theonejosue
Mar 18, 2010
Scholarship / Multicultural Scholarship and how I helped the community. [4]
thank you. I will put a punctuation in there.
thank you. I will put a punctuation in there.
theonejosue
Mar 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "born in Nicaragua" & "Bump on the road" [5]
I think its really good.
maybe you could put in more details of the positions held at the organizations, like what else you did at organizations.
Oh and for the "FCAT," It might be know that it stands for but maybe try putting it like this the first time: Fxxxx Cxxxxx. Axxxx Txxxxxx (FCAT), that way the readers know what it stands for; after that you can just abbreviate it.
I think its really good.
maybe you could put in more details of the positions held at the organizations, like what else you did at organizations.
Oh and for the "FCAT," It might be know that it stands for but maybe try putting it like this the first time: Fxxxx Cxxxxx. Axxxx Txxxxxx (FCAT), that way the readers know what it stands for; after that you can just abbreviate it.
theonejosue
Mar 17, 2010
Scholarship / My character and life event - scholarship character essay [8]
I would rewrite that by saying:
"Looking at the sky, I noticed that no clouds were overhead, only a large grey mass in the distance."
Something like that.
Looking at the sky, I noticed that there were no clouds overhead and in the distance there was a large black and grey mass in the distance.
I would rewrite that by saying:
"Looking at the sky, I noticed that no clouds were overhead, only a large grey mass in the distance."
Something like that.
theonejosue
Mar 17, 2010
Scholarship / Multicultural Scholarship and how I helped the community. [4]
The following is the prompt:
1.Give a brief autobiography describing your motivation for pursuing a college degree, your personal and academic achievements and include reason(s) for applying for the Multicultual Scholastic Award Program.
2.Describe your educational and professional goals.
3.Discuss your views concerning the challenges and benefits associated with living in a culturally diverse society.
5.Give concrete examples of what you have done and what you plan to do to promote diversity in your school or community.
4.Describe your philosophy regarding community service and highlight your involvement.
Please tell me what you think of my essay and about any grammar or things i could fix. Thank you
Here is what i wrote:
When I was a little boy I lived in front of a school bus stop, everyday I would bring my little stool and reach the window, to watch as students boarded and went to school on the bus, I remember wanting with all my heart to go to school with them. My name is Josue Garcia and ever since I was very young, I wanted to continue with a higher education, it all started with me standing at that window every day and my longing for school. In school I try to do my best, my hard work hasn't been ignored and during my junior year in high school I received three prestigious awards, given only to one student in each class grade: Academic Excellence in English and U.S. History, and a third one for Excellence in Spanish grammar.
My career goals are quite simple: they consist of achieving a degree in Mechanical and Energy Engineering, to be part of the front line for today's and tomorrow's energy needs. I want to help and instruct future generations in what needs to be done to ensure all our energy needs are met, specifically in the line of alternative fuel acquisition. Wouldn't it be wonderful to stop and reverse all global warming effects? I want to do just that, to help our entire nation in alternative fuel innovations that could one day help us live the greenest lives possible.
Being in a culturally diverse society helps everyone, and benefits them as well. I being part of one, has helped me understand and immerse myself in other cultures that I thought at one point where dull and boring. No culture Is boring or dull they all are colorful and show so much about an entire society.
In my community it is important for me to help people who are not really understanding the culture of our neighborhood, like this year when we got a new student at school from Mexico. The new student knew only Spanish, so I took it upon myself to tutor him every morning, he soon knew almost fluent English and passed all of his first semester classes. Apart from doing that community service I helped everyone communicate with him, and see the true person behind his challenge in the language. In doing community service I came across the thought that you don't just help your community but you also help yourself; since you live in the community you help yourself. Even if you didn't live in the area that you help, you still get to enrich the lives of others in the work that you do for them. If I can help someone, why not help them? Do to others as you would like to be done to you, and everyone likes to be helped.
The following is the prompt:
1.Give a brief autobiography describing your motivation for pursuing a college degree, your personal and academic achievements and include reason(s) for applying for the Multicultual Scholastic Award Program.
2.Describe your educational and professional goals.
3.Discuss your views concerning the challenges and benefits associated with living in a culturally diverse society.
5.Give concrete examples of what you have done and what you plan to do to promote diversity in your school or community.
4.Describe your philosophy regarding community service and highlight your involvement.
Please tell me what you think of my essay and about any grammar or things i could fix. Thank you
Here is what i wrote:
When I was a little boy I lived in front of a school bus stop, everyday I would bring my little stool and reach the window, to watch as students boarded and went to school on the bus, I remember wanting with all my heart to go to school with them. My name is Josue Garcia and ever since I was very young, I wanted to continue with a higher education, it all started with me standing at that window every day and my longing for school. In school I try to do my best, my hard work hasn't been ignored and during my junior year in high school I received three prestigious awards, given only to one student in each class grade: Academic Excellence in English and U.S. History, and a third one for Excellence in Spanish grammar.
My career goals are quite simple: they consist of achieving a degree in Mechanical and Energy Engineering, to be part of the front line for today's and tomorrow's energy needs. I want to help and instruct future generations in what needs to be done to ensure all our energy needs are met, specifically in the line of alternative fuel acquisition. Wouldn't it be wonderful to stop and reverse all global warming effects? I want to do just that, to help our entire nation in alternative fuel innovations that could one day help us live the greenest lives possible.
Being in a culturally diverse society helps everyone, and benefits them as well. I being part of one, has helped me understand and immerse myself in other cultures that I thought at one point where dull and boring. No culture Is boring or dull they all are colorful and show so much about an entire society.
In my community it is important for me to help people who are not really understanding the culture of our neighborhood, like this year when we got a new student at school from Mexico. The new student knew only Spanish, so I took it upon myself to tutor him every morning, he soon knew almost fluent English and passed all of his first semester classes. Apart from doing that community service I helped everyone communicate with him, and see the true person behind his challenge in the language. In doing community service I came across the thought that you don't just help your community but you also help yourself; since you live in the community you help yourself. Even if you didn't live in the area that you help, you still get to enrich the lives of others in the work that you do for them. If I can help someone, why not help them? Do to others as you would like to be done to you, and everyone likes to be helped.
theonejosue
Jan 14, 2010
Essays / Study abroad (personal statement / letter of intent) - starting ideas [9]
talk about why you want to go abroad...
or you can say quote about the place or a description of the place you will go study. then you can say thats one of the reasons you want to go there.
talk about why you want to go abroad...
or you can say quote about the place or a description of the place you will go study. then you can say thats one of the reasons you want to go there.
theonejosue
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / student ratio, business orientation, new heights - EMORY why emory? [7]
I agree.... I think that at the end you shouldn't have that question.
When talking about the location and how its close to your house, try to conbine all of that into a more unified structure... try using ;
I agree.... I think that at the end you shouldn't have that question.
When talking about the location and how its close to your house, try to conbine all of that into a more unified structure... try using ;
theonejosue
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / My father - Daniel - has had the largest impact on my life [4]
someone please edit my essay?
the prompt is:Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
All Comments on it are greatly appreciated.
Both my parents have, and continue having an impact on my life, but my father, Daniel has had the largest ones. He has been there for me when others have shrugged their shoulder. I suffer from various ailments, but two of them have really struck hard, Eczema and Acanthosis nigricans. In both conditions, my father has been there to support me; having an impact on my life.
Eczema is a very hard and strange disorder, to take control of, thus my struggle has been a hard one. My dad has been with me since my first and only hospital stay in which I had "break out." The nurses has to peel off pieces of skin off my face, little by little. It was very difficult seeing myself in the mirror, red and raw from the treatment given to me at the hospital; but during this whole time Daniel encouraged me, saying that it was all going to be okay in the end.
My endocrine system has been going off balance for the past three years. One problem associated with my imbalance is Acanthosis nigricans, which manifests as a dark velvety mark on a neck. Acanthosis nigricans is a very disgusting looking disorder, that although it looks nasty, is not in any way contagious. My dad was there to help me thru the moments of depression and rejection that I felt when I had it.
Most of the disorders that I live with are now mostly under control; due in part by the things that my dad has done for me. He means so much to me, and I just love him.
someone please edit my essay?
the prompt is:Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
All Comments on it are greatly appreciated.
Both my parents have, and continue having an impact on my life, but my father, Daniel has had the largest ones. He has been there for me when others have shrugged their shoulder. I suffer from various ailments, but two of them have really struck hard, Eczema and Acanthosis nigricans. In both conditions, my father has been there to support me; having an impact on my life.
Eczema is a very hard and strange disorder, to take control of, thus my struggle has been a hard one. My dad has been with me since my first and only hospital stay in which I had "break out." The nurses has to peel off pieces of skin off my face, little by little. It was very difficult seeing myself in the mirror, red and raw from the treatment given to me at the hospital; but during this whole time Daniel encouraged me, saying that it was all going to be okay in the end.
My endocrine system has been going off balance for the past three years. One problem associated with my imbalance is Acanthosis nigricans, which manifests as a dark velvety mark on a neck. Acanthosis nigricans is a very disgusting looking disorder, that although it looks nasty, is not in any way contagious. My dad was there to help me thru the moments of depression and rejection that I felt when I had it.
Most of the disorders that I live with are now mostly under control; due in part by the things that my dad has done for me. He means so much to me, and I just love him.