stefoo
Feb 22, 2010
stefoo
Feb 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "the internet mess" - UT Austin Personal Essay [5]
Many thanks Susan! do you think it would be reasonable for me to send it or should I add something?
Many thanks Susan! do you think it would be reasonable for me to send it or should I add something?
stefoo
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "the internet mess" - UT Austin Personal Essay [5]
Hi,
Yet again I need your help :)
Now that I have finished my statement of purpose I am trying to tackle the personal essay. Again, any criticism is welcome. I want this to be as polished as possible!
I really appreciate it!
PROMPT
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation
ESSAY
An enormous database with unprecedented amount of information. Not to mention messy, with all kinds of content of unpredictable quality. This is how the Internet could be described. As accessibility is expanding, more and more people are able to surf the web. But with content growing by the minute, the information structure of the web becomes a puzzling issue. While Google made some progress with its search engine to provide users with the information they want, there is still a long way to go. The over accessibility of information, content quality and the organization of data are the most striking problems.
Not long ago I was able to play online with a Swedish student I had never met before. We got to talk during the game and it turned out she was taking French classes. We shared emails and I ended up helping her with her French class homework. Now that most households around the world have acquired access to the Internet, encounters like this became common. More and more users are connected. There are educated and responsible individuals amongst those. However, there are also irresponsible, fragile and perhaps heinous persons. When the world is at your fingertips, it is tempting to delve for forbidden content. Hence, the wonderful tool, under the wrong hands, can become dangerous.
Earlier this month, in Michigan, two teenagers attempted to build their own pipe bomb after watching a video on the Internet. The bomb detonated prematurely and both got injured. Should ANY individual, responsible or not, be able to find this kind of information? Thankfully video-sharing websites such as YouTube or Dailymotion have moderation teams to guarantee the content uploaded is appropriate. Nevertheless, videos are not put down immediately and not every website enforces such verifications. It is safe to say there is in general very little control over the content published, allowing undesired, misleading or dangerous information to be published and eventually ending up in front of the wrong individuals. It almost sounds like a lost cause; because the ever-flowing stream of data is very hard if not impossible to moderate.
The current structure of the web is not adapted to such a voluminous amount of information. A single word query may return a list containing millions if not billions of results. It is assumed the search engine will put forward the most useful links -and most of the time it does- but users are often forced to seek painfully through the countless links pages. This can become a time-consuming process, especially in a fast-paced society where "time is money". Moreover, it disregards a vast amount of information that could possibly be of good quality. The appropriate link might be buried in-between useless ones on the 30th page. Most users do not venture that far. And they should not be expected to: the proceeding should be quick, safe and effortless.
The Internet is fantastic in many respects and clearly improved our channels of communication and knowledge-sharing. But like most world-changing inventions it has its inconveniences. With its community evolving, web searches can deliver potentially dangerous information to irresponsible persons. Information can be hard to moderate as the vastness of the web does not allow for efficient information-sorting and evaluation. As a future software engineer, there is a good chance that I will create or work on web applications. I strongly feel that current and future computer scientists need to strive for the betterment of the Internet. We must take those issues into account and do everything we can to rethink the information structure and how the Internet works as a whole for an easier, safer and more reliable browsing experience.
Hi,
Yet again I need your help :)
Now that I have finished my statement of purpose I am trying to tackle the personal essay. Again, any criticism is welcome. I want this to be as polished as possible!
I really appreciate it!
PROMPT
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation
ESSAY
An enormous database with unprecedented amount of information. Not to mention messy, with all kinds of content of unpredictable quality. This is how the Internet could be described. As accessibility is expanding, more and more people are able to surf the web. But with content growing by the minute, the information structure of the web becomes a puzzling issue. While Google made some progress with its search engine to provide users with the information they want, there is still a long way to go. The over accessibility of information, content quality and the organization of data are the most striking problems.
Not long ago I was able to play online with a Swedish student I had never met before. We got to talk during the game and it turned out she was taking French classes. We shared emails and I ended up helping her with her French class homework. Now that most households around the world have acquired access to the Internet, encounters like this became common. More and more users are connected. There are educated and responsible individuals amongst those. However, there are also irresponsible, fragile and perhaps heinous persons. When the world is at your fingertips, it is tempting to delve for forbidden content. Hence, the wonderful tool, under the wrong hands, can become dangerous.
Earlier this month, in Michigan, two teenagers attempted to build their own pipe bomb after watching a video on the Internet. The bomb detonated prematurely and both got injured. Should ANY individual, responsible or not, be able to find this kind of information? Thankfully video-sharing websites such as YouTube or Dailymotion have moderation teams to guarantee the content uploaded is appropriate. Nevertheless, videos are not put down immediately and not every website enforces such verifications. It is safe to say there is in general very little control over the content published, allowing undesired, misleading or dangerous information to be published and eventually ending up in front of the wrong individuals. It almost sounds like a lost cause; because the ever-flowing stream of data is very hard if not impossible to moderate.
The current structure of the web is not adapted to such a voluminous amount of information. A single word query may return a list containing millions if not billions of results. It is assumed the search engine will put forward the most useful links -and most of the time it does- but users are often forced to seek painfully through the countless links pages. This can become a time-consuming process, especially in a fast-paced society where "time is money". Moreover, it disregards a vast amount of information that could possibly be of good quality. The appropriate link might be buried in-between useless ones on the 30th page. Most users do not venture that far. And they should not be expected to: the proceeding should be quick, safe and effortless.
The Internet is fantastic in many respects and clearly improved our channels of communication and knowledge-sharing. But like most world-changing inventions it has its inconveniences. With its community evolving, web searches can deliver potentially dangerous information to irresponsible persons. Information can be hard to moderate as the vastness of the web does not allow for efficient information-sorting and evaluation. As a future software engineer, there is a good chance that I will create or work on web applications. I strongly feel that current and future computer scientists need to strive for the betterment of the Internet. We must take those issues into account and do everything we can to rethink the information structure and how the Internet works as a whole for an easier, safer and more reliable browsing experience.
stefoo
Feb 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "become an air traffic controller" UT transfer studen/ Statement of purpose [3]
Great essay! It flows nicely and I love your honesty. One thing I would advise you to do is to tweak your essay a little to have more emphasis on your accomplishments than your struggles. Also, maybe I missed it, but I don't think you mentioned what program you want to join at UT and why you would like to do so.
Here are some little things I spotted:
I am too in the process of applying at UT. Good luck with your application, hope to see you on campus!
Great essay! It flows nicely and I love your honesty. One thing I would advise you to do is to tweak your essay a little to have more emphasis on your accomplishments than your struggles. Also, maybe I missed it, but I don't think you mentioned what program you want to join at UT and why you would like to do so.
Here are some little things I spotted:
Unfortunately, high school began a rollercoaster of family problems.[quote]
The word sounds a little cliche.
[quote]I knew if I wanted my dream to come into fruition I needed to hit the reset button in? my life.
[quote] Then I realized one of the most important lessons I ever learned.
The word sounds a little cliche.
[quote]I knew if I wanted my dream to come into fruition I needed to hit the reset button in? my life.
[quote] Then I realized one of the most important lessons I ever learned.
I am too in the process of applying at UT. Good luck with your application, hope to see you on campus!
stefoo
Feb 20, 2010
Undergraduate / Catholic University - Personal Statement - Community Outreach [5]
WOW, first line and I already feel offended.
Absolutely unnecessary. And wrong by the way.
This does not give me the impression you helped him. More that you look down on him and his work.
Mispronounced??? stop the ethnocentrism for one second, please! and who is Panda Bear MD?
So you """helped""" him which makes you the white knight of the Latino community? enlightening.
And how is that, by calling them horrendous and then comparing them to a big dog perhaps?
I laughed. Pathetic.
Maybe because you had none?
Wow wow wow. I'm not going to comment the rest. I seriously hope this is just a joke and that you did not write this seriously. But in case you did: read your bible. Your essay is full of ignorance, bigotry and ethnocentrism. You missed major (if not all) teachings of the catholic faith.
It was a cold stormy day in January, and I couldn't help but notice the many Gypsy orphans struggling to find shelter under a county bench. As I stared at them through my bedroom window, I realized it was completely unethical for me to just sit there and do nothing as these homeless Neanderthals ruin a perfectly mowed lawn.
WOW, first line and I already feel offended.
the last of his kind, a legal Hispanic immigrant
Absolutely unnecessary. And wrong by the way.
I knew it would break his little heart to know someone stomped all over some of his finest work. This was not the first time that I helped Hose
This does not give me the impression you helped him. More that you look down on him and his work.
the J is mispronounced like an H in Spanish. I thank Panda Bear MD, for teaching me this linguistic discrepancy.
Mispronounced??? stop the ethnocentrism for one second, please! and who is Panda Bear MD?
In addition to helping out the Latino community
So you """helped""" him which makes you the white knight of the Latino community? enlightening.
I am also an active member in the fight to end women's suffrage.
And how is that, by calling them horrendous and then comparing them to a big dog perhaps?
I also taught them that living in high mountainous regions is a poor strategy when you're trying to escape the wrath of Chinese samurai warriors, and building nuclear weapons is a far better strategy.
I laughed. Pathetic.
I accepted their shocked expressions, and the look of complete disbelief as the depth of my impact on their lives
Maybe because you had none?
Wow wow wow. I'm not going to comment the rest. I seriously hope this is just a joke and that you did not write this seriously. But in case you did: read your bible. Your essay is full of ignorance, bigotry and ethnocentrism. You missed major (if not all) teachings of the catholic faith.
stefoo
Feb 20, 2010
Essays / How to write essay - "Architectural Business Strategy" [5]
Do you have a prompt? any guidelines? I am guessing the "task" you gave us is in fact the major you're applying for. I would also advise you to come up with ideas that we could critique. I believe that's how this forum works. Good luck!
Do you have a prompt? any guidelines? I am guessing the "task" you gave us is in fact the major you're applying for. I would also advise you to come up with ideas that we could critique. I believe that's how this forum works. Good luck!
stefoo
Feb 17, 2010
Undergraduate / a Counter-Strike club - Activities Essay [7]
I like where you are going with this. I am myself quite the video game aficionado and love your initiative. I do agree with Randy though, I somewhat feel an aggressive tone to your essay when I think it should emphasize on the stress-relief of the activity and how you brought all those diverse individuals together for an enjoyable time. I don't know if that would help but I would try to think about how someone who has never played video games would react to your essay. Try to balance the violence references, make it as appealing as possible!
Again, I like how unique this is, you'll do great! good luck!
I like where you are going with this. I am myself quite the video game aficionado and love your initiative. I do agree with Randy though, I somewhat feel an aggressive tone to your essay when I think it should emphasize on the stress-relief of the activity and how you brought all those diverse individuals together for an enjoyable time. I don't know if that would help but I would try to think about how someone who has never played video games would react to your essay. Try to balance the violence references, make it as appealing as possible!
Again, I like how unique this is, you'll do great! good luck!
stefoo
Feb 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "My journey moving to another country" - UT Austin Statement of purpose [6]
Glad you liked it! I thought I did state it but I think you're right. I did say I want to become a software engineer but not what I would be doing as one. I'm not quite sure how I am going to integrate this but I'll find a way!
And thanks for the quick response, keep the criticism flowing!
Glad you liked it! I thought I did state it but I think you're right. I did say I want to become a software engineer but not what I would be doing as one. I'm not quite sure how I am going to integrate this but I'll find a way!
And thanks for the quick response, keep the criticism flowing!
stefoo
Feb 17, 2010
Undergraduate / UT Austin Statement of Purpose (bodybuilding and diabetes) [6]
did you mean until?
I really like your essay, especially your bodybuilding experience that introduced you to "real life" science. I have to admit I got a little confused after that but I see where you are going. I just think you should explain maybe why you chose UT Austin over other schools and why you fit the profile (you stated it after each paragraph but I think you could develop in a third paragraph). Now, I have to warn you that English is not my mother tongue so it could be the cause of my confusion.
I'm also applying at UT Austin in the College of Natural Sciences but in Computer Science. Good luck with your application, hope to see you on campus!
Once I secure a B.S in Human Biology I will continue my professional education till I finally obtain the credentials required to practice Endocrinology.
did you mean until?
I really like your essay, especially your bodybuilding experience that introduced you to "real life" science. I have to admit I got a little confused after that but I see where you are going. I just think you should explain maybe why you chose UT Austin over other schools and why you fit the profile (you stated it after each paragraph but I think you could develop in a third paragraph). Now, I have to warn you that English is not my mother tongue so it could be the cause of my confusion.
I'm also applying at UT Austin in the College of Natural Sciences but in Computer Science. Good luck with your application, hope to see you on campus!
stefoo
Feb 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "My journey moving to another country" - UT Austin Statement of purpose [6]
Hi,
I have been working on this text for quite a while now and I don't know if it is what they expect or if it is any good. Any criticism is welcome, I really want this to be as good as possible!
Thank you for your time!
ESSAY
I remember my father working on an opened computer case. I would observe him from afar. I never interrupted him as it seemed he was performing brain surgery. Yet, I craved to know more. I have always been fascinated by computers. I recall being in awe of something as simple as characters appearing on the screen of our, now old, IBM personal computer. I could not have been happier when he offered to build with me my first computer when I was twelve. I was finally given access to a world I could not wait to explore. Since then, I developed a passion for computer science and anything computer-related, and it only grew stronger after I left France for the United States.
After high school graduation, I was lacking math courses and therefore was advised to join the cinematography major at the Paris 8 university. I tend to be on the artistic side: I draw, paint, play music and thought it would be a great experience. Unfortunately it turned out to be a huge disappointment and only reinforced my desire to explore the computer science major. I then realized it was the perfect occasion to do so abroad. I have always wanted to live in the United States, where my father comes from, to experience it on my own. So after leaving the university I worked full-time for a year, saved up money for the trip and did the necessary planning. I settled for Victoria, Texas, where my father's family lives. It allowed me to benefit from my family's support for a smoother cultural transition. I then registered for the AAS program in Web Page/Digital Multimedia and Information Resources Design at The Victoria College.
About a year and a half later, I can say that going to The Victoria College was not only a wonderful experience but also an eye-opener. I thoroughly enjoyed my classes, with a preference for the college algebra, logic fundamentals and java programming classes. Because of my background in art I never perceived myself as overly logical. Therefore I did not have high expectations and was pleasantly surprised by the coursework. In fact, I found a true passion in programming and decided to learn the C# programming language outside of class. But more importantly, this overall experience helped me pinpoint the career that I will be seeking: software engineer. To achieve this goal will require me to obtain a bachelor degree in computer science. I cannot think of a better place than the University of Texas at Austin to do so.
I feel The Department of Computer Sciences within the College of Natural Sciences would be a perfect fit for me. Throughout my studies, I proved to be a well-organized and logical person. Those skills translated into an aptitude for code writing and debugging. Moreover, my art background provides me with a unique approach to problem-solving. Also, I believe that being bilingual and having dual citizenship and the cultural differences that come with it give me an uncommon perspective on how we relate to the world that surrounds us. I want to put these abilities to the test.
As a video games aficionado I have great interest in artificial intelligence and 3D graphics. For that reason the neural networks research group's work on the NERO platform and the computer graphics laboratory's research on real-time graphics and parallel systems have sparked my curiosity. I would also be thrilled to be a part of undergraduate research classes like Dr.Miikkulainen's computational intelligence in game design. I believe such challenges will not only help me to master, but to fructify the aptitudes necessary to become a successful software engineer.
It always seemed obvious to me that I would study computer science and have a career in this field. I had my father to look up to. He transmitted to me the passion necessary to arrive here. Now that I am about to graduate with an AAS, I could look back and say I have wasted some time, but this has been my journey in finding what I have a passion to do. I want to look at the future, hopeful to become part of one of the top computer science program in the nation. But no matter what I say I need to prove my worth. I expect to be challenged and I am ready to work harder than ever. Because I know that I possess the direction and determination necessary to succeed, to change the world, one code line at a time.
Hi,
I have been working on this text for quite a while now and I don't know if it is what they expect or if it is any good. Any criticism is welcome, I really want this to be as good as possible!
Thank you for your time!
ESSAY
I remember my father working on an opened computer case. I would observe him from afar. I never interrupted him as it seemed he was performing brain surgery. Yet, I craved to know more. I have always been fascinated by computers. I recall being in awe of something as simple as characters appearing on the screen of our, now old, IBM personal computer. I could not have been happier when he offered to build with me my first computer when I was twelve. I was finally given access to a world I could not wait to explore. Since then, I developed a passion for computer science and anything computer-related, and it only grew stronger after I left France for the United States.
After high school graduation, I was lacking math courses and therefore was advised to join the cinematography major at the Paris 8 university. I tend to be on the artistic side: I draw, paint, play music and thought it would be a great experience. Unfortunately it turned out to be a huge disappointment and only reinforced my desire to explore the computer science major. I then realized it was the perfect occasion to do so abroad. I have always wanted to live in the United States, where my father comes from, to experience it on my own. So after leaving the university I worked full-time for a year, saved up money for the trip and did the necessary planning. I settled for Victoria, Texas, where my father's family lives. It allowed me to benefit from my family's support for a smoother cultural transition. I then registered for the AAS program in Web Page/Digital Multimedia and Information Resources Design at The Victoria College.
About a year and a half later, I can say that going to The Victoria College was not only a wonderful experience but also an eye-opener. I thoroughly enjoyed my classes, with a preference for the college algebra, logic fundamentals and java programming classes. Because of my background in art I never perceived myself as overly logical. Therefore I did not have high expectations and was pleasantly surprised by the coursework. In fact, I found a true passion in programming and decided to learn the C# programming language outside of class. But more importantly, this overall experience helped me pinpoint the career that I will be seeking: software engineer. To achieve this goal will require me to obtain a bachelor degree in computer science. I cannot think of a better place than the University of Texas at Austin to do so.
I feel The Department of Computer Sciences within the College of Natural Sciences would be a perfect fit for me. Throughout my studies, I proved to be a well-organized and logical person. Those skills translated into an aptitude for code writing and debugging. Moreover, my art background provides me with a unique approach to problem-solving. Also, I believe that being bilingual and having dual citizenship and the cultural differences that come with it give me an uncommon perspective on how we relate to the world that surrounds us. I want to put these abilities to the test.
As a video games aficionado I have great interest in artificial intelligence and 3D graphics. For that reason the neural networks research group's work on the NERO platform and the computer graphics laboratory's research on real-time graphics and parallel systems have sparked my curiosity. I would also be thrilled to be a part of undergraduate research classes like Dr.Miikkulainen's computational intelligence in game design. I believe such challenges will not only help me to master, but to fructify the aptitudes necessary to become a successful software engineer.
It always seemed obvious to me that I would study computer science and have a career in this field. I had my father to look up to. He transmitted to me the passion necessary to arrive here. Now that I am about to graduate with an AAS, I could look back and say I have wasted some time, but this has been my journey in finding what I have a passion to do. I want to look at the future, hopeful to become part of one of the top computer science program in the nation. But no matter what I say I need to prove my worth. I expect to be challenged and I am ready to work harder than ever. Because I know that I possess the direction and determination necessary to succeed, to change the world, one code line at a time.
