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Posts by applesandtea
Joined: Dec 27, 2009
Last Post: Dec 29, 2009
Threads: 3
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Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Williams supplement - A Trivial Conversation [5]

dramacratic - Whoa! I guess in the midst of my editing, I somehow forgot the "be" :P How embarassing!
Actually, about the last part...I was having trouble with it. I don't really like it because as you pointed out, it's cliche. I'm going to have a good look at it tomorrow because I wrote that after writing 2837592 other responses so I'm a bit drained haha :P

Oh, thanks for pointing out that "Excitement" part! Now that I read over it, it really does not flow well at all :( Fixing it won't be too arduous of a task though. (Well, I hope)

The reason why she didn't know I was Japanese was because it was the first day I really spent with my host family (technically, it's the second, but the first day was basically minimal talking + everyone was tired = unpack, shower, eat, sleep) and I only spoke in English before. :) I should probably clarify the beginning part to clear up confusion.

I'll read yours tomorrow...I mean, later today because it's currently 2:53 AM, my time :P

Thank you so, so much for the suggestions!

cucciola21 - I agree on the cliche and the lacking comment. I feel the same way haha. I'm really glad you liked it though! Well, I was actually having trouble with the "looking out a window" prompt so I was reading over the responses other people had and quite a few of them didn't mention a window at all! I'm hoping that they'll infer it's a sort of window-to-the-past thing, but if not, I'll just add in something about that (although hopefully not as corny sounding) tomorrow. Thank you so much :)!
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Williams supplement - A Trivial Conversation [5]

My response is a little over 300, but hopefully it won't matter too much? Also, I know I used improper English later, but it's intentional so please don't fix that part! :)

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

I wanted to thank my host mother, but my mouth felt dry as a cotton swab. I have always dreamed of conversing with a native Japanese speaker to improve my Japanese, but as I faced her, I feared I would appear foolish. Arigatou gozaimasu. Thank you very much. It flowed like a gentle stream of water; at least, that's how Japanese sounded to me. Maybe I shouldn't say it. I could using the wrong honorifics. But my host mother smiled warmly, making courage surge in me.

"A-Arigatou gozaimasu," I shyly stuttered, staring at the snacks in front of me. I noticed one of my favorite snacks. "Yakuruto! Oishii (delicious)!" I quickly glancing up, curious to see her reaction.

Her face lit up, a twinkle dancing in her dark eyes. "You speak Japanese!" she cried in wonder. "Are you Japanese?" she asked, her eyebrows lifting.

"Gomen nasai (I'm sorry)..." I switched to English. "I'm Korean."

Excitement rather than disappointment etched into her face. She stood up suddenly, dashing to the closet. She returned with several magazines, pointing to a cover excitedly. "You know...?"

"Yon-sama?" I referred to the term Japanese fans used for Bae Yong Joon, an influential Korean actor.

"Yes! I love him!" She quickly asked me another question. "Do you eat kimuchi? I mean kimchi. I pronounced right? My son loves it!" I nodded. "I buy kimuchi for you when we go to supermarket."

It was a trivial conversation, but I still remember it. We were able to share our cultures, something I hope to do at Williams with fellow students. Language barriers did not matter. However, I love learning languages and hope that after learning Japanese, I can go back and say, "Tadaima (I'm back home)!" and be able to converse freely with my Japanese host family who graciously welcomed me into their home two years ago.
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "healing power of spontaneity" - NYU Supplement [8]

Last summer was a time for me to reconnect with the simple beauties in life.

I liked it, but you need to be more specific. This really doesn't answer the question; it's a vague response, but I like the way you wrote it haha...all I did was basically list a bunch of things I did :)
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts - Self-expression [5]

Hi, Changan! Thank you so much for reading...I'm currently fixing up my supplement and I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind!
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "I posses innovation, drive, and dedication" - Why Swarthmore? [2]

I think the second paragraph has to be better organized...for some reason, I feel like it jumps from one thing to another.

The striking contrast of black, white, and red in the viewbook was my first encounter with Swarthmore. However, as I discovered Swarthmore, family history came alive. Swarthmore is the green campus my grandmother remembers from growing up in Drexel Hill. My great-grandfather and his family sat in silence at Friend's Meetings in Lansdowne; he is buried in the Friend's cemetery there. My grandfather, on a different side of the family, grew up in Chester and my mother was born in Springfield. I never would have known this rich history without Swarthmore College. <- don't really need that part, I think :) you basically explained that through the second sentence.

Unlike my ancestors, my own upbringing has not been concentrated in one area. I was conceived in China, born in Nebraska, and have lived in Mexico on two occasions. Despite these facts, I am not fluent in Chinese or Spanish. I want this to change and Swarthmore College has the language program I wish to learn from. I have discovered from interviews that Swarthmore professors are literal wellsprings of knowledge and personal experience. I am captivated by Alan Berkowitz, your Chinese professor. My interests lie in international relations; Swarthmore's International Relations program is world renown. These programs are the specific, concrete reasons for my interest. <- it's self-explanatory that these are your reasons (why else would you include them?)

My motives expand far beyond the concrete. I live in rural Nebraska; a wholly Republican, conservative, religious, and agricultural society. These characteristics are not inherently negative, but in conjunction, can suffocate the new and unusual. Swarthmore attracts me because I sense a progressive environment where my ideas will be more than a single voice fighting the wind, but college where individuality, creativity, and social awareness are nurtured. (the latter part doesn't seem to make sense?) I crave an atmosphere where people labor to cultivate an equal society, protect the environment, and question set standards. As a college, Swarthmore does just that. GPAs are not the highlight of the college experience; legitimate learning is the focus. Swarthmore's size guarantees access to professors. Okay the last sentence is good because it gives a reason why you're attracted to Swarthmore, but it seems random and not connected to the rest of the paragraph... :(

Personal growth is also fostered through student organizations. <-line is kind of random. There's no transition into this.Mock Trial dominated months of my high school career, as I pored over affidavits and formulated cross examination questions. I have competed at state and national levelsand believe that competing at the collegiate level would be an exquisite challenge. As for the student activist organizations, I am overwhelmed. I am an avid vegetarian, have helped to organize Earth Day in my home town, and have attended marches to protest the infringement of Native American rights. The breadth and depth of the organizations is inspiring; I could see myself spearheading efforts on behalf of Amnesty International, the Animal Rights Coalition, and Earthlust.

Be more specific about this paragraph...it just seems like a list of organizations so far. What exactly did you find inspiring? Why do you want to continue this in college?

From great to small, Swarthmore is enchanting and where I wish to call home for the next four years. The graduates are dazzling, the students unique, and the more one learns, the more there is to love. Initially, I knew that Swarthmore attracted me as a school. Now, Swarthmore has grabbed my heart as thecollege of my dreams and the home of my ancestors, a society of caring and motivated intellectuals that I desperately want to join. I see in Swarthmore the tools to sculpt students into pioneers of the future. I possess innovation, drive, and dedication. I offer the raw materials and hope for the tools I need to create a masterpiece.

I'm not too fond of the last sentence...it can work, but it needs to be fixed a little bit.

Overall, I liked reading your essay...I really liked how you tied in your family history and your own background. I just think it needs a little work, but I think you did a good job!
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts - Self-expression [5]

I'll take the first sentence out. I really like the sentence you added! I think it adds a little humor :) I also know that I'm extremely verbose haha...should I make it more concise?

I also really like your last suggestion!

Thank you so much! Your suggestions were very helpful...and I'm on my way to look over yours :)
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts - Self-expression [5]

Ackkk, overall, I'm fine with my Tufts supplement except for my response to this one question...I wanted to juxtapose my interests in my response, but I don't know if this made my response extremely choppy...so if anyone can help me out, I'd definitely appreciate it!

2. Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014?

It is difficult to explain who I am in 200 words because the ways I express myself and my interests vary widely. I am loud and passionate; I am timid and tranquil. I enjoy spending time with friends; I enjoy being in my own world. Banksy's "There is Always Hope" moves me, but so does Pierre-Auguste Cot's "Le Printemps." Graphic t-shirts, jeans, and Nike Dunks reflect my upbeat, passionate personality, but the timeless elegance of Oscar de la Renta, Giorgio Armani, and Yves Saint Laurent also captivates me. I do not play sports, but I am passionate about soccer. I grew up listening to rap as a child, but I also grew up playing classical on the piano. The list can go on, but if I had to choose one word that would best describe myself, it would be "paradox."

As a "paradox" with varying tastes and interests, I hope to introduce different things I enjoy to fellow classmates and at the same time, learn about other forms of expression and interests that I an unfamiliar with. I hope I will be able to add my own individual voice to the class of 2014 while learning from the voices of other Tufts students.
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / why tufts - strong psychology department [6]

I think the second to last sentence is a bit too long and as poisonivy said, it can get a little tiring...but I think it'd work if you shortened it a bit. Another suggestion I have is to transition from the peers laughing sentence to the my home for the next four years sentence only because I know what you're getting at (the whole peers at your school not understanding you, but your Tufts peers will, etc), but it's just a little abrupt in my opinion.

Overall though, I thought it was good :)! Good job!
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell CAS - The Fantastic Theatrical Five-Year-Old [9]

I agree with c0llegeb0und...I think it would be great if you added in a sentence or two about your more recent theater experiences so the admission officer reading this can get a sense of your transformation over the years and how far you've come along.

One thing I would fix is

Clad in black leggings, grimy white sneakers, and an oversized grey sweatshirt, I strode to the edge of the stage and planted my feet. I took a deep breath, pushed my bowl-cut out of my (still very wide) eyes, and bellowed out my couplet in my very best stage voice.

I don't think the parentheses are necessary :)

Also, for the first sentence of the last paragraph, I don't think "innocuous" is the right term...because it basically means harmless and I don't think that's what you were going for. I might be wrong though.

Overall, I really liked this because it made me smile...it was cute (in a good way) and unique :)
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / an excellent liberal arts education and the choice - Cornell CAS Essay [4]

Oh, thank you so much! I'm actually relieved that you pointed out the last paragraph because I really dislike my last paragraph and it irked me to no end because even though I don't like it, I didn't know what I wanted to do to make it better so I just left it alone.

Again, thank you so much for reading and commenting (:!
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / an excellent liberal arts education and the choice - Cornell CAS Essay [4]

Hi, I'm new here! I just happened to find this amazing site after looking up sites on Google after getting stuck on some prompts for college applications. Anyway, I decided to give this a shot so here's my essay for Cornell :D.

Essay Question: College of Arts and Sciences: (max # of words: 500. I have 463)
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

I was in my own world, hypnotized by the enticing words in front of me when an impatient, irritated sigh interrupted my thoughts. Foolishly, I chose to ignore it, hoping that I would be left alone. I should have known better. After all, from whom did I inherit my persistence from? It certainly did not come from my easygoing, laid-back father.

"Stop reading and eat," my mother scolded, pushing my bowl of steaming seaweed soup, a traditional Korean dish, in front of me and firmly removing the book from my grasp. Before I could open my mouth to complain, her stern eyes bore into me. "I know you're going to say that you can eat and read at the same time." Her strict composure cracked as her lips twitched into a quick smile that turned into a chuckle. "But trust me, I've seen you try and all you do is read. You love books too much."

I did not reply because it was the truth. My love for books started when I was too young to remember exactly when I first held up a book and became enraptured. As I grew older, my passion for literature increased and my thoughts grew more complex. My reactions changed from "Why is Opal Koboi so annoying? Can't she just disappear?" to "Why does J.D. Salinger's use of stream of consciousness make me feel as if I know Holden?" I found myself fascinated not only with the worlds within the pages of a novel or lines of a poem, but with the styles and techniques of the authors as well.

As a result, selecting English as my anticipated major was natural, seeing as I hope to explore literature in depth and grow as a reader and writer. I believe that I can accomplish this at Cornell University where I will be provided the opportunities I need to further my knowledge of literature. The variety of stimulating courses that Cornell's English department offers such as the required First-Year Writing Seminars, Culture and Politics of the 1960s, and Introduction to African American Literature among others will allow me to delve into my interest in English while exploring other interests I have such as law, culture, and ethnic studies.

Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences is appealing in that it is known for giving students an excellent liberal arts education and the choice and flexibility they need to develop their knowledge in subjects they are interested in. Ezra Cornell once stated that he "would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study." I strongly believe that by I will be able to do so through the College of Arts and Sciences and the numerous courses, student organizations, and other opportunities that only Cornell University can provide.