Common App short answer about marching band

Prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

I would just like some feedback on my short answer below. I feel like it is lacking something but I'm not quite sure exactly what it is.

During my time in the [School Name] High School Marching Band, the values of discipline, respect, and teamwork were instilled within me. Discipline was required to master the proper marching form, as well as to simply be a mature person whose sole purpose was to improve their skills, not to fool around. Respect was required towards our squad leaders and band directors so that we could easily communicate and learn necessary information that helped our band to grow and become the best we possibly could. But perhaps the most important value was teamwork. Collaboration was required to make sure the marching went seamlessly and that music was played correctly and at the right time. From coming in as a freshman to the end of my sophomore year, great maturation took place and helped me to become a better member of the band and my school community.

passive first sentence. I get the feeling this won't be as exciting as you want it to be. Rather vapid sounding.
Make this YOUR OWN extracurricular! Make it something that STANDS out! maybe not the drills, the repetition, but something that you REALLY saw in it.

Again here:



ask yourself why you write this part? is it because YOU wanted to be mature/not fool around? is that what you saw band as? if so, SAY so.


Erred once more.

But perhaps the most important value was teamwork.

Focus more here? make it more about how you stood out and was part of this team. Because you make it a separate sentence from the previous, make it worth it as a separate one. otherwise, it'd just be more words, more traits that passively associate with band.


Ok. issue. maybe this is why is sounds passive. you're talking about a 9th and 10th grade experience. something that happened two years ago? The passive past tense makes it rather jejune. Make it "zesty" and rhythmatic if you will.

helped me to become a better member of the band and my school community.<again. nuff said.

like your name btw :]

Thank you very much for your feedback. I have always had trouble writing about me specifically. I always apply it to general situations. I decided to change what I'm writing about entirely to something that I can apply more to myself. Thank you for your wonderful and thought out responses!

P.S. Your name is pretty cool as well.

Wasn't sure if I should start a new thread or not? But I rewrote my short answer with a different topic this time.

Prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

I only have 26 more words I can add to it but do you feel more detail is needed?

During the election season of 2008, I was lucky enough to be able to volunteer within our city's democratic headquarters to campaign for our now current president, Mr. Barack Obama. Though my official role was to gather local students to help push the Obama campaign, I did much more. From making phone calls to people throughout the nation, to canvassing local neighborhoods to determine the local opinion of Obama, my volunteering introduced me to the inner workings of political campaigns. After all of the hard work others and I put into the campaign, it paid off; when Obama won the election extreme joy and hubris came about the group for a job well done. The Obama Campaign is an experience I will never forget.

no comma needed


passive Dx . but overall much better


maybe integrate more into your essay, like combining with the joy and hubris with the work, that you know you did your part, and more.

This is a good choice of topic. What is your major going to be? It is pretty impressive to be involved in politics at a young age. Meisj0n, thanks for the great work you did, helping here.

About this part... introduced me to the inner workings of political campaigns... I think you should prove it by sharing an insight you gained... if there is enough romm and you won't be going over the word count.

:-)

For this prompt, I was told by a college copunselor that you must state facts and nothing more. You do that but it seems to be a little empty. Try integrating yourself and you desired major into it.

Thats what I did

I would like to meet a copunselor :] but why do you have to discuss youR desired major if this is the common app? If you choose different majors for different colleges, then you place yourself in a bad dilemma. Another thing, I talked about my work experience, what I did, what I learned, how I helped. I think this is a rather open ended prompt. elaborating is not merely vomiting back what you stated in the previous part of Activities. I do think, however, that it should show more about yourself. Good luck with whichever one you choose!

To answer those wanting to know, my major is going to be special education. I'm writing about the campaign because I throughly enjoyed the time I spent contributing to it. It doesn't exactly go hand in hand with my major but the prompt said to elaborate on an activity, and that's exactly what I am doing.

Thank you once again to everyone who gave feedback. I really appreciate it!