Posts by Deva17

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Essay -- High School Policy Debate [2]

While I was a kid don't say "kid"! not in your college app essay! say child. it's way less casual.

from the playground to China. can you put "school playground" instead? playground to china is cliche and not "collegiate" enough. and you have to clarify.

my partner and I had exhausted the competition. Awkwardly structured; how do you exhaust a competition?? you can be exhausted from a competition. or frustrated with it.

I would not change my high school debate experience a little awkward. add like "a thing about my hs debate experience"

This is a great essay with impressive structure and writing skills.

Good luck!

p.s: Shebby, you can get suspended for futile or meaningless answers that you only post in order to get someone to reply to your thread. Please don't do that. Thanks, EF_Team.

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: Writing (desire to write) [11]

Chelsea,

Wow you really improved it! :D

I'll try to help you with the * paragraph:

Because of his positive reaction this sounds a little awkward...rephrase?

and the fact that I can combine my desire to help people and my love for writing makes this even better. This is a little wordy. "the fact" makes it sound awkward as well. You may want to completely restructure this sentence. Try to clarify.

For this reason and because writing has given me more patience and made me pay closer attention to details, I have a burning desire to write and will continue to do it for as long as I am able Whoa, run-on! ;) Separate it into two sentences.

I think this has completely answered the question of how your writing talent relates to you as a person.

Oh and a few other things:

and share the lives of the characters I have created a little awkward. what about something like, "and to share my characters with the world" or "with others".

This is what keeps me awake at night. This last sentence sounds a little forced. Try to come up with something natural. I would suggest something like what I suggested last time, like "I have a burning desire to write, and I revel in seeing the words flow upon the paper." or, "i have a burning desire to write until every word has been written" or something. you know? :)

good luck! i'm still here if you have any more questions.

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken" -UC Prompt 2 [9]

yeah but how is that related to the assignment???: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I mean it's all great for everyone to value their parents, but I don't get how that's related to anything. See, the problem is that this would be an excellent essay if your mom or dad wrote it and they were talking about how they changed their kid and how they're proud of how they're kid is a better person now. But you're not either of your parents. :/

You should keep this essay but take out a lot of the stuff about your parents and have only like a paragraph or two about what actually happened. The rest of it should be about how you developed into an intelligent person. As i said before, give an example of how it has changed you, like, "once this new girl at my school who everyone thought was cool offered me a drug, but after my prior experience with the boy, i knew that i should do the right thing and not accept the drugs." or something like that (but it has to be an actual experience, of course).

And then conclude it saying that you are proud of how this experience has changed you into a more rational being

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / the Key Club Office - Common App Activities Essay [2]

This is fine except for two parts:

- a bunch of high school students can be superheroes in their own right. This is a little casual, change the word "bunch" and if you can do something with can be superheroes in their own right. It just sounds awkward.

- It is through this club that my fellow Key Club officers became some of my best friends and the cliché phrase "kindness is the best gift" had true meaning for me. This is a run-on. You can either put "that" in between "and" and "the cliche" or you can end the sentence at best friends and then talk about the cliche phrase.

The rest is great.

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken" -UC Prompt 2 [9]

Every time I saw him my hands would start sweating, my heart starts thumping.

Put "my heart would start thumping". Parallelism error.
This experience did not necessarily make me proud but the things that I got out of it did.
Don't put this! Put, "what I got out of this experience has made me proud." you don't want the admissions person to think that you didn't answer the question and wrote an off topic essay!

I don't want to be harsh but if you don't want to be denied to the UCs you can't include this. I don't care what anyone's opinion is, any human being can listen. This doesn't set you apart at all from the flock. They'll deny you just for this. Also, you said "that every students should have". Should be student. But anyway, take out all of this. Again, I hate to be harsh, but talking about hearing versus listening is ridiculous. We can all hear and we can all listen.

INSTEAD, talk about how this experience has made you someone who can think rationally, and give an example of how you have applied what you learned from this experience to your life and how you are now a changed person. NOT someone who can "listen."

Sorry for possibly sounding offensive. It's just...I don't want you to get denied just because of this essay.

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: Writing (desire to write) [11]

I'm shocked at all the negative remarks. I think this essay is awesome in a lot of ways. Maybe it's because I have a bias towards fellow aspiring writers, but I think I could really see your passion for writing in this essay. Here's a few suggestions though:

as much pleasure reading what I write as I do when I write it. The "what I write" and the "when I write it" together are redundant.

As for your question with the **, it does somewhat answer the question, but you only answer it there. Remember that the purpose of the essay is to answer that question! You have to include it throughout your essay and not in just one spot. I notice that in that same paragraph you try to answer all the questions and in the other paragraphs you talk about how much you like to write. I hate to be harsh but that's a big no no.

For your last line, put something like "I have a burning desire to write." instead. You're right, it does sound awkward.
Just a thought: If you're going to apply to a UC in some writing department as I'm pretty sure you are, you have to have a really good essay because writing an essay entails writing! So good luck and try to revise your essay as much as possible.

p.s as a side note: good luck on becoming a writer. I like to write and I'll do it as a side job, but I want to be a lawyer.

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken" -UC Prompt 2 [9]

This is a fine essay but you have a lot about your parents and you have to tie this back to the topic.

Remember the rest of the question: What about this accomplishment makes you proud? So far what you've written makes it sound like something you're NOT proud of. You have to show that it's not only an important situation but also an experience that you can be proud of --- somehow.

Use the rest of the essay to show this and also how it relates to the person you are. Take out some of the stuff about your parents because it's kind of irrelevant when you think about the purpose of the essay.

It was one of those "butterflies in my stomach, hands starts sweating and heart starts beating fast and hard" feeling every time I see him. About this, the phrase in quotations is hard to understand and you don't want to confuse the admissions counselor. Reword it more concisely.

Also make this essay something that shows the admissions counselor that you're prepared for college and the challenges that it entails. Writing only about how your parents brought you back to your senses does not show this at all. Again, remember the purpose of the essay -- and the assignment.

Good luck! What you have so far is awesome, it just needs to be changed around a little and added to, and so on.

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "every word of the Pokémon theme song" - my first admissions essay! prompt #1 [5]

I have to say that the major flaw in this essay is that you write about Pokemon for a large amount of time and then suddenly start talking about becoming a surgical pathologist. While this is ok you have to relate it better. You may consider taking out the song at the beginning (as much as I love that song) and replace it with a little part in the essay saying something about how you and your brother would always recite the Pokemon theme song. It's just that the admissions officer may think less of your essay because it has a relatively childish song in the beginning. Just a thought.

Good job though!

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Prompt 1 (family) and Prompt 2 (a quality) of UCLA Personal Statements [3]

BUMP! come on, please! if you revise mine I'll revise yours! I promise! Deal? The deadline's tomorrow, have compassion for me please!

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

This is a good essay but it is a little casual at a few points. See, for example:

I happen to like a girl who likes me back. Why not give it a shot! I see that you put it in quotations, but it still would be better if you rephrased it a little more formally.

Overall it's a good essay that really follows the topic. I like how you have a unique form of answer; most people would not pick the topic of dating. Good job on actually making it a workable and even great essay. I think g.washington univ. would definitely accept this.

Deva17

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Prompt 1 (family) and Prompt 2 (a quality) of UCLA Personal Statements [3]

Please give me constructive advice, criticism and corrections. Thank you all so much in advance. I have trouble with these college app essays event though I usually have no trouble with essays and got a 12 on the SAT essay. I just don't like to talk about myself so much. :/

Anyway any help would be greatly appreciated!

Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from -- for example, your family, community or school -- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My unique family is the foundation of my dreams and goals. From my industrious older brother, to my pragmatic mother to my genial father, my family is my world because they have inspired me to be the person I am today. Indeed, they have even inspired me to work hard to pursue my passion for law.

My mother has been my role model since childhood. A composed, sensible woman, she knows when to praise me and when to chastise me. Her sense of justice has been a guiding light to me. We often discuss government and world politics together. Her ostensible rationality and justice have encouraged me to be a lawyer who is also objective and fair.

I have been told that when I was born and saw my father for the first time he had a grin on his face, and I grinned back immediately. This mutual affection has been he story of the relationship between my father and me throughout my life. He is not only amicable but also very humane. He donates to charities and helps feed the homeless every Christmas. It is this munificence that inspired me to volunteer at a soup kitchen and help put on events for homeless children this past year. My father's optimism has also encouraged me to dream of becoming a humane and conciliatory lawyer.

My older brother has been a constant inspiration to me. He is now in university studying pre-law. He was the top in his class in high school; I've worked hard to emulate him and now can proudly say that I also possess this title. When we were younger, my brother and I would imitate famous court cases and then discuss them. He encouraged me to follow my passion in law. Every day, he inspires me to study hard to reach this goal.

You can see that my family has motivated and shaped my dreams and goals. They are a necessary part of who I am and what my passion is; for this reason, my family is my world.

Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

If one were to ask any member of my family or any of my friends the same question they would all give the same exact answer. What is the quality that defines my inherent nature? It is my competitiveness, a personal quality am immensely proud of. Since kindergarten, I have always been the overachiever, the one who takes pride in out-doing others. This is ostensible in all aspects of my life and has made me who I am: a passionate and extremely productive person.

This is certainly apparent academically. I am not the archetypal mediocre student; I often flinch at the thought of a B grade tarnishing my perfect record. Unlike many, I enjoy almost all subjects and study hard for each test. I have kept the title of first in the class throughout each of my years in high school. I want to study law, and my academic competitiveness has made me an industrious person who can arduously study her passion.

My competitive spirit is apparent on the practical side of school as well. When I was a player on our school's varsity volleyball team, our school was undefeated in the league for the first time. An executive member of Student Council, I make sure to flourish in every event I am in charge of. When I ran the Can Drive last year, our school collected more cans than in any other year. As a young child in kindergarten, I would strive to build the tallest, most innovative tower of blocks during playtime. When I took art class for a year and there was a school-wide competition, I created the winning painting because I knew I had to win.

My competitiveness makes me proud because it sets me apart from others. I can produce high quality work quickly. My teachers have come to rely on me for not only overdoing my assignments to a college-level quality but also for finishing them far ahead of time. Moreover, being competitive means that I can be the best at whatever I am doing. This is something that will take me far in life.

My competitiveness is a quality I am proud to bear. It has made me who I am: a confident, well-rounded individual ready to take on life and follow her passion for law. From receiving As to building the most creative tower of blocks, I am certainly not one who likes to lose. I will keep this quality with me throughout my life, and it will continue to better me as a person and inspire my productive character.