Posts by themaninblack

themaninblack

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / biology, physics, and engineering, JHU- why this major, why JHU essay [5]

In the first paragraph I'm not sure if the word "smartness" is correct. Would the term "complexity" be better?
In the second paragraph, way too many parentheses. Frankly, these break up the readers train of thought, and not in a good way too. The phrase "in hopes" should be cut as it is unneeded. And I firmly believe that the semicolon at the end is grammatically wrong.

In the third paragraph at the end you say "where even mistakes are accepted". Are you implying that mistakes are not accepted elsewhere? I'm confused.

The fourth seems fine.
As for the fifth paragraph, I just have one pet peeve to talk about. You use the word "amalgamation". This isn't exactly good. That word is often seen as a red flag indicating extensive dictionary use by the writer. In short, you might want to change your choice of words.

I also have some general advice. It is usually better to base your college essays around a story of some kind. You might want to do that in this essay.

themaninblack

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / Duke University Engineering Essay [4]

Thanks for the advice, and merry Christmas to you!

themaninblack

Dec 23, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App essay - significant experience (immigration and different cultures) [6]

Very nice essay. The ending of the second paragraph had me laughing for a while.

It is unreasonable to assume that you intend to major in ethnic studies? Your answer to the impact portion of the prompt is that your residence in Toronto gave you an appreciation for and interest in the different cultures of humanity. It would be nice if you expanded on this a bit.

themaninblack

Dec 23, 2009

Undergraduate / Duke University Engineering Essay [4]

If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."-Arthur C. Clarke

This statement was very true for me as a kid. In my rather understandable ignorance modern technology took on a magical quality. Store doors miraculously moved by themselves. Soda machines somehow knew how much money you were putting into them. The latter led me to create some interesting theories, most of which revolved around an army of tiny men counting how much money went down the slot.

However, as time passed I began taking these unexplained occurrences for granted. Miracles repeated too many times become facts of life. My wonder may have turned into complacency, but my family's spending habits conspired to stop this from happening.

My parents are perhaps the greatest misers the world has seen. They dislike unnecessary spending in any form, especially when it comes to toys. I remember the time when one of my toys, a battery powered walking robot, froze in mid-step. Certain that it was broken, I pleaded with my parents to buy a new one. They told me to either repair it or do without it. Unhappy but resigned, I went to the garage to look for some tools. After a healthy length of time spent finding out how to unscrew the back plate, I finally managed to get a glimpse of my robot's inner workings. I didn't find an army of little men operating my toy. Instead I found a mass of gears and wires that defied all comprehension. One of the gears seemed to have slipped out of place. I pushed into back into its slot, screwed the back cover on, and turned the robot on. It started walking again, to my considerable relief. This was the first time I repaired something. It was also the first time I did anything remotely like engineering.

I forgot about the incident until about a week later. That was when I started to wonder how pushing back one gear could have repaired the robot so easily. To answer my questions, I turned to both my local library and my father. From the library I got books with titles like "How Things Work." From my father (who was an ultrasound engineer), I got explanations and engineering common sense.

Many books and lectures later, I was no longer so ignorant of how things worked. Department store doors work by using a radar sensor to detect if an object is getting near the door. Some variations use ultrasound motion detectors instead. Soda machines count your money using a variety of visual and magnetic sensors. Technology is not longer magic to me in the sense that it seems to works for no reason. I may have lost the supernatural wonder that I once held, but I gained something worth much more: the curiosity to see how things function, to understand the inner workings of the machines that I used to take for granted. This is my reason for wanting to study engineering.

So I want to study engineering, but why study it at Duke? One reason is because Duke holds sentimental value for me. My aunt and uncle were married in the school chapel, a ceremony that I attended. I've visited the campus several times and have found its architecture very attractive. But most influential factor is the fact my father was an ultrasound engineer. He worked at the Siemens ultrasound division, which has some of the best ultrasound engineers in the worlds. A large number of these engineers, including most of my father's coworkers, graduated from a particular university located in Durham, North Carolina. Take a guess at what university it was.

Any help and comments would be deeply appreciated.

themaninblack

Dec 23, 2009

Undergraduate / "Soliloquy of the Stereotype" - Common App Main Essay [2]

Um, you sound kinda bitter over being labeled with the "smart kid" stereotype. I understand this kind of frustration, being similarly labeled myself, but devoting the entirety of the first two paragraphs to this is going too far.

There are also some terms that you may want to define. I can guess what "Department of Defense Dependents School" implies (I know that military families tend to move frequently as parents are shuffled from base to base) but the word "Lilliputian" is completely beyond me.

This essay is about 1060 words. For most colleges this is way too big. From what I have been told, most admissions officers are sleep deprived young individuals who read half of the essays at midnight. In short, you may want to start cutting some stuff.

themaninblack

Dec 23, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Leaving Singapore' - URichmond Supplement Essay - Leaving the comfort zone [3]

I don't really like the word "amalgam" in your first sentence. The way you are using it is completely fine, but in my experience the word tends to be inserted into essays by going onto an online dictionary and searching for synonyms of the word "mix". At least, that is what happens at my high school. This sort of stuff happens often enough to make admissions officers wary of certain words, "amalgam" included.

And one question: Where were you originally from? As a reader I would be curious to know were you lived before Singapore. But this is just my personality. You don't have to provide this information.

"I had been so used to the habit of just throwing my dirty clothes to the corner of the room so that I would get them back the following day, nice and clean, that I started to feel uneasy." This is grammatically incorrect. I know that you are trying to say that the piling up of dirty clothes disturbed you. You could say it like this:

"I used to just throw my dirty clothes into the corner of the room, expecting them to be nice and clean the following day. But here in Singapore there was nobody dedicated to washing and cleaning my clothes, and as the pile of dirty clothing grew bigger so did my uneasiness."

And one last piece of commentary. You seem to be using the laundry list approach in your essay, a.k.a. putting as many different examples in it as you can. In general, I find it better to focus on one topic instead of trying to focus on many. So just focus on one example of how it was hard to live in a foreign land and how you conquered that hardship.

themaninblack

Dec 19, 2009

Undergraduate / I was born in Yale-New Haven Hospital, and my father got his PhD from Yale. [6]

What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? Please limit your response to the space provided.-500 characters

I was born in Yale-New Haven Hospital, and my father got his PhD from Yale. I grew up in New Haven, and thus grew up in Yale as well. As a kid I would visit my dad's lab on the campus and gawk at the gothic wonder that is Harkness Tower. My dad says that Yale was one of the best experiences of his life, a feeling that our family friend agrees with. Yale's new green buildings like Kroon Hall and the Malone Center appeal to the environmental side of me, giving me yet another reason to attend.

Any constructive criticism would be deeply appreciated.