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Posts by courtain
Joined: Dec 31, 2009
Last Post: Jan 1, 2010
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courtain   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Path Begins at Pitzer" Personal Statement to Pitzer College [7]

"I want to be a doctor." Such a general, common statement must sound simple enough, right? Well at least to me it does. After all, it's what I've been telling myself for years.

But let's take a closer look at that word, "doctor." In my view, a doctor is a daily hero. To name a few characteristics, he has a boundless compassion for all humans, he has an insatiable appetite for education, and he commands and embraces his immensely important, life changing position. (The verb "commands" and "embraces" are isolated because I don't understand what you mean by the doctor commands his position and how the doctor embraces his position) Suddenly the words "I want to be a doctor" become(became) much more daunting and complex than I had originally expected. (I feel like this sentence is unnecessary)

The journey to become a doctor is arduousto say the least(Unnecessary) . A great devotion is required, and the career itself demands a "special" type of person who holds the characteristics mentioned earlier(I heard that this kind of phrase: "as it said above...etc..." is not so good way to describe what you want to say. What about briefly describing them again?).But I am more than eager to begin my journey, and ready to make a difference the lives of others and even the world(Why?) .I believe that Pitzer College is the most appropriate place for me to start(because...?).

At a first glance at Pitzer, one would most probably first notice the brilliant murals that adorn its walls.(Why don't you say... "I was impressed by the brilliant murals of Pitzer representing... blahblah..." Use the first person perspective) Murals range from themes of racial equality to culturally influenced art to wacky depictions (my favorite is that of the large spoon and banana cartoon). When I first viewed these murals, I began to feel the active spirit and the striking diversity of the student body.(It will be better if you give the reason ... or the specific of what part of mural exactly gave you that impression? It is even better to illustrate the image of mural into your writing.) I began to sensed that I was standing in a very dynamic community. I love the murals because they represent how deeply compassionate the students are and how their eyes and ears are open to their community and to the world.

If you could be more specific about your statements... and shorten the length of the essay by cutting some repetitions...
it will be an outstanding essay.
I did not check it grammar wise because I suck at grammar...

You should be free to ignore my suggestions because I am a heavily biased writer.
And I didn't even finish reading your whole essay because the length is too intimidating to take a look at it. Shortening the essay alone will boost the power of your words.

Good luck
courtain   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / CMC leadership essay. -- leader Andrew Carnegie [3]

2. Analytical Essay TopicLeadership is a constant theme and emphasis at CMC. In fact, one of the ways we describe CMC students is "Leaders in the Making." Identify and discuss a person, fictional or nonfictional, who has helped shape culture and thought. You may select someone from any field: literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education, etc.

Having an ability to manage myself and enacting my capacity to achieve goals-these are what I consider the rudimentary attributes necessary to become a leader. However, a leader also has to know how to positively change his group; otherwise he is only a leader for himself. Andrew Carnegie is an ideal leader. He was born from an indigent immigrant family and later became one of the most renowned people in the United States. Even though critics may argue that Carnegie contributed to the formation of monopolies and domination of wealth by a top few percent of the society, there is no doubt how greatly Carnegie helped shaping a culture of coming back to community and not losing hold of one's dream. He ardently became the preacher of "social gospel" urging people of wealth to look back on their community and help others who might have been victims of their monetary avarice. He also demonstrated the classical American Dream encouraging future generations to overcome their surroundings as he did.

From 1835 to 1919, Andrew Carnegie lived in an age of the rapid industrialism-a contaminated society where political bosses became inflated and huge monopolies sucked blood from powerless citizens. People with fair minds denounced the tarnished society. They criticized the death of justice. Writers like Fitzgerald showed the emptiness of this sullen American Dream. At first, Carnegie was no exception. He was one of the top people who contributed to prosper of materialism. Of course, some wealthy people donated their money to society: Political bosses helped out urban poor in exchange of their votes. However, Andrew Carnegie indeed stood up among the self-interested millionaires and shined the light of social gospel and philanthropy. He recalled his childhood-the suffering of poverty and vanishing passion for a higher goal- and urged to change the culture of corrupted industrialism. Carnegie managed to become a prototype of a giver; he invested the rest of his life to establishing thousands of schools and libraries all over the world because he remembered his doomed childhood where no resources were available. He established the culture of giving and coming back to the society, not for his own self-esteem but for those who have been hurt by the inequality of the society.

Not only did Carnegie's benevolent contribution fuel the desire to give and help, his successful story helped people of younger generations who come from disadvantaged areas not to give up their hopes. Andrew Carnegie established 3000 public libraries throughout the world because he had a passion for education, which he could not afford during his childhood. Providing free access to public libraries for the people all around the world, Carnegie allowed younger generations to study regardless of their financial status and social position. Carnegie provided millions of dollars of funds for educational institutions, shaping a culture of equal opportunity where anybody can achieve his goals like Carnegie himself did. Carnegie enabled the culture of equality of opportunity and became the leader of those who work for higher dreams.

If Andrew Carnegie was just a king of steels and a main figure of American Industrialism, he would not have deserved the title of leader. Through his great example of charitable American culture aside from the evil of materialism, America realized the nuisance of its avarice. His stout mind to overcome his disadvantaged surroundings reignited a fire of American Dream to the people who have lost their hopes under the dark shadow of urban poverty and lack of opportunity. Carnegie was a true leader in the era of rapid industrial growth not because he achieved great success and donated enormous amount of money, but because he built a platform for next generations to jump over the swamp of monetary greed and fading hopes.

Any comments? After you read it leave your essay's address so we can mutually help each other.
courtain   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? [6]

Wow... I like the flow of this essay. Very fascinating. I agree with Kim's comment... I don't think you have to try hard to cut your words. it's good enough.

But in the middle part when you talk about...

The Bowdoin Library, a place of quietude, was the perfect spot to brainstorm an idea or do some quiet study. In the library, one looses track of time. Only the beep of my watch rescued me and made me realize how time had passed.

You confused me because I thought the story was taking place in your high school dorm (I was assuming that you were attending a boarding school)

So what is the transition? You were in your own dorm first, but then you went out to visit Bowdoin's libarary?

I just got confused there.
Anyway... If you can also give comment on my essay I will be so glad
it's

feel free to criticize
courtain   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: "Ramen Addiction" [8]

I think blazinginferno took care of your grammar part.

However, I have a critical suggestion on your essay.

I think you should talk more how ramen affected your interest in experiments.

It's good that you're talking about your trip to Korea. However, that kind of takes

away the focus of your essay. You say you're using different ingredients to cook ramen. But that doesn't tell much. Why don't you provide very specific examples of what ramen and with what ingredients you cook. It will be a good idea to use some figurative languages... like imagery sense to portray ramen on your essay.

I wish my suggestion was helpful...
and if you could criticize my essay here.. at

I will really appreciate it.
courtain   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Medical School Cornell Essay- intellectual interests and their evolution [5]

Everything appears good. However, I have a question here.

Is the college of arts and science typical path for medical students?

Anyhow I like how you revealed your passion of becoming a doctor.

However, you make a lot of general statements... like I hope to contribute to the cornell's community... BTW... I think a lot of doctor wanna be students have very similar motives as you do. If you think there is anything that makes you unique among other medical students... that will pop your essay like a pop corn.
courtain   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / I found a new "passion"; Pomona- high school experience [4]

I feel how interesting life you went through in france. However, I feel like you're just listing what you did in france. You discovered yourself as an actor, which you were nor aware of before. And you engaged into another form of arts by joining jazz band and e.t.c... Everything's good, but I just do not see enough details other than you just saw another you. How about using some detailed annecdotes to explain why and how you discovered yourself as an actor.
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