Posts by birthdayattackr

birthdayattackr

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / "Something you secretly like, but pretend not to" prompt----UVA: Stuffed animals [7]

Haha, that sounds good.

In any case, thanks! I'm glad I could help :). Good luck with the applications!

birthdayattackr

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "apply it to society" - Stanford Essay Questions [11]

Yes, the design wasn't actually going to government headquarters , but what if it were ?

Then I had an epiphany word choice is weird - why were we designing this?

Personally, I like it a lot more. It is a bit over the top in some places (in my opinion), but I think you've definitely made a step in the right direction. One thing that I'm a bit unclear on - the F22 raptor is already in existence, correct? So, you're making a model of it using 3D (CAD?) software? If so, maybe you should say that a bit more explicitly - that part confused me a bit.

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay - Catapult Creation [6]

unique and one of a kind

Sort of redundant... (actually, they mean exactly the same thing)

a relatively sloppily cut plastic water bottle

Personally, I don't like your use of "relatively" there - doesn't add much

PUD: Power for the Future

What's PUD?

I decided to make the spring out of an old rust colored bungee cord. In order to make each throw precise (word choice!) , I glued on a protractor to the vertical curtain rod, so that I could measure how far I pulled back the throwing arm and documented how far the ball flew.

I think you go too much into detail here. Maybe not though - that's just my view.

Because of that experience I was able to find my true passion of engineering and believe that Cornell is the best place to pursue this career path.

What specifically about the experience? It seems like you did a lot of things!

End is sort of cliche, I think, but it *is* related to the essay

I think overall this is an okay essay. It could be great, but I think you need to rework how you treat this event. I can't pin it down exactly, but the bang of the essay seems to be missing.

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / South Korea, Malaysia, and United States - the world you come from [3]

In ~~contrary~~ contrast
, Korean culture values social conformity. It is expected that one individual to give up their private individual trait in respect for the unity of group.

I see that there is just no one ~~right~~ correct social standard or expectation.

I know that no one culture is the standard model to subject all others.

awkward... Maybe say, "I know that no one culture is "standard.""

You address the prompt here, which is (always) good. It feels a little quotidian, but I think it's fine.

Since you're applying to MIT (I presume...), could you read my essay and tell me what you think?

Also, Malaysia is awesome! So much cool stuff :)

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / MIT - Department of intrest [5]

I tried to talk about that a little in the first two sentences. Of course, I want to add more on this essay, but the 100 word limit makes it very hard!

I wasn't sure how to address this prompt, as it's ambiguous - it could be interpreted as a question about why you like what you like, or why you like MIT, and I tried to address both questions. Do other people doing this prompt have any suggestions?

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / MIT - Department of intrest [5]

MIT Department of Interest

If you saw my previous thread - sorry, I had no idea how to delete threads (I think only mods can?)

In any case, here's my new essay. It's 7 words over the limit - any suggestions for cutting a few words? General comments are also good!

I have always liked math. It necessitates rich, analytical thinking, combining many elementary concepts to create complicated problems. And so, when I first encountered programming in the 6th grade, it felt very familiar: I used a set of basic commands to create a functional program. Yet, computer science is more than just programming, and its relationship with mathematics is deeper, often drawing on mathematics for solutions to problems, such as the "RSA" encryption algorithm (created at MIT), which uses properties of prime numbers to securely link two computers. MIT's Electrical Engineering and Computer Science department capitalizes on these related fields with MIT's emphasis on a broad education.

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "apply it to society" - Stanford Essay Questions [11]

I do think you described an experience, but I have the same criticism for you that a friend gave me on this essay: you focus too much on the background. Of course, background is good and necessary, but you leave your moment of greatness a mere two sentences in your essay! I think you should try and go over more of your thought process, and show that to the reader. Show you this was truly YOUR idea, and that it was creative/inventive!

Good luck!

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "Something you secretly like, but pretend not to" prompt----UVA: Stuffed animals [7]

Sorry for the double post, but I just saw your "I hate my introductory sentence thing"

I like it a lot, actually. Perhaps what you could do though, is add a list of things he was made of:

At the age of four, my best friend's name was Slush, and he was made of cotton, __ fabric, etc. .

(obviously, do not put the etc. part)

It'd even be kind of cool if you did some sort of "percent composition" thing - 85% cotton, 10% fabric, 3% plastic, and 2%...well, who knows.

But that might be a bit over the top

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "Something you secretly like, but pretend not to" prompt----UVA: Stuffed animals [7]

Personally, I do not think any admissions officer is going to realize that you wrote more than 250 words.

Anyways, your introduction is very good. You set up a nice image, in my head, anyways, of your fun with your stuffed animals as a child, and your transitions are smooth, even though you're talking about different temporal places.

You have a good argument as to why you like your dog, and why you keep it a secret.

Nice essay!

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Library, books, socializing - MIT significant challenge, help, comment, correct [2]

By simply talking to knew people, sharing my world with others I once again found the real me.

The one thing you might want to think about is how your portray this as a challenge. Obviously, not having many friends is something that nobody wants, but from your essay, it seems as if you got along just fine without friends, so it seems kind of unmotivated as to why you wanted friends...do you get what I am saying?

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / MIT - Department of intrest [5]

Prompt: Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why?

Edit: I'm in the process of making a new essay, since I found some issues in the one that was here...hang tight! (in other news, I have yet to figure out how to delete a thread)

What do you think? Any comments welcome!

birthdayattackr

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "spirit for adventure" - Stanford--What should your roommate know? [5]

I think your essay is good. You do a good job of portraying your active character to the reader - I can feel your personality. I'm not sure if it's their intention that your essay is directed at your hypothetical future roommate, but I do think that adds to the impact of the essay.

I'd say, good job with this, and good luck getting in at Stanford!

birthdayattackr

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App. Essay (Lab research experience and its impact on me) [2]

1) I think this can be catagorized under the significant experience, &c topic.
2) My Thoughts (which can be disregarded at will)

I think that your CENS thing is kind of background to your actual idea, which is more elusive. I guess the one thing that I'm not sure about is how well your essay shows the impact of anything on you (so perhaps that category is not the best). You kind of talk about two mildly related things (your future and CENS), but I guess I would have liked to see more of the impact/effects of the CENS thing on you. Perhaps this is only because I want this essay to be categorized the way I do, but I'm not sure. From your title of the thread, I think that you want this essay to be about the impact that your research experience has on you, and essentially, I think you need to make that connection stronger.

I like your prose though. Fun to read.

birthdayattackr

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / math, science, or engineering, CalTech Interest Essay [3]

Prompt: Interest in math, science, or engineering manifests itself in many forms. Caltech professor and Nobel Laureate Richard Feynman(1918-1988) explained, 'I'd make a motor, I'd make a gadget that would go off when something passed a photocell, I'd play around with selenium'; he was exploring his interest in science, as he put it, by 'piddling around all the time.' In a page, more or less, tell the Admissions Committee how you express your interest, curiosity, or excitement about math, science or engineering.

Here, I have reproduced a (potential) paragraph of mine for this:

Similar to the teenaged male's undying love of food, I have a strong passion for learning, which is evidenced in my academic life. When it is time to sign up for the next year's courses, I am always excited at all the opportunities I have to take classes which greatly interest me. Unlike most students, I had satisfied many of my school's science and math requirements, and was therefore free to take classes of my liking, as opposed to being mandated to take them. As such, this year, I elected to take two science classes at my school, but also chose to take a math class and a computer science class at the [a university you don't get to know...]. While some of my friends have expressed their opinions that my decision is suicidal, I do not see my schedule in that way at all. Instead, I look forward to my classes because I enjoy the subject matter. <expand...>

I know some of the wording is rough and it's not done, but my question is:
Do you think this is too much like bragging? It's hard to talk about academics in this regard without bragging to an extent, but that's not what I'm trying to do - any thoughts/suggestions on that? Or general comments/critiques - those are always good, too.

Thanks!