Graduate / Statement of Intent Appling for MA in Philosophy and Literature [3]

what do you mean English culture? the culture of the language? or American culture? After reading your first paragraph I'm not sure what country/land you're referring to? England? Australia? Canada?


As a child, I remember once being very impressed after reading a fancy 'winter rhyme'. It impressed me much.
At the time finishing school study came with difficulty to me . Afterwards, it was discovered that I was taken ill withhad diabetes. Those days,athe thought of further education let alone university one seemed to be a transcendental dream.

I want my advice to be as helpful as possible, you could benefit from sitting down with a native English speaker and going sentence by sentence through this statement. Be as basic as possible. It sounds now like you are trying to hard to use big words and is a little confusing. Also you share some very personal stories about things you had to overcome. If you could condense that, and be a little less emotional but still get the point across I think it would be stronger.

Look up rules on how to use commas, they will improve your writing.

In terms of content, I am missing what attracts you to this particular program.


What is an art path and why is it capitalized?

Frame your story around your strengths, not your weaknesses.

Also, what are your career goals?

Keep it up, with a little more feedback and some solid, focused effort and this essay will shine I'm sure!

Good luck :)

Graduate / Statement of purpose for graduate study in petroleum engineering [4]

Contractions should not be used in formal writing. So instead of I've, write out I have.

Your second sentence is too long. I'd also be wary of saying you did not attend college because you were unlucky and provide a more substantive reason such as family responsibilities, finances, extenuating personal situation, etc. Was the program not offered then? Are there any common skills between e. eng. and petrol. eng that you could bring out to show how that background will be helpful for petroleum engineering? I would go that route rather than saying the unlucky bit. HIghlight what can be transferred.

Although I was unlucky not to be admitted into a petroleum engineering programme at University level, my keen interest never wavered over the years.and I believe that is the reason I pursued and obtained a full scholarship from Shell Petroleum Development Company for my university degree programme.

The two areas which I am particularly interested in are drilling and the separation of oil into the different petroleum products.
You have two options here: take out "which", or move "in" to before "which". And again, careful about not using contractions.

My fascination with exploring and locating untapped reserves and the technology used to recover and extract oil, is what majorly drives me to pursue a master's degree in petroleum engineering.

This is a run on sentence.

Until alternative energies can be widely produced, the need for oil and its producers will constantly be on the increase.andM y awareness of this fact just further solidifies my desire to become a qualified petroleum engineer.


These sentences are way too long in general.

My country, Nigeria, is one of the nations with the largest oil reserve in the world. andWith that, there is definitely a need for petroleum engineering professionals to maximize the potential within the country.and as a graduate of Electrical Electronics who has acquired the fundamentals of basic engineering subjects, studying Petroleum Engineering will kick off my career in the right direction. andMoreover, it will equip me with the necessary skills to add value and contribute positively to continuously providing energy and ensuring that our world as we know it is adequately powered.

Your last sentence (as it would be after correcting the run on) lacks the clarity and weight that a last sentence should have. What do you mean by add value? to what? How is your 'adding value' different from 'contribute positively'. It seems redundant.

In terms of what you can add, please do add more about your qualifications. I don't get a sense of why you would be a great candidate after reading this. How did your interests not waver? What did you do to keep up with what was happening in the petroleum engineering world?

Having too few words would be okay if I came away understanding why you were a candidate that would add to the program. You start your discussion of that too late IMHO. At the same time, you have communicated a lot with the 241 words you did choose. I just think that more detail about who you are and your qualifications would make the statement stronger.

Hope something in here was helpful!

Good luck!

Letters / Letter of Motivation for applying Computer Science related fields [4]

I would leave it out because it's on your transcript and resume. Everything I've heard says you shouldn't duplicate information. Instead, you could take the same n number of words and say something else that sets you apart from the applicant pool that is not found somewhere else in your materials. It doesn't hurt your statement to leave it in, but if you were trying to cut back words, I would cut that. I agree that it is a merit, but one that will be testified to elsewhere in your packet.

Graduate / Henri Poincaré quote - SOP for Ph.D in Urban Planning [7]


at the same time

The 'So' in the beginning of the fifth paragraph is too informal. I would leave it out.

I love how you frame your statement around asking the right question. So many people start their essays with quotes that are only tangentially related. Nice work!


should this be stage?

Your statement is strong but a little wordy. In the middle it reads more like a book review. I would minimize the technical discussion


I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. It sounds like something was put into an automated translator and this is what came out (not consistent with the strong, clear voice you have throughout most of the essay).

I would not repeat the quote but rephrase it or just jump right in with that second sentence of your conclusion. Very good essay.

Good luck!

Graduate / "traditional foundation and style" - Applying for graduate school at SVA [7]

Hi,

I'm in the same boat as you, preparing SoPs. I give the same kind of feedback I'd like to get. Here it goes:

TheE xposure ofto visual art at an early age has impacted my life untilto this day.

Someone already said this but by the end of the first paragraph I should know what program you're applying to and generally what you want to study. Rework the end of the first paragraph.

Also, I think positive assertions, especially at key points (such as paragraph openings) in the statement are stronger than negative ones like: I was unsure... Maybe something about why you were certain that you wanted to do visual arts of some sort in college as the first sentence followed in another sentence by the fact that you had not settled on a specific area of study. Perhaps you could leave that out and go directly into the fact that math prompted you to study architecture.

Your reference to the road less traveled is very cliche and not explained. Architecture is this road? Visual arts is this road? What decisions did you make that others wouldn't and what inspired that?

The grammar in the first sentence of the third paragraph is funny with the commas. There does not need to be a comma before Kanye West, but there should be one before the name of his video. The grammar in the second sentence of the same paragraph is questionable (maybe I'm wrong) with mixing the tenses > it was unlike anything I had ever seen <

His style of animation was unlike anything I had ever seen;i t was so complex and astounding. I began to exploring his work which provided me with a better understanding of his creativity.

My interest was aroused,which inspired meI began to research other animators.

My goal in the next five years is to graduate in May 2012 withAfter earning my Masters of Fine Arts from School of Visual Arts, thenI will immediately embark on my career as a 3D character modeler and animator.

The last paragraph is missing something. Its a little wordy and you haven't mentioned what about that school has convinced you of your fit with that program, or why pursuing a graduate degree is even necessary. The courses or faculty, or even the opportunity to grow from seeing how others frame the world through art and not the prestige of the school will help you fulfill your dream. Be more concrete about that program.

The reason that I want to enroll in the Master of Fine Arts program will help me become the best computer animator that I can become. I have realized through careful research that your prestigious program will afford me the opportunity to fulfill my dream.

Writing styles vary, don't lose your voice to incorporate my suggestions.

Your statement really shined in the second paragraph. Please tie in the quote from the beginning with 1) the conclusion and 2) your actual progression as an artist. Since the mature mind follows through, how does your going from architecture to animation represent that?

I hope something in this was helpful!

Best of luck to you :)

Graduate / 'the field of Micro/Nanofluidic' - S,O,P for PhD in mechanical engineering [3]

Should the second sentence be exceptionally talented???

Being admitted there brought me great opportunities along with responsibilities. >> or just replace "along" with "and". (If you do that replacement I would replace "me" with "both": brought both great opportunities and responsibilities.)

competing with the best students of my town and trying to outdo each other << this is redundant. this sentence is also kind of long as it is so finding a place to cut back on words would help the flow of it.

By taking extra CFD courses, and carrying out programming projects and making use of well-known commercial software during my courses << the first "and" you should take out

Fortunately, I discovered the field of Micro/Nanofluidic, which I found it an integratedof all of my interests

This has served to sharpened my inclination to engage in active research within this area.

Also, some things to clarify: was this school you worked at labs in also an elementary school?
What is the chronology of the first paragraph? Ordinary elementary school - hard core middle and high school that prepared you for said university?

During the first two years of my undergraduate study, the importance of mathematical modeling for engineers and applied scientists encouraged me to improve my knowledge

I like your opening quote but I had a hard time seeing its relevance to the rest of your statement. How did you create yourself? If you could be more specific about that i think it would strengthen your statement.

I also understand Mech Eng programs might not care as much about such detail. I do think that you have presented your strengths well. Just tighten up some of the English so that it reads more smoothly.