Posts by sportybluei

sportybluei

Dec 24, 2009

Undergraduate / Williams essay; looking through a window at a significant environment [7]

No problem, I really enjoyed reading yours. Thank you for your thoughtful comments too. Do you think it's the third paragraph that needs more explicit details? And did you see any grammatical mistakes or awkward spots in the essay? :)

sportybluei

Dec 24, 2009

Undergraduate / Common app short answer; teaching assistant [2]

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

Any suggestions are welcome! :)

"Ms. Lee, can you teach the class?" Ms. Aoyagi asked. I awkwardly sat on the wooden stall in front of the class. All thirty eyes were clearly on me. Initially, it felt odd teaching people I would fool around with. However, as Ms. Aoyagi asked me to teach more often, I became more serious about my task. Now I constantly think about better ways to teach a material, for example, by creating fun games to engage the students. Sometimes, amazingly, my suggestions turn into main activities of the day.

Being a teaching assistant for the Japanese class has been a truly rewarding experience. I have learned how my day could be more exciting and productive, in school or in elsewhere, by being an active participant than being just an observer. I hope to contribute to the class by improving my Japanese first and coming up with new ideas for classroom activities.

sportybluei

Dec 24, 2009

Undergraduate / Williams essay; looking through a window at a significant environment [7]

Thank you both of you! Alex, I received a suggestion that I sholud elaborate more on how I dealt with being a new student. What do you think?

sportybluei

Dec 24, 2009

Undergraduate / My New "Job" / Odyssey of the Mind - Being A Big Sister, common apps essay (own topic) [5]

I actually like both of the essays. The first essay is really touching and shows you as a person. The second essay focuses on your most important activity of high school, and could definitely show your passion.

However what I would do to improve both of the essays are shortening the length, by focusing on the central main idea you want to convey to the readers. Because for right now, I have a hard time deciding which one is better, because both are really broad in terms of discussing your subjects, if you know what I mean. Also, for the second essay, you could explain further on what OM is in the introduction, because I was confused what the program was really all about.

Keep up with your good work! :)

sportybluei

Dec 24, 2009

Undergraduate / Stanford-Tutoring the Tudors-Intellectual Vitality [4]

By offering my time for the benefit of other students

It sounds like you're being generous. You could phrase it differently?

I have participated in a unique experience not provided in a standard high school education: the ability to teach others.

I have learned something not provided with would be better...

whether that sharing of information is a product of tutoring or excitement.

I had to read this several times. So tutoring=excitement, right? Try to make that clearer..

I like the idea of removing the fourth paragraph. It ties together the essay more. Good job! :)

sportybluei

Dec 24, 2009

Undergraduate / Williams "Looking through a window" Essay [3]

what I assume to be the unknown object

just an unknown object would be better

or majority is the world's minority

I think you meant, for majority here is the world's minority

I feel like there's too much repetition here of the idea of diversity.. Can you shorten this into maybe 4 5 sentences?

Our diversity serves as a catalyst for our success both during and beyond high school. A success no diamond can outshine.

Our diversity serves as a catalyst for our success both during and beyond high school, a success no diamond can outshine would be better

Your essay is really interesting!! :) keep it up!!

Would you mind reading mine? thanks.

sportybluei

Dec 24, 2009

Essays / Amherst applicants, do we have to refer to the quote in the essay? [4]

Like in the title, do we have to refer to the quote in the essay? (I know they told us we don't have to refer to the text from which the quote is taken..)

I'm using the #5- difficulty quote, and I feel like it'll be rather weird if I actually had the quote in the essay or if I directly referred to the quote in the essay.

This is the quote:
"Difficulty need not forshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."