courtain
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Path Begins at Pitzer" Personal Statement to Pitzer College [7]
"I want to be a doctor." Such a general, common statement must sound simple enough, right? Well at least to me it does. After all, it's what I've been telling myself for years.
But let's take a closer look at that word, "doctor." In my view, a doctor is a daily hero. To name a few characteristics, he has a boundless compassion for all humans, he has an insatiable appetite for education, and he commands and embraces his immensely important, life changing position. (The verb "commands" and "embraces" are isolated because I don't understand what you mean by the doctor commands his position and how the doctor embraces his position) Suddenly the words "I want to be a doctor" become(became) much more daunting and complex than I had originally expected. (I feel like this sentence is unnecessary)
The journey to become a doctor is arduousto say the least(Unnecessary) . A great devotion is required, and the career itself demands a "special" type of person who holds the characteristics mentioned earlier(I heard that this kind of phrase: "as it said above...etc..." is not so good way to describe what you want to say. What about briefly describing them again?).But I am more than eager to begin my journey, and ready to make a difference the lives of others and even the world(Why?) .I believe that Pitzer College is the most appropriate place for me to start(because...?).
At a first glance at Pitzer, one would most probably first notice the brilliant murals that adorn its walls.(Why don't you say... "I was impressed by the brilliant murals of Pitzer representing... blahblah..." Use the first person perspective) Murals range from themes of racial equality to culturally influenced art to wacky depictions (my favorite is that of the large spoon and banana cartoon). When I first viewed these murals, I began to feel the active spirit and the striking diversity of the student body.(It will be better if you give the reason ... or the specific of what part of mural exactly gave you that impression? It is even better to illustrate the image of mural into your writing.) I began to sensed that I was standing in a very dynamic community. I love the murals because they represent how deeply compassionate the students are and how their eyes and ears are open to their community and to the world.
If you could be more specific about your statements... and shorten the length of the essay by cutting some repetitions...
it will be an outstanding essay.
I did not check it grammar wise because I suck at grammar...
You should be free to ignore my suggestions because I am a heavily biased writer.
And I didn't even finish reading your whole essay because the length is too intimidating to take a look at it. Shortening the essay alone will boost the power of your words.
Good luck
"I want to be a doctor." Such a general, common statement must sound simple enough, right? Well at least to me it does. After all, it's what I've been telling myself for years.
But let's take a closer look at that word, "doctor." In my view, a doctor is a daily hero. To name a few characteristics, he has a boundless compassion for all humans, he has an insatiable appetite for education, and he commands and embraces his immensely important, life changing position. (The verb "commands" and "embraces" are isolated because I don't understand what you mean by the doctor commands his position and how the doctor embraces his position) Suddenly the words "I want to be a doctor" become(became) much more daunting and complex than I had originally expected. (I feel like this sentence is unnecessary)
The journey to become a doctor is arduousto say the least(Unnecessary) . A great devotion is required, and the career itself demands a "special" type of person who holds the characteristics mentioned earlier(I heard that this kind of phrase: "as it said above...etc..." is not so good way to describe what you want to say. What about briefly describing them again?).But I am more than eager to begin my journey, and ready to make a difference the lives of others and even the world(Why?) .I believe that Pitzer College is the most appropriate place for me to start(because...?).
At a first glance at Pitzer, one would most probably first notice the brilliant murals that adorn its walls.(Why don't you say... "I was impressed by the brilliant murals of Pitzer representing... blahblah..." Use the first person perspective) Murals range from themes of racial equality to culturally influenced art to wacky depictions (my favorite is that of the large spoon and banana cartoon). When I first viewed these murals, I began to feel the active spirit and the striking diversity of the student body.(It will be better if you give the reason ... or the specific of what part of mural exactly gave you that impression? It is even better to illustrate the image of mural into your writing.) I began to sensed that I was standing in a very dynamic community. I love the murals because they represent how deeply compassionate the students are and how their eyes and ears are open to their community and to the world.
If you could be more specific about your statements... and shorten the length of the essay by cutting some repetitions...
it will be an outstanding essay.
I did not check it grammar wise because I suck at grammar...
You should be free to ignore my suggestions because I am a heavily biased writer.
And I didn't even finish reading your whole essay because the length is too intimidating to take a look at it. Shortening the essay alone will boost the power of your words.
Good luck