Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Posts by appletree12
Joined: Dec 20, 2009
Last Post: Dec 23, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  

From: South Korea

Displayed posts: 3
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Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "a homeless woman" - Common App Short Answer :) [9]

I think u should cut the words to meet the requirement.
Frankly speaking I cannot understand what exactly you meant to say.

If you want to stick to that topic I think it would be better to be specific (also cut needless words)!

hope this would help!

Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App: Evaluate a significant experience -getting lost in an airport [3]

there are many grammatical errors

Firstly," I signed up for this oversea youth summer camp in hope of proving..."
-I participated the oversea youth summer camp to prove my courage and adapta...

would be better.

"It was the last day of the camp and we were going to transfer in Los Angeles and then fly back to China ."

Here, -In the last day of the camp, we were going to transfer in LA and then fly back to China.

"while we were waiting for the security check"
-just "waiting for the security check" is better.


overall, I think you should read aloud to check grammatical errors and revise the essay again. I hope this would help!

Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application-Genunine leader : Evaluate a significant experience [2]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Any suggestions! (grammatical errors, topic etc)
Thx :)

A mite of coldness in the morning air braced my body. I was standing on the stage. The auditorium was packed with about 1,000 students and teachers. No specific spotlight directed me but more glaring eyes fell on me. I held my breath with a parched mouth. The hands holding a speech paper trembled like an aspen leaf and turned pale. I tried to stare off into space but it made me more nervous and my whole world turned black. For a moment my eyes lighted on some of my friends who flashed a "thumbs-up" and wore warm smile. Soon their smile came to my lips and this warmth released the tension in the frozen face muscles. The glance soon wandered from my friends to others. I looked the crowds in the eye. Strangely their eyes reminded me of my momentary drained heartfelt words and ambition. Soon it melted away all of the tension. Instead the passion sprang afresh in my breasts and gushed out like a spring with my first words.

After few words I folded a speech paper and tried not to remember those words written in the paper but to frankly speak with my sincere words from the heart because I did merely hope not to acquaint crowds with my plan but to communicate with them by heating their hearts. My deep, strong and firm voice reverberated through the hall with much confidence. Earnest expressions on the crowd's face made me further engross into the interaction. At the end of the speech I showed my puzzle poster drawn by myself which lacks one piece. I appealed them that I arranged all pieces as drawn in poster to make perfect plan for students and school with my passion and belief but last piece had to be given by the crowds to complete the work. The last piece was their faith in me. As I finished my words, the crowds unexpectedly juiced up as if they were in the concert. Boiling ambition in the bottom of my heart finally burst out amidst hearty cheers. My face turned bright red. As I stepped down, my friends leaped at me saying "We had goose bumps all over during the speech. Almost the tears of impression sprang into eyes!" For a thrilled moment time seemed to stop in their bosom.

In the election, I was elected as a president of the student council by the highest overwhelming majority of votes. Regardless of the result, the speech was one of the unforgettable moment because it confirmed me once again that leader should communicate with people speaking out of one's heart to be in the people's faith. James Humes once said that the art of communication is the language of leadership. However, leader should not be a good speaker but a sincere speaker. I believe all heartfelt words lead to people's heart. As I got kick out of the interaction during the speech, I realized that leader's speech should move people's heart. For one-year term I did my best to be a genuine leader who can always communicate freely with people and who has warm heart, warm charisma sharing with other students and faith, the most important thing I felt truly through a position of the leader from the election to all of the duties.
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