Posts by mr

mr_turtle

Dec 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Political Conflict in Bangladesh-Macaulay Honors Admission Essay [3]

Bodies diffused through the clustered tin houses and pulled people out of their homes.

Who pulled the people out of their homes?

I was compelled with utter fear. My mother pulled me away from the windows and led me and my siblings to the kitchen ~~room~~ . Shutting the windows and blowing ~~off~~out the candles, she placed us in the closet,which had roaches and rats.

"Stay here and be quiet," the cautioning words escaped her mouth before she hugged us. The lock clicked in. I felt our cold bodies shake in the dark as I wept quietly.

Bodies lay still on the blasted road, covered in bloody shredded clothes, and camouflaged with the red and green flag of Bangladesh.

A jolt of ~~pulse~~joy radiated through my heart being together with my family once again.

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More descriptive than analytical and does little to show how that event has changed/affected you.

Other than that, compelling story. Best of luck trying to make the CUNY Portal work as it took me quite a while to get on.

mr_turtle

Dec 14, 2009

Writing Feedback / Toefl ; I agree that MONEY is the most important aspect of a job! [4]

They have to make money allowances necessary for the children.
They need to give allowance to their children.

To illustrate, Mr Joe, who has three sons and two daughters, has to work seriously to ~~draw~~ make money for educational expenses. He spends a lot of money buying pencils , pens , rubber*do you mean eraser? and schoolbags so that ~~their~~his children are ready for both teacher-centered and student-centered learning.

What's more is that people want to spend money ~~economically~~ to take a family to a tourist attraction on New Year Day.

Many people tend to save money each month so that they will have enough left to take their son and daughter to a beach, month and island.

You need to clear this up, I don't understand what you're trying to say.

More importantly, they want to do their own business as another source of money after the retirement. Today there are many firms run by a couple who retired from the present job. They think that if they open a business, they can earn money for a living. Moreover, their children obtain benefits from the business, because they can automatically succeed to it. Although not being good at campus learningthis part is unclear too , they can help parents do business and learn its work effectively.

In conclusion, there is no denying that people can search for convenience and luxury from money earned by a job. The money is able to produce a graduate to work for a society, create a strong bond among family members and prevent anguish and concern over the life of children regarding their financial status after graduation.

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I suggest that you do the following to help you improve:

Using the question, determine what it is asking.
You have a good introduction as you agree with the question but you need to make your body paragraphs clearer.

You can do this by starting out with the points you want to make. Say that
Body Paragraph 1: Talk about education
Body Paragraph 2: Talk about Retirement

use that format to help you find out what each paragraph is about and then slowly add your ideas/points to it.

Hope that helps.

mr_turtle

Dec 14, 2009

Undergraduate / "Checkmate!" Shogi, or Chinese Chess Common App Essay! [4]

"Promise me one thing, Hae Jun." My grandfather demanded as he slapped the Shogi, or Chinese Chess, board with his red king to avoid the check. I scanned the board and put on my devilish smile. I put my blue rook into position, threw up my arms, and yelled, "Checkmate!" After hundreds of matches, I had finally beaten him. Half of his face smiled while the other half frowned - a lingering effect of the stroke. When I finally settled down, he pointed to his king and said, "Promise me you will conquer the world like this king, no matter how difficult it seems and how many tries it takes," I held out my pinky, and I said, "Pinky promise."

In the summer of ~~year~~ 2007, I finally met my grandfather whom I ~~haven't~~have not*avoid contractions* seen in ten years. Old age and two cases of stroke had crushed my image of the healthy grandfather I had in my childhood memories. He was in a wheelchair, with his back hunched forward, his face was pale like a ghost, and his eyes seemed lifeless, focused on nothing. It was hard for me to even talk to him, let alone look at him. I dreaded the fact that he would be staying at my house.

My initial feelings quickly subsided, however, when he introduced me to the game of Shogi. Through a common hobby, we were able to establish a special relationship very quickly. Not only was I able to bond with my grandfather in a short amount of time, ~~but~~ I also matured as I played more games with him. I learned to be patient; I had to grow accustomed to sitting in front of the game board, thinking of my next move while I waited for my grandfather to make his move. I also had to get used to accepting losses which was a hard for me because I was so hot-headed and stubborn.

Only a few days after I had finally beaten him in Shogi, he made a devastating announcement that broke my heart. He told me and my family that he felt homesick and wanted to go back to Korea. On the day he left, we both made another promise that we would both stay healthy until I visited him. He firmly locked his pinky onto mine. This promise was broken, however, when he passed away the following winter. A week after his death, I received a short letter that he had sent me. Inside the envelope was the blue Shogi king piece. He attached a note: "My dearest grandson, I would not have made you promise to take on the world and conquer it if I did not believe that you could do it. You will face many challenges and obstacles and I can't tell you that it will be easy, but I know you will come through. More importantly, you pinky promised me, remember? So here's my last challenge that I bestow upon you: Checkmate the world."

The blue king now hangs above the mirror in my room. Every morning, I open my closet and I am instantly reminded of the promise I had made with my grandfather. This king is my motivation and my source of energy. I know my grandfather will be smiling brightly from up above when I am finally able to say "Checkmate, world!"

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Very touching story. I throughly enjoyed reading it. Hope the corrections helped.

mr_turtle

Dec 13, 2009

Undergraduate / dance programs in private studios, Macaulay Essay [3]

I feel like I'm missing something, but I have no idea what to write anymore. Any criticism would be greatly appreciated.

Prompt: Discuss some issue of local, national, or international concern and its importance to you. (500 words or less)

In a world where education encompasses children's daily lives, a form of expression is vital. Seeing this, schools have instituted a great number of programs that allow a child to express themselves through music and art. While these two forms of expression are well distributed in school, dance programs are almost non-existent. As a student of the public school system lucky enough to have had a dance teacher, I feel that having courses like dance is not only valuable, but necessary.

What is so great about dance is that it holds no boundaries. Whether you're six years old or sixty years old, if you have the courage, you can dance. Likewise, language and territorial barriers do not inhibit dance because in essence, dance tells a story through the body, and that language is universal. Ever since I was exposed to ballet, jazz, and hip hop, I feel that I can freely express my emotions through dancing. When I hear the music, everything starts to fade away and I forget all my troubles and worries. It is as if a sort of freedom washes over and I can empty the stress and problems I have. If I had not been exposed to dance, this world of unconstraint would not be possible.

Many teenagers today are struggling to find a forum to channel their emotions and without a way, many become lost. By implementing more dance programs, more underprivileged kids will be able to find a better way to realize their stress and ultimately enable them to stay off the streets by giving them something positive to do rather than turning to drug use or gangs.

Because of the lack of dance programs, people like Nigel Lythgoe and Alivn Ailey have started foundations like the Dizzy Feet Foundation and Alivn Ailey Dance Foundation, respectively, which sponsors dance programs in private studios. However, they can not do this alone. The government must start funding more money into art programs so that the children of the future have the opportunities to grow and discover what it is that they like.

mr_turtle

Dec 13, 2009

Undergraduate / "A book that changed the way you see the world" - Les Misérables Macaulay Honors [4]

There are certain works that extend beyond their time, written far enough in the past to seem of another world, yet ~~that~~ remain relevant to modern times; Les Misérables, by Victor Hugo, retains this relevance.

I think that you have missed the prompt. The point is to show how the book has changed your perception of the world and for the majority of the essay, you have just had a plot summary.

Try using personal experiences that relate to this book.

mr_turtle

Dec 13, 2009

Writing Feedback / Toefl ; I agree that MONEY is the most important aspect of a job! [4]

Considering these three reasons, money will be a contributing factor for married couples with kids to become successful in life.

~~To begin with,~~ At the end of each month, people get a salary to pay for tuition fee and other stationeries for their daughter and son.

Nowadays, people who have to bring their children work very hard to take children to a school.

This part is confusing, try rewording.

Will follow up with this essay tomorrow.

mr_turtle

Dec 13, 2009

Undergraduate / A book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed my world - CommonApp Essay [4]

Thanks, Yang

Your recommendations are greatly appreciated.

mr_turtle

Dec 13, 2009

Undergraduate / A book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed my world - CommonApp Essay [4]

This is a short essay I'm writing for CommonApp and another college supplement. Any criticism would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

*Please note that the books are neither italicized nor underlined because when I paste it onto the supplement part, it automatically reverts it to plain old text. Hence, please ignore that error.

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PROMPT:Tell us about a book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed the way you see the world. What was it about the work that affected you? How did your world become different? (500 words or less)

Throughout my adolescent life, the Board of Education has felt the need to
mandate classical literature into the English curriculum, hoping as if some sort of
imprint will be left on my psyche. And while I do admire Shakespeare's Romeo
and Juliet and F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby, I found that no other
book has been as profound nor has reshaped my viewpoint of the world as the
book Number the Stars by Lois Lowry.

This book entails the life of a ten year old girl, Annemarie and her family during
post-WWII in Denmark. I remember the first time I read this book back in
fourth grade. I sat on the side of the courtyard, entranced by the bravery of little
Annemarie, instead of playing with my friends like I usually did. While I was
reading the story, I couldn't help but feel a strong sense of bravery from such a
young girl. Since her best friend Ellen was a Jew, the German soldiers came to
take her away. Despite this, she did not give in and ultimately saved her friend
by helping her cross the country into Sweden while risking her own life. Sure
there are many heroes in this world, but who would have thought that such a
little girl could be one of them. Annemarie's bravery has taught me that it is okay
to be afraid. It is natural and instinctive to feel scared in times of hardship, but
that should not stop you from trying. When she was confronted by soldiers, that
did not stop her and as I face difficult situations, I try to recall Annemarie's will
to never give up.

Aside from the personal lessons that Annemarie have instilled in me, the overall
theme of the book has also struck a chord. Being able to glance back to the
times of depression and the Holocaust, I can begin to grasp the difficulties that
people have suffered under the reign of Adolf Hitler. As I look back at the
book, I feel that I have taken too many things for granted. In Number the Stars,
basic necessities such as clothing, sugar, and even electricity was almost non-
existent. Today, I wake up to the warmth of the heater and know that there is
food in the refrigerator. After reading this book, I have come to realize that not
everyone in this world has the opportunities and the benefits that I have and
therefore I try to value everything that I have.

This book may have been a work of fiction, but to me, the values and lessons
that it has instilled in me are real. This book has changed how I see the world
today, and I am humble yet proud to be able to see the world for the way I see
it now.