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Prompt 1 (family) and Prompt 2 (a quality) of UCLA Personal Statements

Deva17 1 / 10  
Nov 29, 2009   #1
Please give me constructive advice, criticism and corrections. Thank you all so much in advance. I have trouble with these college app essays event though I usually have no trouble with essays and got a 12 on the SAT essay. I just don't like to talk about myself so much. :/

Anyway any help would be greatly appreciated!

Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from -- for example, your family, community or school -- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My unique family is the foundation of my dreams and goals. From my industrious older brother, to my pragmatic mother to my genial father, my family is my world because they have inspired me to be the person I am today. Indeed, they have even inspired me to work hard to pursue my passion for law.

My mother has been my role model since childhood. A composed, sensible woman, she knows when to praise me and when to chastise me. Her sense of justice has been a guiding light to me. We often discuss government and world politics together. Her ostensible rationality and justice have encouraged me to be a lawyer who is also objective and fair.

I have been told that when I was born and saw my father for the first time he had a grin on his face, and I grinned back immediately. This mutual affection has been he story of the relationship between my father and me throughout my life. He is not only amicable but also very humane. He donates to charities and helps feed the homeless every Christmas. It is this munificence that inspired me to volunteer at a soup kitchen and help put on events for homeless children this past year. My father's optimism has also encouraged me to dream of becoming a humane and conciliatory lawyer.

My older brother has been a constant inspiration to me. He is now in university studying pre-law. He was the top in his class in high school; I've worked hard to emulate him and now can proudly say that I also possess this title. When we were younger, my brother and I would imitate famous court cases and then discuss them. He encouraged me to follow my passion in law. Every day, he inspires me to study hard to reach this goal.

You can see that my family has motivated and shaped my dreams and goals. They are a necessary part of who I am and what my passion is; for this reason, my family is my world.

Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

If one were to ask any member of my family or any of my friends the same question they would all give the same exact answer. What is the quality that defines my inherent nature? It is my competitiveness, a personal quality am immensely proud of. Since kindergarten, I have always been the overachiever, the one who takes pride in out-doing others. This is ostensible in all aspects of my life and has made me who I am: a passionate and extremely productive person.

This is certainly apparent academically. I am not the archetypal mediocre student; I often flinch at the thought of a B grade tarnishing my perfect record. Unlike many, I enjoy almost all subjects and study hard for each test. I have kept the title of first in the class throughout each of my years in high school. I want to study law, and my academic competitiveness has made me an industrious person who can arduously study her passion.

My competitive spirit is apparent on the practical side of school as well. When I was a player on our school's varsity volleyball team, our school was undefeated in the league for the first time. An executive member of Student Council, I make sure to flourish in every event I am in charge of. When I ran the Can Drive last year, our school collected more cans than in any other year. As a young child in kindergarten, I would strive to build the tallest, most innovative tower of blocks during playtime. When I took art class for a year and there was a school-wide competition, I created the winning painting because I knew I had to win.

My competitiveness makes me proud because it sets me apart from others. I can produce high quality work quickly. My teachers have come to rely on me for not only overdoing my assignments to a college-level quality but also for finishing them far ahead of time. Moreover, being competitive means that I can be the best at whatever I am doing. This is something that will take me far in life.

My competitiveness is a quality I am proud to bear. It has made me who I am: a confident, well-rounded individual ready to take on life and follow her passion for law. From receiving As to building the most creative tower of blocks, I am certainly not one who likes to lose. I will keep this quality with me throughout my life, and it will continue to better me as a person and inspire my productive character.
OP Deva17 1 / 10  
Nov 29, 2009   #2
BUMP! come on, please! if you revise mine I'll revise yours! I promise! Deal? The deadline's tomorrow, have compassion for me please!
bloopyxd 1 / 5  
Nov 29, 2009   #3
Prompt 1:
He is now in a university, studying pre-law.

I liked it! but I think you should add more in your conclusion. Close it nicely.

Prompt 2:
a personal quality I am immensely proud of.

I am certainly not one who likes to lose. << it sounds a bit awkward for me...idk..

revise mine? please D:

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