Poetry / "On 'Virtue'" - a poem writing assignment for my Lit class [8]

The assertion was that "[the protesters] are united but with...&c", but I agree that I sacrificed some meaning for the sake of making the poem rhyme. Yet, if I don't try to make a poem rhyme from the onset, it just doesn't "feel" like a proper poem to me. I'll need to find some other method of organization for the lines, or my poetry will turn into bite-sized prose.

Poetry / "On 'Virtue'" - a poem writing assignment for my Lit class [8]

Well, the one to whom the speaker responds (his/her words are indicated by the quotations) believes the implied protesters to be virtuous and unified in principle. However, the speaker points out that their "fervor" might stem from mere conformity ("I'm protesting just because everyone else is"). When I titled it "On 'Virtue' ", I suppose I meant for "Virtue" to be interpreted ironically, in that it is precisely what the vast majority of the protesters lack.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay reading and writing is important today than in the past [7]

To my view, (The perspective of your essay is implied.) R eading and writing ability are very essential right away (Clarify what you mean by "right away" [from birth? from entrance into the educational system?]) . They support communication around the world regarding business, education and online chat. By using computer-based technologies technology , people can simply and quickly come into contact with others who live in a remote place.

Imagine a scenario in which employees who work in different companies can contact with one another. There are two companies that deal in the same type of business. Both All employees of the two companies have to cooperate with one another to produce a desired result. By using computers which that have email and online letters, the employees find it very easy to exchange information promptly. Therefore, the predicted outcome (which one?) is achieved.

In the second place scenario , a school is able to allow its students to provide its students with self-learning education . This always happens around the world, especially in America. Students living in Alaska do not have to go to a campus which is located in N ew York because they do not have to come to collect materials and books, and take an exam. By using a computer, they can do these activities from the computer screen. The school has the responsibility to send materials via online to the students so that they are able to learn on their own. Moreover, they can take and submit the online exam to the school immediately.

Finally, people around the world can have a conversation with one who lives very far away . I live in Singapore and bump up against communicate with two friends who stay in China though online. This is the best opportunity to get in touch with the friends whom I have never seen in person.

To sum up, I t is impossible for people who live in the fast-growing world to fall in with strangers without computers (what does this mean?) . Many arenas such as business, education and online chat among people need the computers to read and write to people who live around the global (convoluted sentence) .

Not a very strong essay, to be honest. Consider re-organizing your thoughts and scenarios, and make sure that you fully understand your prompt.

Writing Feedback / The theme of a short story called "A Worn Path" by Eudora Welty [7]

Up until June 25th, 1941, when Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Executive Order 8802, which prohibited racial segregation...This is a sentence fragment. You're saying "Up until this happened.", when you should be saying "Up until this happened, the state of the discussed situation was x." . Since then, we (who? society? African-Americans?) have made an enormous amount of progress in becoming liberated (liberated from what?) . In the short story by Eudora Welty, "A Worn Path", we (again, clarify; in such context it is better to use "the reader") go with Phoenix Jackson on a quest to obtain medicine for her sick grandson. The path to town is a route she has taken many times. Throughout the story we observe the racism African-Americans endured during the Civil Rights movement, and the duties and responsibilities of an elderly woman.

Although the 1940's were the turning point for the Civil Rights Movement, African-Americans were still scrutinized by whites routinely. During Phoenix's trip to get medicine, she gets knocked into a ditch by a dog, and can't get out by herself. Eventually a white hunter sees her and helps her. Although the man helps her, he immediately makes it clear that he has subjective (biased, prejudiced, or racist might be better terms) thoughts towards African-Americans. The hunter asks Jackson where she is headed too, and she tells him that she's going to town. He retorts by saying "That's too far," and "I know you old colored people! Wouldn't miss going to town to see Santa Claus!". In a second display of showing disrespect towards African-Americans, the hunter hoists his gun right in old Phoenix's face. "Doesn't the gun scare you?", he says. When she shows no fear towards the man or his gun, he puts it back down and says "you must be a hundred years old, and scared of nothing. I'd give you a dime if I had any money with me," not aware of the fact that she picked up a nickel that he dropped on the ground, showing that he was lying to her face. In their parting words, he tells her to take his advice and stay home, so that nothing happens to her.

Not a bad essay by any means, but certainly a work in progress. I suggest analyzing the characters more thoroughly and exploring the rhetorical/stylistic choices Welty makes in the short story.

Undergraduate / Religion and ethical dilemma in Macaulay Honors Essay [5]

This is an intriguing account; you concisely and effectively communicate a transforming experience to the audience (your admissions officer). However, there are some diction-related choices that you can make to strengthen the reader's understanding of the realization's impact. I suggest that you develop further the concepts of "Constant Vigilance", the "eternal column", and to what effect you "[pick] a mixture of all [the world's many colors]". You discuss the differences in philosophy explored by you and your friend, you discuss the old man's epiphany-producing offer, and you discuss that which you reject: "Hinduism and other religions". Elaborate upon what you do believe; your personal philosophy does not seem to have been given the attention it deserves in the essay.

Undergraduate / Campus Diversity - Rutgers University Undergraduate Prompt [5]

Sure, I looked over your essay and offered some advice on what to change.

Undergraduate / "I am not talentless" - UC Application- Prompt 2 [3]

They say it's in my blood, that it' s genetic, something I was born with - in other words, a natural talent. For many years, I struggled with the opinion that I was untalented. Everyone else I knew had something special to be proud of: (a colon eliminates the redundancy of your dash usage, though there is nothing grammatically incorrect here) a good voice, natural athleticism, or genius brains. I had none of these qualities. Until high school, I truly believed that I was an untalented anomaly. - my talent was in being untalented. (you believed yourself to be untalented; to state that you had a talent for being untalented is paradoxical [did you mean for to it be so?].

When I entered high school, I continued to put in effort into my athletics, into my studies, and into other activities. (run-on)I continued to see the results of my efforts, but nothing seemed to "come naturally." Sophomore year, I was elected captain of my gymnastics team, yet still I did not recognize this clear sign; I believed I was elected just because I worked hard and was liked by my teammates. I was also elected vice-president of my local youth group, the National Conference of Synagogue Youth (NCSY). After waiting for the foot I had broken in gymnastics the year before to heal, I realized that I was at a crossroads: I could choose to attempt to continue in gymnastics, working hard to get back to the level I had been at, or I could retire from the sport, and use my newfound free time to try some new activities. I chose the latter.

I knew junior year would be challenging. At the same time, I realized that I had two years left in high school and there was still much I wanted to do. This influenced my decision to run for Executive for Jewish Life and Diversity on my school's student council, a position that I won. I was also elected to be the president of NCSY. Before the school year started, I attended a summer program called Jewish Overseas Leadership Training (JOLT). I began to realize that I may have a talent after all, and that I really did come by it naturally: leadership . My mother is the President of the board of directors at my elementary school, and has been on the board for 16 years. My father is the vice-president of our synagogue and an active member of the board of my high school since its inception. I believed that ALL families had similar situations. It was not until I became involved in my own leadership pursuits that I realized it takes talent to succeed as a leader. As a senior I ran again for student council, and again won; I am the co-president of my school's STAND (anti-genocide) chapter; I am repeating as president of NorCal NCSY, and am now serving as Vice President of Northern California on the West Coast regional board of NCSY, and as a member of the national board for NCSY.

I now understand that I am not talentless, although my talent may be less tangible than others (leadership is a very noticeable quality!) . I am proud of my accomplishments through leadership. I work hard to help make school a more enjoyable place for others; I plan and run events for NCSY, and I help educate my fellow students about issues surrounding genocide. My experiences in leadership have taught me many lessons that I will cherish for the rest of my life: how to work well in a group, maintain the sometimes tenuous ties between the administration and students, plan and run successful events, manage time effectively, and organize everything! I also know that leadership cannot fully be developed in four years, or in ten years, but is a continually developing skill, and that my talent in leadership only gives me an advantage, not all of the answers. It will take the same hard work and dedication I employed in my other pursuits to be a successful leader after high school. I plan to make the commitment required in order to succeed.

A solid essay indeed! When you mention that your parents are in leadership positions, emphasize the effort required to be a leader; while a natural propensity to lead is certainly part of the equation, talents require great effort to properly cultivate.

Undergraduate / Campus Diversity - Rutgers University Undergraduate Prompt [5]

Thanks Michal, I think I have about 800 more characters left, so discussing my passion for creative expression won't be a problem. I'll be sure to specify that the staffer brought his guitar at a non-Rutgers conference, haha.

Are you sure it's "has" and not "have" in the first sentence of the second paragraph, though? The verb "have shaped" is attributed to the subject, "Influences".

Undergraduate / Prompt # 1, Their Struggles [5]

No problem, feel free to offer any scathing criticism for my application :P

Undergraduate / Prompt # 1, Their Struggles [5]

Your submission:

America is a land of freedom and opportunity. My parents came ("had come" implies that they came here for reason x, but that circumstance y changed their plans) here for an opportunity for a better life. Before I was born, my family lived in China. My grandparents-- from both parents' sides-- fled to Vietnam as Communism took over. My parents were both born in Vietnam and their families struggled to make a living. When my parents were young they had to drop out of school to work and help out their families. As they reached the age I am at (you're not an age, you're at an age) today, Communism began to take over Vietnam. Both my parents fled to refugee camps: my dad to Malaysia and my mom to the Philippines. They soon left to go to America to get reunited with their families and finally meet for the first time many years later.

In America my parents were married and had four children: three boys and one daughter. I was the youngest of the four. In California, my parents were successful in finding jobs; my dad found a job at Apple Computer and my mom worked for LifeScan. They succeeded in finding a better life for my family.

As I grew up, my parents were both out at work during the daytime and ca me home later in the nighttime. It never occurred to me that they had done nothing else but work, until one day. Being curious , I wondered where they came from and how they had gotten here to the United States. One night as they came home from work, I decided to ask them about it. They told me all of their stories and I was amazed. I had no clue that they had gone through all of that trouble to get to America, until that moment . From then on, I began to cherish my life and place value in my education. I felt lucky to be where I was and that I owe my parents a great debt.

Even though my parents have been through a lot, they are not the stereotypical Chinese or Asian parents. They have never beaten me or ever worried about my education. All that really mattered to them was that I was to stay a good heart. To myself, I hold a lot of value in my education as well as my own being. The lives of my parents have shaped my dreams and aspirations to become successful in everything I do life.

Also, I suggest combining some sentences to eliminate choppiness.