Zlop
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / STANFORD INTELLECTUALLY ENGAGED ESSAY [5]
roal my advice to you is to be explicit.
Although your essay does show your interest in the nature of faith and religion; it lacks you desire to learn about the matter. In fact it can imply that you do not want to learn about it.
Furthermore this part of the essay may show a bit of arrogance in you. Although it is good to show what you think about somthing, having a generalization or conclusion of the matter can make you look naive.
After all have you ever studied the nature of religions in-depth or have investigated about why religions are made. There are studies in universities that conduct this so to have your own conclusion about it now can seem naive.
My advice is to show how you have come to 'the quoted' conclusion. Show how your thoughts have reached that and tell them what material/investigation you are basing it on. This will show your "intelectual vitality" or desire to learn about it.
roal my advice to you is to be explicit.
Although your essay does show your interest in the nature of faith and religion; it lacks you desire to learn about the matter. In fact it can imply that you do not want to learn about it.
Humans are perhaps the creatures with the most desire for power; nevertheless they are still part of the group of creatures which has the need to feel subjugated. There is a necessity for us to feel protected, to believe that there is something more powerful than us, which knows what it's doing and knows where we are all headed to, but it is also essential for it to control us, and thus maintain stability. Since remote times, humankind has governed through "the power of the gods". Through it the ruler certainly gave its civilization a sense of protection and guidance, but he also engendered fear, and thus preserved the absolute power.
Furthermore this part of the essay may show a bit of arrogance in you. Although it is good to show what you think about somthing, having a generalization or conclusion of the matter can make you look naive.
After all have you ever studied the nature of religions in-depth or have investigated about why religions are made. There are studies in universities that conduct this so to have your own conclusion about it now can seem naive.
My advice is to show how you have come to 'the quoted' conclusion. Show how your thoughts have reached that and tell them what material/investigation you are basing it on. This will show your "intelectual vitality" or desire to learn about it.
