Posts by wiggie

wiggie

Nov 8, 2010

Graduate / Research project and IT experience - Statement of purpose in biomedical engineering [5]

All I can say about the length of it is for you to contact that institution and ask them how long it should be. This is your best bet.

If you do need to make it shorter then try to focus mainly on your super accomplishments and reasons for wanting to go to that program and that institution. You could also cut a lot of "empty" sentences, i.e. stuff that is used for embellishments and nothing more.

wiggie

Nov 8, 2010

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]

Hi Mustafa, thanks for taking time to look over the statement.

Ok so let me understand what you are saying in your first paragraph. It is rather bland and doesn't say much about me. Is this correct?

I would like to mention the fact that I am not a native English speaker. I do my best and I think I have a good grasp of the grammar. Alas, I cannot come up with the poetic type of writing that you have just demonstrated in your post. In fact, I don't see this to be very important in a natural science related field.

I have also read a lot about how to write a statement of purpose, and stating the research which I have done was mentioned in every one of those writings. This is why I wrote down my research experience. I thought it necessary to portray the fact that my research path was not focused solely on one subject, instead I went through a bunch of them and ended up liking neuroscience the best (through my MSc thesis). I do admit it needs some more exciting talk. I would appreciate it if you could give me some examples.

I don't know the story behind this paper, or what it is you're trying to accomplish, so pardon me if I am missing something.

What I am trying to accomplish is to give a good picture about myself, why I want to do a PhD and why neuroscience and why at that institution. The final goal is, obviously, to convince the committee that I am worthy of entering that program at their institution.

About my first paragraph: fair enough, you are right, I am jumping the gun. I will take the last part of the sentence out.

I haven't the mind to sift through this and point out the certain mistake in not speaking enough as a still prospective student and learner.

Could you expand this idea, please?

I am eagerly awaiting your reply and further comments.

wiggie

Nov 8, 2010

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]

Neurosciensce PhD SOP, change of direction, strong?

I have posted another version of this, yet I need to repost, since half a year has passed, and I have had no results. Besides, I thought that one was weak and I hope this one is strong.

I hope I have answered these questions:
Why Phd?
Why at that particular institution?
Why that topic?
Am I a convincing?
Is it boring or do I want to keep reading?

Thank you for taking the time to read my application.

Best Regards,

wiggie

Nov 8, 2010

Graduate / Research project and IT experience - Statement of purpose in biomedical engineering [5]

This is my opinion and thus, take it with a grain of salt. :)

Your SOP starts out great and provides some great powerful points in the middle, especially your achievements and awards. That definitely stands out. In my opinion there is a problem of continuity from the first two parts to the last part, where you write about what you want to do and why.

Although, being a moving story, the reason you want to do biomed (your grandfather's illness) lacks punch. You should be more convincing. Everytime you say something like "fascinating" you should back it up. For example:

I am interested in the research pursued by Dr. Y and Dr. Z in the use of biomaterials for treatment and recovery of nerve damage.

Here you should mention why you are interested, what appeals to you, did you have anything to do with their work? did you read it? Did you read any of their publications? If so comment on them.

I am fascinated by the partnership of Purdue's Biomedical Engineering department with the Krannert School of Management called "Biomedship".

Here you should mention why you are fascinated. A lot of people might be fascinated by it, but that says nothing.

Also

The choice one makes, command one's life.

That is nice, but that's about it. You either expand on it, and explain why you wrote it, or you take it out.

Look through your essay and see if you can find things that need backup :). Polish it and it will be awesome.

wiggie

Nov 8, 2010

Undergraduate / No money to get a tutor + Confronting my fears (my world, my contribution) [4]

I am of the first generation of my family to be born and to grow up in America. My parents had problems adjusting to this new life style [lifestyle] and struggled to get by. I have always envied the "privileged" children when I was growing up. So growing up in an underprivileged household has made me want to expand my horizons that have been bound by the realm of poverty.

My parents did not have enough money to get me a tutor when I needed help in school~~when I was young.~~

It is redundant here, it should be implied.

Just as Dr. Liu was changed by his teacher, I was changed by Dr. Liu. I strive to be like Dr. Liu and his teacher. I want to influence people the way Dr. Liu has influenced mine. I want to carry on the torch of devotion and hope that Dr. Liu's teacher bestowed to him.

In this last paragraph you used Dr. Liu too many times. Try changing it up and using pronouns instead.

I think your stories are very convincing and powerful. Both of them make use of stylistic descriptions. To be honest I don't really know what this essay is for, i.e. what is uc prompt? Perhaps you could explain this first, for me to further comment on it.

wiggie

Apr 26, 2010

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]

I added an "anecdote". I hope the transition is alright and it is believable. Would appreciate a comment on the first paragraph. Besides that the rest looks good to me. Thanks for your help!

Thank you once again for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

wiggie

Apr 15, 2010

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]

Thanks for the pointers Kevin. After reading the essay, do you consider it to be compelling? Would it stay with you or is it more like a blah essay. What could make it more compelling? I fear it is slightly general and bla-ish.

oh and one more thing, is it common practice now to refer to a general he or she using the pronoun she? I assume this is the method used to abolish gender differentiation.

cheerio

wiggie

Apr 12, 2010

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]

Wow, thanks a lot Kevin, I will work on the theme. You've made some really eye-opening points.

Concerning the name of the alleged Prof. -- I made it up, but it sounded nice, so I left it.

I get your point on the theme. I will come up with something memorable, something that
"gets planted in the reader's mind the way a ninja's grappling hook secures her to the building."
:)

wiggie

Apr 8, 2010

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MBA finance, an operation manager in a restaurant [5]

I think you should focus more on your skills. What I find good about the essay is sticking to a theme: the dream your father had and that has been transferred to you. Even though this is the theme it shouldn't be the strongest selling point. Try to sell yourself more, as you did in the third paragraph.

I would structure it like this: start with your father's dream, the problems in you country, etc. then go on to your dream and your aspirations in financial management. Then you can go on and state what you did and what you learned and how you contributed. After that you can say why you chose the institution etc.

Overall try to make shorter sentences.

here are some corrections regarding language in the 2nd paragraph:
My father always wanted to be a successful businessman. Unfortunately the unstable political situation in xxxx has had a great impact on the economy and he was unable to start the enterprise. Now that things are better, I want to live the dream my father never realised. It is this inspiration which keeps me going and I work hard in order to accomplish it.

wiggie

Apr 8, 2010

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]

Dear EssayForum members,

I have finally completed my STORI and it was a lot harder and took a lot longer than expected. I would like to let you know that I am not completely happy with it, therefore I would be glad if you could give me as many tips as possible. I read in the forum a post by EF_Kevin saying that one should stick to a theme. I tried to do that by sticking to the Romania - education theme.

So far all that has been asked for the application is a statement of research interests or motivation letter and a tip: "As a tip, just make clear in your statement of research interests or in your letter how you can contribute with your background." Here it is:

Dear Prof. Dr.

After doing both my bachelor's and master's degrees in physics I decided to take a break from academia in order to get a better grasp of organization and leadership. Together with a good friend I am Managing Partner for a startup in some country. I very much like running a company, yet I could never get the thought out of my head, that the most enjoyable part of my working life was scientific research, especially neuroscience. It was such a nag that I decided to do a PhD, and the neuroscience department at some university seems to be the perfect fit.

It was at the university of xyz that I was first exposed to research; in the Acoustics Group I measured the ground impedance of lawn, gravel and pavement, among other materials, and some of these measured impedances were used in the revision of the ANSI S1.18 standard.

My interests in acoustics and signal processing led me to develop an invertible audio coding algorithm which uses psychoacoustic phenomena (such as spectral and temporal masking) but also takes advantage of the signal conversion in the cochlea from a mechanical wave to neuronal firing. The research was part of my bachelor thesis: "Audio Coding Using Spectro-Temporal Masking" under the supervision of Prof. Dr. Ing. XYZ. My research rewarded me with considerable knowledge about hearing and audio processing, and my thesis greatly improved my programming and Matlab abilities.

Following my bachelor thesis my focus turned to hearing research. During my internship at the xyz university, I analyzed the implications of simultaneous reflection masking, where a test reflection is masked by the direct sound. The study, involving both normal listeners and hearing impaired subjects, investigated the effects of binaural reflection enhancement and binaural reflection suppression. We successfully proved that the latter seems to involve mechanisms that are robust to auditory-internal noise-floor and hearing-impairment. The results were presented and published in the proceedings of the International Symposium on Auditory and Audiological Research, Helsingřr, Denmark, 2008.

The completion of my master of science thesis and interdisciplinary courses such as "Neurocognition" and "Biophysics and Neuronal Physics" strongly sparked my interest in neuroscience. In the thesis "Functional MRI Activation Maps in Response to Interaural Time and Phase Differences", directed by Dr. xyz, I used a Siemens Sonata 1.5T fMRI scanner to record neuronal activity in normal hearing patients. The data, analyzed with SPM5 in Matlab, was used to investigate the accuracy of the Jeffress model of sound source localization in the human auditory brain stem and auditory cortex. Of all the topics that I have had the opportunity to research, I found the study in the human brainstem and auditory cortex to be the most rewarding.

I have been very fortunate to have such wonderful opportunities during my tenure as a student and researcher; technical discussions, using logical thought to solve problems, teamwork and independent work, presentation of my achievements and my continual education have provided me with immense pleasure. Teaching is also something I very much enjoyed, both as a tutor and as a capoeira instructor. I thus came to realize that a PhD is the one thing that embodies all of the above, and I would very much like to be an original contributor to knowledge.

I am very interested in studying the brain using imaging methods such as fMRI, ERP and MEG, since these methods allow studying interactions of neural populations rather than single neurons. Neuroscience sub-fields that attract me are perception (e.g. auditory or visual), consciousness, attention, awareness and plasticity. In particular I am very interested in Prof. McAlpine's Neural Coding of Complex Sounds group. One of his publications has been a strong source for my master's thesis. Although my research so far dealt with perception I do not want to limit myself to this, and the one extra year of preparation at UCL is perfect for me to discover areas of neuroscience with the help of courses such as Advanced Neuroanatomy, Pain or Neurobiology of Behaviour. By the time I finish my PhD I hope to already have found a position as a postdoctoral fellow, and eventually I would like to lead my own neuroscience research group.

The reason I choose to apply to the neuroscience PhD program of xyz is my background as a physicist. My training has helped me develop strong statistical methodology such as statistical signal processing and statistical modelling, both of which are extensively used in neuroscience. Although having done some neuroscience courses, I still feel that I need to prepare more to get a better grasp of the field, and the extra one year is perfect for that. I am confident that your department can benefit from my enthusiasm, diligence, and analytical thinking. Applying theory to find new ways to approach a problem and derive a solution that produces worthwhile data is one of the most beautiful things a researcher can experience, and I would be very happy to share this joy with your institution. All that I need is an opportunity and an opening.

Thank you for taking the time to read my application.

Best Regards,