Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic: Urban Sprawl: (causes and prediction) [3]

Hello xyz0905!

In recent years, there has been a growing tendency that the urban sprawl is a common phenomenon in many countries.→ Urban sprawl has become common in many countries, particularly in South America, Africa and parts of Asia.

Therefore,it is essential to evaluate the forces behind this trend and its consequences.
You could use this sentence in hundreds of essays. Try to make every sentence specific or related to the topic →
With hundreds of millions of people living in poor conditions in these cities, it's important to examine the causes of this trend and its consequences.

Nowadays the space in the city centre is unlikely to provide sufficient housing availability to accommodate an ever-growing population.

Besides , in order to offer lower-density living environment to localcity residents, an ongoing land development towards surrounding suburbs is deemed as an preferential solution .

This sentence is very wordy. Try to avoid passives: Who deems it 'preferential'? Here's a possible six-word rewrite:
The only solution is to expand outwards.

Firstly, a high traffic volume between the outer city and downtown causes severe air pollution and reduces the lands suitable for farming.
Traffic doesn't reduce the amount of agricultural land, or at least not as much as the houses and other buildings do.
→
Firstly, high traffic between the outer city and downtown causes severe air pollution. Secondly, the new housing developments mean less land for agriculture, despite the growing population.

Try to reduce word length and the number of heavy nouns in your sentences. You can break up some sentences:
Secondly, from the economic perspective, the relocation of a large population towards suburbs will pose adverse fiscal impact on the local government's infrastructure overhead .→

Secondly, relocating people in the suburbs requires large investments in infrastructure. OR Moving people costs money.
A few short sentences would make your essay easier to read and have more impact. Have a mix of short and long sentences.

Therefore, the government should organise detail planning and sustainable development to minimise its demerits.
'Demerits' is not quite right - it's usually used for a fine or penalty. You could specify instead of using a word iike 'disadvantage' or 'drawback': →

City authorities need to plan carefully to avoid the growth of slums and to make our cities safe and sustainable places to live in.

Overall, try for shorter, less wordy sentences. Add some short sentences for impact, especially at the start of paragraphs. Don't use terms like 'fiscal overhead' when money is perfectly fine! The IELTS Reading exam tests your vocabulary. The Writing exam tests your ability to write in a flowing style with well-developed ideas. By having shorter sentences, your message would be clearer and you would be able to give more specific examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TOPIC: Telecommuting ; GOOD OR BAD? [5]

Hello sharkondiet

As Asoka pointed out, you have covered many of the main features and drawbacks of telecommuting. Well done!

I have only a few small comments:

Introduction:


I think it is too early to say if telecommuting is THE most remarkable brainchild, and in any case, to suggest that it is a 'brainchild' is to suggest that it was designed or conceived - I would regard telecommuting more as a (so far relatively minor) phenomenon that resulted from other societal and technological changes. So perhaps I would go with a more laid-back introduction: not all TOEFL or IELTS essay topics are necessarily hugely controversial, outrageous, or burning. I really like the structure of your opening sentence, so I would keep it:

The global work field has seen a great deal of radical changes in recent years, among which telecommuting stands out as one of the most promising and exciting changes in working practices for many decades. This essay will look at some of the potential advantages and the hidden drawbacks of teleworking.

This echoes or predicts your closing ideas where you hope that telecommuting will become more popular. I would also avoid using sentences in the opening paragraph which do not mention or incorporate the topic - examiners may feel that these sentences have been memorized and dropped into the essay.


Here I would be careful to keep your focus: do you mean by telecommuting that workers can work at home, or are you including video-conferencing in the workplace? Videoconferencing is already well established.

Conclusion:


Really, I'd prefer if you just gave your opinion: it's just a few hundred words ago that you started, not 2000! And are you in favor of telecommuting, or are you in favor of views of telecommuting?

- I am confident that despite these disadvantages, telecommuting will prove effective once adopted more widely. Hopefully, telecommuting will gain more popularity in the next few years.

Finally, a couple of minor points:

- However, there are still some drawbacks lurking behind.

- the practice would egg people on working on contract rather than for a fixed institution. To 'egg someone on' does mean to encourage them, but you can't really use it like that here: encouragewould be better, or possibly, force, induce or compel, since I think you may be portraying contract work as something a little negative.

- enthusiasm for their works: work, like equipment, feedback, and software, is singular.

Regards

Enda

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Topic about dependence on computers [15]

Thanks Sharkonadiet!

You have some excellent vocab and I hope you keep adding to it!

As ET_Kevin says, great name, too! Looking forward to your next post.

Enda

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: The automobile is destroying our quality of life. [9]

Hi Azeri

You are right that shorter sentences can seemsimple, but they aren't easy to write! You have good control over your clauses and sentence structure: don't be afraid to try a mix of short and long sentences, whether in academic or other writing.

A good place for shorter sentence length is the topic sentence for each paragraph. Have one crystal clear idea in it, and then develop the idea in the longer sentences following it.

Looking forward to your next essay!

Regards

Enda

Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts.

William Strunk, Elements of Style, crockford.com/wrrrld/style3.html#13

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: The automobile is destroying our quality of life. [9]

Hello Azeri

Sentence Length
The first thing that strikes me is your average sentence length - it's over 28 words per sentence. I think you should aim for about 20, and try to have a mix of short (6-10 word) and long (15-25) sentences.

Your clauses and sentence structures are very good, but the essay overall is a little hard to read because of the long sentences.

Include more ideas
Although you have over 350 words, you have only two main points. One is that cars


which is a dangerously circular argument (they "significantly hinder the speed of automobiles") and the other is that cars cause pollution.

As Sudharaka suggests, you could add the lack of exercise in our lives because of our dependence on cars, and other ideas could include the physical, psychological and social distance a car places between us and our neighbours

- the number of people killed in accidents

- the size and dominance of the car industry and the road lobby in our economies

- urban sprawl and the changed shape of cities due to cars

- the massive time spent in commuting

- the physical and psychological separation or compartmentalization of work and personal life (this applies to all transport, of course)

- the damage to the environment caused by road building, lighting

- the political and economic consequences created by dependence on oil from a few countries

- the growth of impersonal suburbs and selfish individualism fostered by the availability of cars which allow individual rather than collective housing and movement

- the environmental cost of disposing of or failing to recycle cars, tires and car parts

- the potentially explosive growth of car ownership in China, India and other countries

- ...

and these are just a few ideas on the negative side. You could of course look at the positive side of cars as well!

Be ruthless!
Be ruthless within sentences: see where you can leave out words and phrases.


(34 words)
- Car emissions can cause a range of conditions from eye irritation to lung cancer.

(14 words)

Regards

Enda

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Topic about dependence on computers [15]

Hello Lý Tâm

Some very good organization and some great vocabulary. As Azeri says, very few grammar errors. But I would encourage you to be more specific, to avoid generalizations, and to state your ideas as simply as possible: vocabulary is only one aspect of the overall writing grade.

Generalizations:


.
Why not give some examples, perhaps ranging from the very ordinary tasks we carry out with computers (withdrawing money from a bank) to some very large scale ones (analysing weather data from satellites)?

Similar word forms:
Try to avoid using different forms of the same word family in the same sentence:


could be replaced with "envisages a future" or "envisages a scenario" or "presages a catastrophe."

Avoid vagueness in reference:


(Para. 1)
"This idea" is a little vague: it is not immediately clear what the idea is referring to. "Idea" is perhaps not a great choice of word - perhaps "this situation" or, even better, "this dependence on computers."

Word forms: use verbs rather than nouns;


I'm not exactly certain what you mean here: perhaps if you used some examples it would be clearer. Using a verb rather than a noun might be better: "A lot of time would be saved if computers were applied to solve even more human problems." Verbs move more than nouns do: they keep writing moving forward whereas nouns ending in "-ism" and "-ion" can make it heavy and dense.

Avoid using quotes:


and


don't need them.

Simplify:
I think you have worked too hard on your last sentence and it would be clearer if it were simpler:


.
Do you mean that we should appreciate the benefits of computing? If so, "considerate" is probably not the right word. The "it" in the sentence refers back to "the issue", not the wide use of computers. "Laughable" is generally used for something negative or derisory.

Rather than fixing the sentence, I would replace it with something simpler such as "Overall, computers have made an incalculable contribution to our lives, and we should welcome even greater use of them..." or its opposite: "In conclusion, we need to question whether this addiction to computing is really for our long-term benefit..."

Avoid cliches like the plague:
It's great to see such vocabulary, but do be careful not to overdo very common pairings such as "blindingly obvious", "unanimous approval", "time and energy", "for [the] years to come", etc. But this is a very common problem for native speakers!

I really like the parallel structure in the sentence:


Well done!

Enda T

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing: opinions on children's part-time job [5]

Hi Aaron

Some good ideas and some very carefully constructed sentences. Occasionally your writing is a little formal: perhaps you could use simpler wording. One thing which makes your writing seem formal is the use of phrases such as:


IELTS examiners are on the look-out for boilerplate text or memorized phrases: it is sometimes better to just get into the main idea of your essay. Your second paragraph is much better because it gives your viewpoint without padding.

Has there really been controversy over part-time jobs for children? Where? Who is arguing about this? Perhaps one way around this could be:

Parents often worry about letting their children do part-time work
or
Some psychologists are concerned that children who work part-time are taking on too much.

Here's a small suggestion for one sentence...


(Obviously), it is valuable for students to learn about the need for hard work and regular attendance.
or
Working hard and attending regularly are valuable lessons for students.

Vocabulary:
In Paragraph 2 'work', not 'works'
In Paragraph 3, I might use 'capabilities' rather than capacities .

Did you know that there are 53 words in your last sentence?! :) Short sentences are usually easier to read, and a mix of short and long sentences is a good goal to aim for. That's why your paragraph 2 works so well.