What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? Please limit your response to the space provided.-500 characters
I was born in Yale-New Haven Hospital, and my father got his PhD from Yale. I grew up in New Haven, and thus grew up in Yale as well. As a kid I would visit my dad's lab on the campus and gawk at the gothic wonder that is Harkness Tower. My dad says that Yale was one of the best experiences of his life, a feeling that our family friend agrees with. Yale's new green buildings like Kroon Hall and the Malone Center appeal to the environmental side of me, giving me yet another reason to attend.
Any constructive criticism would be deeply appreciated.
This is one of my first time doing this, so please bare with me.
I would consider changing, and thus grew up in Yale as well - thus I grew-up in Yale.
and, As a kid I would visit my dad's lab on the campus and gawk at the gothic wonder that is Harkness Tower. - As a child I would visit my fathers lab on campus and gaze over the gothic wonder that is Harkness Tower.
I hope this helps some.
I would advise you to reconsider the prompt: "What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply?"
You talk about your legacy and your familiarity with the college and its campus, but the fact that you grew up in New Haven and are well-acquainted with Yale is not something "in particular about Yale", as the prompt suggests. Furthermore, what about Yale made it the "best experience" of your father's life? Was it the residential college system? The networking and prestige of a Yale degree? The excellent faculty and academic facilities? I feel that your last sentence about Yale's focus on sustainability is the closest you come to addressing the prompt, and yet even that sentence feels like an afterthought. I know that the 600 (or was it 500?) character count is a serious pain in the... well, neck, since I applied to Yale a couple of weeks ago, so it would be better to focus on one particular, detailed aspect of the school and build your response around that.
Wow, 500 characters! It shows that the school is very selective, and precise with choosing the kids, because they want a great piece in that small amount of words.
Well,let me start I like the ideas of why you would like to attend Yale.
But I believe the wording is simple.
I also believe that you should focus on one topic, and expand one that. Being born in that specific areas is out of place with the rest of the ideas in your paragraph.
So I think you should disregard that, and expand on the memory of being a kid, and visiting that place, and how that ties with your close relationship with your dad, which indirectly has a relationship with the Yale's environment.
I think you should start your paragraph by your third sentence... "As a kid..."
By expanding that one topic, it will sentimentalize it.
Hope that helps.
I'm sure legacy will be noted somewhere on your application and supplement.
Insofar as that is true, I suggest using this short 500 character space to highlight something else. Space is precious :)
You can dedicate a sentence or two about how you grew up hearing that Yale was the greatest, or that you grew up around Yale.
THEN, go into what specifically about Yale drew your attention/corresponded with a SPECIFIC interest or goal you had in mind.
Ask your dad what specifically (haha I'm using that word so often) made Yale one of the best experiences of his life. Then, hopefully you can incorporate that aspect (not your dad's opinion, but the actual aspect) into the answer.
I gather from your last sentence that environmental awareness is important to you. Talk about how you want to be surrounded with peers who are aware of their actions/globally responsible, i.e. through environmental awareness, and since Yale is like that...etc.
Hope it helped!
You have to get to the "heart" of the yale essay. Its sortof "on the surface", talk more about why Yale actually appeals to you as a college.