Undergraduate / Williams supplement - A Trivial Conversation [5]

dramacratic - Whoa! I guess in the midst of my editing, I somehow forgot the "be" :P How embarassing!
Actually, about the last part...I was having trouble with it. I don't really like it because as you pointed out, it's cliche. I'm going to have a good look at it tomorrow because I wrote that after writing 2837592 other responses so I'm a bit drained haha :P

Oh, thanks for pointing out that "Excitement" part! Now that I read over it, it really does not flow well at all :( Fixing it won't be too arduous of a task though. (Well, I hope)

The reason why she didn't know I was Japanese was because it was the first day I really spent with my host family (technically, it's the second, but the first day was basically minimal talking + everyone was tired = unpack, shower, eat, sleep) and I only spoke in English before. :) I should probably clarify the beginning part to clear up confusion.

I'll read yours tomorrow...I mean, later today because it's currently 2:53 AM, my time :P

Thank you so, so much for the suggestions!

cucciola21 - I agree on the cliche and the lacking comment. I feel the same way haha. I'm really glad you liked it though! Well, I was actually having trouble with the "looking out a window" prompt so I was reading over the responses other people had and quite a few of them didn't mention a window at all! I'm hoping that they'll infer it's a sort of window-to-the-past thing, but if not, I'll just add in something about that (although hopefully not as corny sounding) tomorrow. Thank you so much :)!

Undergraduate / Williams supplement - A Trivial Conversation [5]

Ahhh, I'm sending this in tomorrow (well, actually today since it's past midnight)...is anyone willing to help me? :(

Undergraduate / "healing power of spontaneity" - NYU Supplement [8]


I liked it, but you need to be more specific. This really doesn't answer the question; it's a vague response, but I like the way you wrote it haha...all I did was basically list a bunch of things I did :)

Undergraduate / Tufts - Self-expression [5]

Hi, Changan! Thank you so much for reading...I'm currently fixing up my supplement and I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind!

Undergraduate / "I posses innovation, drive, and dedication" - Why Swarthmore? [2]

I think the second paragraph has to be better organized...for some reason, I feel like it jumps from one thing to another.

The striking contrast of black, white, and red in the viewbook was my first encounter with Swarthmore. However, as I discovered Swarthmore, family history came alive. Swarthmore is the green campus my grandmother remembers from growing up in Drexel Hill. My great-grandfather and his family sat in silence at Friend's Meetings in Lansdowne; he is buried in the Friend's cemetery there. My grandfather, on a different side of the family, grew up in Chester and my mother was born in Springfield. I never would have known this rich history without Swarthmore College. <- don't really need that part, I think :) you basically explained that through the second sentence.

Unlike my ancestors, my own upbringing has not been concentrated in one area. I was conceived in China, born in Nebraska, and have lived in Mexico on two occasions. Despite these facts, I am not fluent in Chinese or Spanish. I want this to change and Swarthmore College has the language program I wish to learn from. I have discovered from interviews that Swarthmore professors are literal wellsprings of knowledge and personal experience. I am captivated by Alan Berkowitz, your Chinese professor. My interests lie in international relations; Swarthmore's International Relations program is world renown. These programs are the specific, concrete reasons for my interest. <- it's self-explanatory that these are your reasons (why else would you include them?)

My motives expand far beyond the concrete. I live in rural Nebraska; a wholly Republican, conservative, religious, and agricultural society. These characteristics are not inherently negative, but in conjunction, can suffocate the new and unusual. Swarthmore attracts me because I sense a progressive environment where my ideas will be more than a single voice fighting the wind, but college where individuality, creativity, and social awareness are nurtured. (the latter part doesn't seem to make sense?) I crave an atmosphere where people labor to cultivate an equal society, protect the environment, and question set standards. As a college, Swarthmore does just that. GPAs are not the highlight of the college experience; legitimate learning is the focus. Swarthmore's size guarantees access to professors. Okay the last sentence is good because it gives a reason why you're attracted to Swarthmore, but it seems random and not connected to the rest of the paragraph... :(

Personal growth is also fostered through student organizations. <-line is kind of random. There's no transition into this.Mock Trial dominated months of my high school career, as I pored over affidavits and formulated cross examination questions. I have competed at state and national levelsand believe that competing at the collegiate level would be an exquisite challenge. As for the student activist organizations, I am overwhelmed. I am an avid vegetarian, have helped to organize Earth Day in my home town, and have attended marches to protest the infringement of Native American rights. The breadth and depth of the organizations is inspiring; I could see myself spearheading efforts on behalf of Amnesty International, the Animal Rights Coalition, and Earthlust.

Be more specific about this paragraph...it just seems like a list of organizations so far. What exactly did you find inspiring? Why do you want to continue this in college?

From great to small, Swarthmore is enchanting and where I wish to call home for the next four years. The graduates are dazzling, the students unique, and the more one learns, the more there is to love. Initially, I knew that Swarthmore attracted me as a school. Now, Swarthmore has grabbed my heart as thecollege of my dreams and the home of my ancestors, a society of caring and motivated intellectuals that I desperately want to join. I see in Swarthmore the tools to sculpt students into pioneers of the future. I possess innovation, drive, and dedication. I offer the raw materials and hope for the tools I need to create a masterpiece.

I'm not too fond of the last sentence...it can work, but it needs to be fixed a little bit.

Overall, I liked reading your essay...I really liked how you tied in your family history and your own background. I just think it needs a little work, but I think you did a good job!

Undergraduate / Tufts - Self-expression [5]

I'll take the first sentence out. I really like the sentence you added! I think it adds a little humor :) I also know that I'm extremely verbose haha...should I make it more concise?

I also really like your last suggestion!

Thank you so much! Your suggestions were very helpful...and I'm on my way to look over yours :)

Undergraduate / why tufts - strong psychology department [6]

I think the second to last sentence is a bit too long and as poisonivy said, it can get a little tiring...but I think it'd work if you shortened it a bit. Another suggestion I have is to transition from the peers laughing sentence to the my home for the next four years sentence only because I know what you're getting at (the whole peers at your school not understanding you, but your Tufts peers will, etc), but it's just a little abrupt in my opinion.

Overall though, I thought it was good :)! Good job!

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS - The Fantastic Theatrical Five-Year-Old [9]

I agree with c0llegeb0und...I think it would be great if you added in a sentence or two about your more recent theater experiences so the admission officer reading this can get a sense of your transformation over the years and how far you've come along.

One thing I would fix is


I don't think the parentheses are necessary :)

Also, for the first sentence of the last paragraph, I don't think "innocuous" is the right term...because it basically means harmless and I don't think that's what you were going for. I might be wrong though.

Overall, I really liked this because it made me smile...it was cute (in a good way) and unique :)

Undergraduate / an excellent liberal arts education and the choice - Cornell CAS Essay [4]

Oh, thank you so much! I'm actually relieved that you pointed out the last paragraph because I really dislike my last paragraph and it irked me to no end because even though I don't like it, I didn't know what I wanted to do to make it better so I just left it alone.

Again, thank you so much for reading and commenting (:!