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Posts by Akshat
Joined: Dec 22, 2009
Last Post: Dec 30, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 15  
From: India

Displayed posts: 17
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Akshat   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for Harvard, Yale, Stanford - What impression do you get? Is it arrogant? [14]

Though I cannot find grammatical error in your essay!!

I get the feeling that you want to be an American more than you want to study in America... and adcoms would not look at that sympathetically according to me!!

This essay is dripping with why America suits you... if I were you I would not advocate why I want to be an American (even though I share your aspirations too!)!!

Roraig...you are an exceptional writer...I have seen that in your comments...but I am highly doubtful of this essay!!

I am sorry to be harsh...but I would want you to write another essay if you can!!

If you think that my points are totally baseless then scrap it immediately!!

No hard feelings!!

Oh and I hate myself for writing this (because you helped me so much!) but could you please recheck my revised Yale essay!!
Akshat   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "I hope to envision, to design and to execute" - Cornell - Why Engineering [12]

Hey Raphael

The essay looks very scholastic and proper...

As for Roraig's feedback... I think the third paragraph is the only superfluous part...and only the third para has the capacity to lose the audience!

If you can...then shorten the third para a bit...rather than boasting about your accomplishments...add a few more points for why Cornell!!

I'd like to restate...that I liked your essay very much!!

Oh and if you are free could you check my revised version for Yale supplement essay!?!?
Akshat   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

Simrath...revamping it is a good idea...but don't lose the essence of the essay!!...I told you it was long...but the concept works!!

The light thing is too philosophical!! And the fact that you are starting with the light does not bode well!!

I'd say lose all the philosophy...be straight to the point...be concrete rather than abstract...and still don't lose the personality!!

Damn that just sounds like empty words...but I truly mean what I said!!...I cannot tell you what 'exactly' to cut...or keep...you'd have to see what is more important for you!!

Simrath...I know you have a lot on your plate but could you check out my Activity esaay...it is just 150 words...whenever you are free!! (btw ironically...I am a bit abstract in that essay) :D.I too am applying to all the colleges you have listed!!
Akshat   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Duke Supplement Essay - Why Engineering and why Duke [3]

Dude...the essay is too generic...If I change Duke to Cornell or CMU or any other college...the essay would still hold true!!

Personalize it if you can...My Duke supplement was dripping blue...and full of Duke Duke Duke!!...and very less about me!! The total opposite of you!!

I hope this helps!!

Best Of Luck
Akshat   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Activity Essay : Splash or Mozart Vs Beethoven? [7]

My first draft for my activity essay....
Prompt:"Please briefly elaborate (150 words or fewer) on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experiences).

SPLASH is the password.

A simple 'splash' teleports me from the nerve-racking diving board to the soothing water of the swimming pool. A 'splash' engulfs me into the babbling pool making me oblivious of the intimidating noises surrounding me. The instant I am in the pool I am assured that I am in my world. The musical silence that surrounds me in the pool is my Beethoven . My Beethoven catalyzes my focus. The only thing I can see is the white-tiled 'finish' wall. I dolphin kick my way towards the wall, still engrossed in my music but the moment I touch the wall and look around and notice that I am the first one there, my Beethoven strands me and all I can hear is the never-ending cheers of my team, shouting 'THREE CHEERS FOR THE CAPTAIN!!' These cheers are my Mozart, and I have always preferred Mozart more than Beethoven.

______________________________________________________________________ ____________
What say???? Is it very vague???...I am 2 words above the limit!!!
Any titles??

Any comment would be greatly appreciated!! SHRED THE ESSAY INTO PIECES IF YOU MUST!!
Please reply asap!!!

Akshat Niranjan
Akshat   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Fictional Character... Dreams Are My Nuts and Bolts!! [15]

...OK..But I liked the starting!!...Abel do you think I should tone the names down to something stupid like The Da Vinci Code...or Harry Potter...or Lord Of the Rings???????...would that amke any difference??

I think the names add more character and personality....

What say??
Akshat   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn Teacher's Autobiography '...with a loud bang, I toppled a pile of books' [5]

...with a loud bang, I toppled a pile of books, as I crashed to the ground. Even after twenty years of teaching in the same classroom it seemed as though I was as much klutz now as I was as a teenager. Some of my students giggled at my comical fall, a brief reprieve from studying for the impeding doom-a quiz on the Mexican-American war. Slowly, I straightened myself up, fixing my crooked tie and ignoringignored the mound of toppled books. The next lesson was the connection between the Mexican-American war and the eventual civil war, an interesting subject for the teacher, but perhaps not so much for an AP U.S. history student.

The ringing of the class bell signaledThe class bell rang signaling the end of the students' last minute cramming and the beginning of not only a quiz, but the most drastic change I had made to my curriculum and my students historical experience.Vague!!

"Ok, let's start passing in the quizzes, we've got to start moving 'coz I've got something special for you today." From the back of the class I heard someone ask "you brought donuts for us, again?," my usual form of bribery. "Nope, I brought something even better" I exclaimed. In response I heard a collective groan. As papers shuffled, it looked like the class was getting ready for lecture and notes once again. How I had fooled the poor things! In the back of the classroom I began to open a box marked "HATS," or maybe even better put "imagination caps." In musty cardboard were a slew of straw hats and top hats, military caps and factory caps. These were quite literally thinking caps and were essentially the cheapest financial investment, financially, in the classroom. A few curious students strained their neck to see if I had tripped over a projector cord again or left the classroom. Little did they know this was the beginning of their education-their real education.

I handed out the hats with trepidation; through my head I heard my anxiety echo "Will it work? If this fails, what will my students think of me?" The class shifted nervously in their seats, waiting to hear why they had strange hats in front of them instead of the more ubiquitous and feared AP US history textbook.

I slowly stepped to the front of the class and explained "these hats signify an individual who lived during the Mexican-American war. Each hat has its own history. Each hat belonged to a person, a child of a different background and race, but with a common dream-survival." Some of the kids stared quizzically into my face, like a deerdeers in headlights. I attempted to clarify, "The stories are not written, at least not yet. You will write the hat's histories because the hat's stories are your stories."

A student's hand immediately shot up, "Mr. Bhat, could you tell us how we will be graded on this assignment." This was getting interesting. I spoke with more conviction "You will not be graded, at least not on the scale you are used to. This will be different; you will be given a chance to present your hat and its story to the class and exchange hats with your peers. If your peer can successfully play the role of your hat for a week you will pass, if they can't you will unfortunately have to take a quiz on the Mexican-American war."

My students were used donuts and disaster, not an assignment that mixed imagination and intellect. But, luckily my class was not only quick at learning, they were enthusiastic. Several of the kids began collaborating on story lines that involved all of their hats and even a history textbook. Even II too joined in, picking a hat of my own and designing a storyline with several students. As I scanned the classroom, I knew I had done something right; long gone was the klutz, now he was replaced by someone a bit more respectable-a teacher. Then the bell rang...

I couldn't find more errors in my first read...will look again later!!!The material is good....I too am doing the future because the autobiography is 33 pages...and they asked for the 217th page....I guess everyone would be doing the same!!
Akshat   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

I was hapless.
The sheer awe immersed my mind when I first saw a BK virus infected kidney. The kind of "yellowish hapless"

don't use two haplesses so close together!!

Is hapless your favorite word??? three haplesses in one essay!!

Anyways...the essay material is very good...

The only negative I can think of is that it is a bit too long...it does get a bit dry and then you pick the reader back on the essay!!...but I doubt if you can shorten the length!!

Good...needs a bit of final tweaking!!!

Oh and could you help me on mine???...
Akshat   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Fictional Character... Dreams Are My Nuts and Bolts!! [15]

If it was not for Santiago I would never have gotten over my fears, I would never have joined the Dramatics Club and eventually would not have joined the Debating Club. In short if it wasn't for The Alchemist I would not have learnt how to dream...I would not have been 'me'...

Doesn't this seem to informal and abrupt???

Oh and the allusions are not in an overdose right???

would get rid of things!!

HOW??

Then Santiago came into the picture and reading about the adversities that Santiago had to face and his undeterred grit to realize his dreams forced me to put everything in perspective and then the glossophobia seemed slightly trivial to overcome.

I SHOULD EXPAND THIS???

Thanks for the help!!!
Akshat   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Fictional Character... Dreams Are My Nuts and Bolts!! [15]

The boy's name was Santiago...

On the top most shelf of my bookcase, just between J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye and Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice, lays the tattered remains of my first novel. The pages have turned yellow with time, the cover has faded to muddled orange and black patches but the story is still etched in my mind. It took a 177 page novel and a Spanish shepherd to teach me how to dream.

The Alchemist's plot has a sinusoidal relation with me. There are instances when the story seems like a fairy tale and there are moments when I think Paulo Coelho was indirectly writing just for me.

The story is about Santiago, an Andalusian shepherd boy who has a recurrent dream of a treasure buried near the Pyramids... From his home in Spain he journeys to the markets of Tangiers and into the Egyptian desert... He faces many adversities. From thieves to thirst-inducing deserts to unpredictable tribal wars...but is eventually paid for his grit and ordeal with the treasure...

Every word of the previous paragraph is diametrically opposite to my life yet this magical fable is all about me. My dreams are enormous and almost on the verge of being utopian. I am a self-proclaimed dreamer. Daydreams are my only companion during the occasional soporific lecture. My dreams vary from petty things like 'a perfect dinner (?)' to something as crucial as 'a perfect future (?)'.

Dreams were a part of me much before I traveled with Santiago to the Pyramids and dreams are still the nuts and bolts of my identity. The only thing that Santiago has changed is my definition of 'dream'. For me, my dreams were just a portal to an alternate world where everything was as perfect as I wanted them to be. Dreams for me were just ...dreams...fantastical and surreal!!

Santiago taught me how to dream. Weaving a dream is just the beginning. A dream is only complete when you actualize it. Dreams are not those that you see while asleep, dreams are what keep you from sleeping.

I was 12 year old when I met Santiago and my biggest dream then was of performing drama (?). My first theatrical performance started with me forgetting my line and ended with me running down the stage two minutes later. It is needless to say that dramatics was not exactly my cup of tea. Yet whenever I passed through my school's dramatics club, I would invariable end up dreaming of giving such a performance that I end up with an Oscar! (In my defense I did warn that my dreams were utopian) Realistically, I had succumbed to my stage fright and had involuntarily decided to ignore my dream.

Then Santiago came into the picture and reading about the adversities that Santiago had to face and his undeterred grit to realize his dreams forced me to put everything in perspective and then the glossophobia seemed slightly trivial to overcome.

I did eventually perform but I did not win an Oscar. I even ended up being a member of the school's Dramatics Club for four years and also helped in directing a school production.

In retrospect, my getting over the glossophobia not only catalyzed my dramatics but also eventually helped in my debating.

If it was not for Santiago I would never have gotten over my fears, I would never have joined the Dramatics Club and eventually would not have joined the Debating Club. In short if it wasn't for The Alchemist I would not have learnt how to dream...I would not have been 'me'...

...Because now he knew where his treasure was.

So how is it??? My first draft...and my first post ever...and a proper title...if you can come up with one!

Plus I feel a few glitches...where I have marked a (?)...

Is it very informal??? I just wanted it to be me!
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