at my essay also :)

Cheers.

Jfils

Nov 19, 2009

Undergraduate / "Coming to America" (How has your family influenced who you are) [5]

How has your family history, culture, or environment influenced who you are?

No matter where you go, you must never forget where you came from, and the obstacles you have crossed. The struggles my family have gone through has taught me to appreciate everything I have and the vast amount of opportunities presented to me.

My family roots trace back to the 3rd world country of Haiti, where I was born. I was born into a poor family in the city of Port-au-Prince. Even though we were never wealthy, my grandmother always wanted better for us. My mother was a single mother trying to raise three children in a state of overwhelming poverty. Despite the staggering obstacle which wouldn't fail to stop most in their tracks, my grandmother was determined to give us a better life. Through hard work my grandmother was able to obtain a ticket to the 'promise land', America, which seemed like a different world to the people of Haiti. My grandmother promised my mother that she would stop at nothing to ensure us a better life; that being said she embarked on her mission. While in America she was able to hold down a job and saved her money wisely. After many years she was able to buy tickets for my mother, brother, sister, and I to begin our new life in America. I feel there is nothing I can do to repay her but to show that I understand what she had to go through, and making the best of what has been given to me.

I would hate to think of where I would be if it wasn't for the resilience and bravery of my grandmother. At a young age I was brought to America, escaping a future that would otherwise be filled with hardship. I appreciate this every day of my life. This has contributed to everything I am today. Thinking of the sacrifices made to ensure me a good life motivates me beyond anything else. It fuels me to try hard in everything I do, and appreciate the opportunities given to me in this country, while remaining humble. I know my family wants me to succeed, though my mother or grandmother have never gotten a college degree they continue to support me.

I want to make my family proud, and achieve the success my family worked so hard to give me the possibility of having. I will never forget where I came from; my past is what motivates me towards a great future.

Would appreciate any feedback and any revisions. Thank you for reading my essay.