In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
"Unique and untried" the Dean of Student Life and Engagement said to me when she let me start a Counter-Strike club. CS is a video game of tactical shooting, popular around the world and banned only by Brazil because of "high impact violence." I think it is great stress reliving game. I was excited to lead an "untried" club and I enjoyed watching students studying the "unique" club posters I designed. They couldn't ignore images of two soldiers holding an AK-rifle and XM-shotgun. My roommates helped me to organize the first event. We reserved a computer lab for 32 players. There was a chance that no one would come to play. Ten minutes before the game, when the noon class was over, the room was full of players seated in front of monitors ready to launch the game. It was a huge success. Only 4 months passed since the first event, yet its membership has grown over 300, female and male, gay and lesbian, international and local, members united by a "violence inciting" game - Counter-Strike!
Wow powerful last sentence.
I think you definitely have a lot going for this little essay given how unique your activity is. Like who talks about violent video games in a college essay? It is admirable.
However, I feel a sort of sick violent undertone to it that should probably be a little bit diminished.
Also take out any "I think"
I think it is great stress reliving game.
Take out any apostrophes, they weaken your argument.
They couldn't ignore images of two soldiers holding an AK-rifle and XM-shotgun.
Other wise good start and GREAT IDEA!
Thank you for comments!
I don't get why apostrophes weaken my essay? I'm using apostrophes to mention that those words are used by the Dean to describe my club.
Any more comments?
I like where you are going with this. I am myself quite the video game aficionado and love your initiative. I do agree with Randy though, I somewhat feel an aggressive tone to your essay when I think it should emphasize on the stress-relief of the activity and how you brought all those diverse individuals together for an enjoyable time. I don't know if that would help but I would try to think about how someone who has never played video games would react to your essay. Try to balance the violence references, make it as appealing as possible!
Again, I like how unique this is, you'll do great! good luck!
I need more comments about my essay.
For me this essay seems to be too risky, what if adcoms won't like it.
Said
No need to mention the violence. What if you get a reader that feels strongly that this kind of game leads to aggressive behavior? When you walk down the street, don't just trust the drivers not to swerve into you, and when you apply for things, don't trust the person judging you not to be prejudiced. :-)
Focus on the technical and artistic aspects of it instead...
I think it is great stress reliving game. --- see, I recognize this as an argument from the debate about these games. This is not the tim to get involved in a debate. Focus on the impressive aspects of this modern art form.
use a comma for a compound sentence:
I was excited to lead an "untried" club, and I enjoyed watching students studying the "unique" club posters I designed.
:-)
Thank you! I will change it!
