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Posts by mynameisjohn
Joined: Dec 9, 2009
Last Post: Nov 16, 2010
Threads: 3
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From: United States of America

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mynameisjohn   
Nov 16, 2010
Research Papers / Argumentative Paper for Art History on Illuminated Manuscripts [2]

Hello, any feedback on the structure and content of my essay would be greatly appreciated! I'd like to know if you see any awkward sentence or where I should provide more detail if necessary. I would also like to point out that my thesis begins with "In my paper..." because that is specifically how the professor wanted us to write it. Thanks!

The assignment:

You will write an argumentative paper based on a developed thesis statement. This includes an introduction with thesis statement (In this paper I argue that...), supporting arguments based on qualified and cited research, and a conclusion. This paper will be a concise and well-written, well-argued and well-organized research statement about your chosen area of research.

My chosen area is the Illuminated Manuscript.

During the Middle Ages and throughout the Renaissance religion played a large role in society. In previous time, methods of mass communication were essentially non-existent. The illuminated manuscript changed this by allowing texts to be produced and copied for distribution. Illuminated manuscripts reached all people spreading religious ideals and other information. In this paper, I prove that the illuminated manuscript shifted from being used as simply a religious instructional tool to mainstream sources of information and symbols of wealth.

In their initial purposes, illuminated manuscripts from the twelfth century were mostly created to provide religious instruction. During this time, Christianity was a relatively new faith that began to replace previously existing pagan belief systems. A main method for the accomplishment of this feat was through the production of texts that could spread the ideas of the faith. The Christian faith established itself based on the book called the Bible. All stories and guidelines for living life were contained within the book. The Bible made the faith tangible. Because of the large role that the Bible played in Christianity, it was highly regarded by all. The Gospels contained in the books were considered so significant in fact, that many became reliquaries. An issue of the time was a lack of literacy and therefore the inability of the common person to understand the existing versions of the Bible. This limited the audience that could actually understand and interpret the text to only those of spiritual importance. For this reason, great work and effort was put into trying to fully illustrate the bible. Very primitive decoration was used initially. Over time, the decoration was further developed and would contribute to the future of lavish decoration in manuscripts. Tobias as a Prophet in the Giant Bible of Hiarsau from Rome demonstrated one of the earliest decorations. Dated around the second half of the eleventh century, the illustrations it contained were not stylistically incorporated into the pages, rather they were left free standing. The beginning of the Romanesque era marked the significant advancement for bible decoration. Manuscripts created in England incorporated intricately designed initials and elegantly placed illustrations. Because of the large scale and great work that went into producing the manuscripts, they were not readily available to the public and could generally only be found in places of great spiritual importance.

Beginning in the thirteenth century, the purposes of illuminated manuscripts began to shift further away from religious topics and more towards becoming desirable objects of entertainment and general informational sources. This shift accompanied the beginning of the Renaissance era in which the modern world came to be. Inquisition into sciences and how the world operated became popular topics of interest and with it introduced a more literate public. As literacy rose, so did the demand for books. More secular works were produced and private ownership became more common. Works dealing with scientific themes became more widely produced. A plate from Herbal, entitled Representation of Medicinal Plants, which was dated around 1200 from England, depicted plants to aid in their identification. However, as more copies were created, the plants lost their realistic looking features and became more stylized and appealing to the eye. This occurrence was showed the beginning of emphasis on the importance of making manuscripts aesthetically pleasing, which later became attributed with wealth. Another work dealing with botany came about in the second half of the fourteenth century in Northern Italy in Compendium of Medicinal Plants. The plate entitled Picking Cherries depicted plants that appear to have been drawn from real life giving it a more scientific angle. The pieces were significant because of it showed the recognition and curiousness of nature. Continuing the theme of nature, The Hyena from Bestiary, which was dated around 1200 in England, depicts a realistic representation of a hyena. The work was not directly Christian but tied in ideals with an allegory that stated the hyena consumes the flesh of those in tombs. Other animals were also represented, most realistically, throughout the text. This work demonstrates the mixture of both scientific elements and entertainment. Along with scientific works, both historical and romantic volumes were produced as well. Entering the gothic era, a great shift away from biblical ideas occurred. Historical and literary themed texts were produced in great amounts and most were either written in, or translated into the common spoken language. The new accessibility opened up manuscripts to a previously unreached audience. Many works depicted the mundane, every day common tasks of patrons. The Luttrell Psalter from England dated around 1335 to 1340, depicted the life of Sir Geoffrey. In Kitchen Scene, his cook is shown working hard at preparing a meal for a banquet taking place that day. This narrative had no connection to any sort of Christian ideals. The main intent of these works was often more so to make the royalty and upper class citizens glorified by showcasing that they possessed the wealth to have such works about them produced.

The plate entitled Mordred besieging the Tower of London from the Roman Du Saint Graal is an example of such. Dated in the early fourteenth century from Flanders, it includes great tales of contemporary heroes such as Alexander the Great, Charlemagne, and King Arthur and his knights. The major difference between the new generation of manuscripts and the old was that older religious themed works were deemed as "necessary" to know and abide by. The new works however were something more that the general public wanted to read and own because of their own interest.

Along with the creation of secular texts the thirteenth century marked the beginning of rapid development and attendance of universities, which accounts for the flourishing influx of more educational literature than religious. Education also pushed for a more commercial production of books. One such example was the pocket-sized bible that became a highly valuable object and a symbol of an educated person. The bible contained extensively decorated tiny initials making them lavish. A Bible from France in the early thirteenth century, Initials to the Books of the Prophets Obadiah and Jonah, exemplifies the substantial use of complexly designed initials. Because of their intricate details, the bibles would be passed down generations. This passage from generation to generation signified the value of having such a bible.

In addition to the more entertainment and information driven focus of manuscripts, patronage of personal manuscripts began to become more common. The plate entitled Christ's Miracles of Healing in the Bible Moralisée from Paris dated around 1240 is an example of royal patronage. The designs on the pages resembled that of a stained glass window that might be found during the time period. It did not contain text; instead, it took select passages of the Bible and interpreted them allegorically. The great detail and decoration put into the work showcases the power and wealth of the royal family. Another patronized work, Trés Riches Heures, dated January 1411 to 1416 idolizes the Duke of Berry. In addition to being a fashionable tiny book of prayers, the illustrations within it were elaborate and glorified the duke. Elements such as enthronement, hierarchy of scale, and a sort of halo formed around him make him an important figure.

Evolving over the centuries, illuminated manuscripts shifted from being used for the communication of religious ideals to lavishly decorated icons of wealth, luxury, and knowledge. From its primitive beginnings, to becoming great sources of art, illuminated manuscripts played a large part in the spread of information and development of cultures. Through the introduction of this form of mass communication, peoples were changed forever as their access to information both religious and academic became easier and more widely available.

Bibliography
mynameisjohn   
Nov 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "The child with ADD; working at Anisfield camp at the JCC" - Common app [2]

Areas that need changes are in bold.

Over my past two summers, I have worked at Anisfield, a day camp at the JCC.

"Over the past two summers" doesn't sound very nice. Try saying "In the past two years during the summer months..."

"JCC" should be spelled out. You may know what JCC stands for but the reader does not.

For both years I was a counselor for incoming 1st and 2nd graders.

Use the words first and second instead of numbers.

I was assigned a group of kids

Assigned to a group. Instead of saying kids, use children.

These kids were not only polite, but they also happened to be a pretty knowledgeable bunch of1st and 2nd graders

Again, instead of saying kids use children. Replace the numbers with first and second. "They happened to be a pretty knowledgeable bunch..." is to casual of a phrase. Try rewriting the sentence to say something like, "The children were not only polite, but they were also quite knowledgable for their age."

I got through that first summer with ease because the group of campers made it both easy to instruct and mentor them.

Using "the" instead of "that" would sound better.

The camper with anxiety problems and his mom

Mom is too casual. Replace it with "mother"

So, as we were walking to our second activity the child with anxiety issues realized that something was out of the ordinary, so being the 7 year old that he was, he broke down in tears

Remove so.

it would be a 10-15 minute breakdown

Write out ten to fifteen. Do not use numbers. You should write out any numbers that are below one hundred.

so being the 7 year old that he was

This whole phrase should be altered. To begin, write out the number seven. Instead of implying he is emotional because of his young age, try to explain that because the situation was undesirable to him it stressed his emotions.

"what do we have next?." or "where are we going?,"

Do not use double punctuation. Simply use the question marks.

Is that your entire essay? There was no real conclusion, you should insert a closing statement that sums up your entire experience.

Also, as a general comment, try to avoid using contractions. I noticed you used "wouldn't" quite often. Replace that with would not.

Hope this helps and good luck!
mynameisjohn   
Nov 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "Excellent computer science professors and diversity" -Allegheny college essay prompt [6]

Changes are in bold.

I am impressed with the computer science curriculum and delirious about the student-faculty research.

I would suggest using a different word here. Defined, delirious means "in an acutely disturbed state of mind resulting from illness or intoxication and characterized by restlessness, illusions, and incoherence of thought and speech." I'm sure that's not exactly the reaction (at least I certainly hope not) you're getting from their excellent program.

On the computer science department page it says, "Allegheny's computer science majors understand the theories and concepts behind the technology, and there's almost no limit to the ways in which this broad-based knowledge can be adapted."

"On the page it says" is not a very professional sounding phrase. Try the something like "The computer science page states that..."

Other than that you seem to have a nice prompt. I particularly liked how you ended it. Good luck!
mynameisjohn   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]

To answer those wanting to know, my major is going to be special education. I'm writing about the campaign because I throughly enjoyed the time I spent contributing to it. It doesn't exactly go hand in hand with my major but the prompt said to elaborate on an activity, and that's exactly what I am doing.

Thank you once again to everyone who gave feedback. I really appreciate it!
mynameisjohn   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your Choice - Importance work ethic [5]

Thank you very much for all of your feedback. I have revised the first half of the second paragraph and my conclusion and would like to know what you think of the changes. Thank you for your time.

-------

Regardless of the application, personal work ethics can either propel one to success or leave one behind. Since the beginning of my high school career, I have been enrolled in advanced classes. This fact alone signifies to the common person that the student is a hard worker who is extremely motivated; however, the fact that a student is enrolled in an advanced class can sometimes mean very little. Although the coursework is demanding, there are those who feel that everything will fall in place for them and that they can easily breeze through the class and earn credit without any effort. Many students within my classes dropped out because of the challenge. Through the years, my teachers have taught me that it is the challenge that allows for learning. Working just enough to get credit does not truly teach anything. Knowing that arising to the challenging coursework is what will allow me to grow, I have maintained my rigorous schedule and invested much of my time into overcoming challenges to reach the next stages of my learning. Success does not come without its challenges, and I am willing to face all of them in order to create the life I want to live. Seeing other students who simply do not care, and the academic rewards I receive for taking on all challenges, motivates me and reinforces the importance of maintaining a strong personal work ethic so that I may open my life to any and all possibilities that might present themselves to me.

------

Having experienced first hand what qualities can lead one to be successful, the notion that a strong work ethic is necessary has been firmly planted in my mind. Knowing this fact, I realize the amount of effort and dedication needed to succeed in college is even higher than what I have experienced and will make me grow more than I ever have. Believing in the power of a strong work ethic, and the rewards that come along with it, will allow me to thrive in college and further advance my development, my education, and most importantly, my life.
mynameisjohn   
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your Choice - Importance work ethic [5]

For my common app essay I chose to write about the importance of a strong work ethic. I already had my english teacher proofread the first draft but unfortunately due to snow days I couldn't give her this draft. Before you start reading please keep in mind this is also an actual AP english essay that must follow a certain list of rules, I'm just using it as my college application essay.

The assignment for this essay was to introduce a "truth" followed by a describing paragraph about the "truth", then a paragraph describing my experience with this "truth"

My english teacher said she liked the intro and first paragraph so it's really the second paragraph, where I describe my experience with the "truth", that I would like your proofreading to be focused on. Do you feel I provide good enough examples to reinforce the "truth"?

Thank you for your time.

All people must set and accomplish goals within their lives to achieve a sense of fulfillment. Some may work voraciously to accomplish them while others may do so with disregard. The latter of these different personalities can lead to trouble achieving and advancing throughout life. Talking of such people, Abraham Lincoln stated, "Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle." If care and action is not taken to reach goals, they will never truly be met. Holding a strong ...
mynameisjohn   
Dec 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]

Wasn't sure if I should start a new thread or not? But I rewrote my short answer with a different topic this time.

Prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

I only have 26 more words I can add to it but do you feel more detail is needed?

During the election season of 2008, I was lucky enough to be able to volunteer within our city's democratic headquarters to campaign for our now current president, Mr. Barack Obama. Though my official role was to gather local students to help push the Obama campaign, I did much more. From making phone calls to people throughout the nation, to canvassing local neighborhoods to determine the local opinion of Obama, my volunteering introduced me to the inner workings of political campaigns. After all of the hard work others and I put into the campaign, it paid off; when Obama won the election extreme joy and hubris came about the group for a job well done. The Obama Campaign is an experience I will never forget.
mynameisjohn   
Dec 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Sonny's Blues" essay (the present and past tense problems) [6]

Changes are in bold.

Well to start off, you may use past or present tense (I have been taught to use present tense as opposed to past, but technically the past tense is considered the "scholarly" tense, but again it depends on what your teacher is looking for.) However, once you start writing an essay in present tense, use present tense throughout the entire essay. Likewise for past tense, if you start in the past tense use it throughout the entire essay. That being said, here are my suggestions.

From the very start of "Sonny's Blues" by James Baldwin there is an apparent theme of darkness that makes itself ever more evident throughout the story. Baldwin uses this theme of darkness as a metaphor for Sonny's suffering and addiction to heroin. The author...

"From the very start of "Sonny's Blues" by James Baldwin there is an apparent theme of darkness that makes itself ever more evident throughout the story. Baldwin uses this theme of darkness as a metaphor for Sonny's suffering and addiction to heroin. The author"

I wasn't going to go through the entire essay and point it out, but as this small section shows, you repeat "Baldwin" and "The author" a considerable amount of times. It is best to stay away from this habit. Ideally, you should only mention the author's name once in the entire essay, with that mention being in your introduction. Try to cut down on the number of times you use his name or say "the author" throughout the essay.

The author is never explicitly clear as to what specifically leads to Sonny's addiction to heroin and overall darkness in his life. However there are a couple events in the story which point towards possible explanations for Sonny's suffering.

"The author is never explicitly clear as to what specifically leads to Sonny's addiction to heroin and overall darkness in his life; however, there are a couple events in the story which point towards possible explanations for Sonny's suffering."

Use of a semi-colon can bring these two sentences together nicely.

First of which being his father's prejudice toward white people.

"One such explanation given is his father's prejudice toward white people."

The original sentence without alteration is a fragmented sentence. Using the statement "First of which" is referring to a subject that is not within that particular sentence, but the sentence before it.

In the story Sonny's brother has a critical conversation with his mother.

"In the story, Sonny's brother has a critical conversation with his mother. "

If you were to say this sentence out loud, you would pause (even if for a second) after saying story. Whenever the reader needs to pause briefly, a comma is necessary.

...lead to their fathers prejudice towards...

"...lead to their father's prejudice towards..."

You need an apostrophe in "father's"

For that huge quotation you have you must put it into block quotation form. Any quotation that is longer than 4 lines should be put in block form. Here is a link to give you a basic idea on how to format it, a simple Google search can give you further information.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Block_quotation#Quotations_within_an_extract

While Sonny's mother made sure that their father never speaks of those events to their children it shows the audience a couple things.

"While Sonny's mother made sure that their father never spoke of those events to their children it reveals several things to the audience."

Speaks must be changed to spoke because up until that point you had been writing the essay in the past tense, therefore you must change that word to the past tense as well. Regarding "it shows the audience a couple things" That line just sounds rather cheap. Better vocabulary can be used to reword that phrase, I provided only a suggestion, I encourage you to come up with a different phrase.

Secondly this shows that at the time the story was written there was a lot of racism towards blacks which was most likely a huge factor that lead to Sonny's bout of darkness.

"Secondly, this shows that at the time the story was written there was a lot of racism towards blacks which was most likely a huge factor that lead to Sonny's bout of darkness."

A comma is required after "Secondly" as you would pause after that word if reading the sentence aloud. Moving on, "Secondly" is a rather poor word choice. To sound more sophisticated, an alternate word such as "Furthermore" should be used. Again, that is a suggestion and I encourage you to use a different word of your choice to begin your sentence.

While there are a multitude of factors may have led to Sonny's heroin addiction, Baldwin doesn't specifically call out a specific event as being the deciding factor leading to Sonny's heroin addiction.

You should delete this entire sentence. You are repeating what you said in the first sentence of paragraph 2.

While it might have done a good job at temporarily relieving Sonny's pain, it eventually led to more pain and suffering.

This is a fragmented sentence. There is no subject in this sentence, but rather in the previous sentence. If you were to isolate this sentence your reader would be asking...what is "it"?

His brother was the one who help him do that by keeping a promise to his mother "I want to talk to you about your brother, she said, suddenly...

"His brother was the one who helped him do that by keeping a promiseto his mother, "I want to talk to you about your brother, she said, suddenly..."

ALWAYS put a comma after the word preceding a quotation.

he wanted to play Jazz "I mean, I'll have a lot of studying

"he wanted to play Jazz, "I mean, I'll have a lot of studying"

Once again, comma before a quotation.

After Sonny got out of rehab he started going back to school but eventually became disheartened about school, and needed something to cheer him up and pull him through. That something was Isabel's piano.

"After Sonny got out of rehab he started going back to school but eventually became disheartened about school, and needed something to cheer him up and pull him through; that something was Isabel's piano."

The sentences can be combined using a semi-colon.

However Sonny's brother was not always fond of Sonny's love of music; many of the musicians he knew had also addicted to drugs, and therefore Sonny's brother was concerned that music would only hinder Sonny's road to recovery.

"However, Sonny's brother was not always fond of Sonny's love of music, many of the musicians he knew had also addicted to drugs, and therefore Sonny's brother was concerned that music would only hinder Sonny's road to recovery."

You need a comma after "However" and the semi-colon after the word music should be a comma instead.

And there you have it. While I can't guarantee you I caught 100% of the errors, I certainly made quite a dent in them for you so you should be able to edit your essay accordingly. But after all of the criticism I do have a compliment. I particularly like your conclusion. It is very effective at summing up all of the points discussed within the essay.

Hope this helps!
mynameisjohn   
Dec 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Drawing and painting have been my only passion ; SAIC SOP - Interior Design [3]

Changes are in bold font.

fairies and princess or animals

Princess should be plural - princesses. Also, since you have three items you might want to rewrite the sentence - "fairies, princesses, and animals"

That was how art has come into my life.

To make this sentence proper you would need to change it to - "That is how art came into my life"

Interior design is an interesing degree that I believe could fulfill my passion of creating my imagination into a particular space.

Instead of degree, using the word profession would sound better. In my opinion at least. Also, you need another t in interesting ;-)

I believe that SAIC is the chosen place that would assist me to accomplish Interior Design course, being ready for the career that I have always wanted. After going through many reviews from SAIC student, it has showed that SAIC is a well established art school with high reputation that has the characteristics that I am looking for. Furthermore, SAIC can be able to provide background and foundation for my growth as a designer in the future.

A few little changes should be made to this section - "I believe that SAIC is the place that would best assist me in becoming an Interior Designer. After going through many reviews from SAIC students, it has shown me that SAIC is a well established art school with an outstanding reputation that has the characteristics that I am looking for. Furthermore, SAIC will be able to provide a solid foundation for my growth as a designer in the future."

In grade nine and ten, I took Visual Art class in my high school in Australia and casual art class in my home country during my 3 month holiday.

In grades nine and ten, I took avisual art class in my high school in Australia and a casual art class in my home country during my 3 month holiday.

Unfortunately, in grade eleven and twelve I was not able to continue for Art since the class was full and only a number of lucky students was selected. But that did not stop my love for art. Drawing and painting have always been my favourite relaxing activities during spare time besides shopping around and hanging out with friends.

Unfortunately, in grades eleven and twelve I was unable to continue takingart since the class was full and only a number of lucky students were selected. But that did not stop my love for art. Drawing and painting have always been my favourite relaxing activities during spare time. Delete the part about shopping and hanging out with friends. Focus only on art in your life.

It would be a great honour to me to have a opportunity to pursue my dream as a designer at SAIC.

It would be a great honour to have the opportunity to pursue my dream as a designer at SAIC.

With a few spelling corrections, word changes, and sentence alterations you have a very nice beginning of an essay. I would suggest that you add more evidence to support your passion for art as many young children enjoy creating art of any kind, and many people take art classes during their schooling even if they are not seriously thinking about making it a profession. Prove to SAIC that art means something more to you in your life than it would to the average person.

I hope this helps at least a little!
mynameisjohn   
Dec 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]

Thank you very much for your feedback. I have always had trouble writing about me specifically. I always apply it to general situations. I decided to change what I'm writing about entirely to something that I can apply more to myself. Thank you for your wonderful and thought out responses!

P.S. Your name is pretty cool as well.
mynameisjohn   
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]

Prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

I would just like some feedback on my short answer below. I feel like it is lacking something but I'm not quite sure exactly what it is.

During my time in the [School Name] High School Marching Band, the values of discipline, respect, and teamwork were instilled within me. Discipline was required to master the proper marching form, as well as to simply be a mature person whose sole purpose was to improve their skills, not to fool around. Respect was required towards our squad leaders and band directors so that we could easily communicate and learn necessary information that helped our band to grow and become the best we possibly could. But perhaps the most important value was teamwork. Collaboration was required to make sure the marching went seamlessly and that music was played correctly and at the right time. From coming in as a freshman to the end of my sophomore year, great maturation took place and helped me to become a better member of the band and my school community.
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