Posts by viebboy

viebboy

Jul 16, 2010

Writing Feedback / Ielts topic high levels of violence in films today :D [8]

Films now play an essential role in our lives. They are not only as a tool to help people reduce stress, but also as a beautiful art for people enjoyment. However, people now are [are now] influenced by many films containing more sex or violence [should be pornography content] . In addition to this, the spread of high violent films is becoming more serious than [ever] before. This essay will examine some disadvantages of these films and list some ways to deal with them [should be feasible/practical solutions]

Films consist too many violent scenes which can cause different types of bad effects on this modern society [redundant]. Firstly, children who are sensitive and innocent will be affected than others. They are easily attracted by some awesome actions in films including several activities of fighting, catching, or even killing people. It is good to announce [should be undeniable] that children can learn any useful information from Television programs such as cartoons and science fiction films in order to develop their interaction skills. Nonetheless, this brings more harm than benefit. Moreover, weapons frequently appear in violent films,[should have a comma] which is also a reason why a large number of children from the early ages between eight and fifteen playing with gun or sword toys. This makes children more aggressive which then , [should have a comma] behave badly with their peers and sometimes disobey their parents. Another group o [of] people being victims of these films is teenager. After watching , Teenagers tend to make friend with bad guys and they sometimes attempt to steal [should be pillage] money by using weapons. It can be one of explanations due to a quantity of criminals who are studying at schools.

Violence in films is extremely dangerous for society. There are otherwise many good methods to prevent it. Parents first should observer [shoud be observe or be an observer of ] their children carefully and restrict them from watching these bad materials. They also need to stimulate their children to play sports or exercise more. Futhermore, Governments try to organize some moral courses which assist children and teenagers behave better and finally they need to release some suitable programs for their younger citizens.

In conclusion, there are still several arguments regarding high violence in films, but the prevention of them can be successful if old residents and government have some useful policies to stop the dreadful spread of these films.

Note :
You tend to use the word "some" too much:d
The second paragraph should be shorter - it's better to divide the 2nd paragraph into 2 paragraphs

viebboy

Jun 26, 2010

Writing Feedback / Extracurricular activities bring various benifits to both students [2]

this is my essay:). i wrote this a month ago:d
A report in Global Education Rating states that schools which give adequate fund to student's sports and social activities get higher rank than others. This evidence proves that it is better for universities and schools to give the same funding support to students' extracurriculars. It also supports my belief that extracurricular activities bring various benifit to both students and the universites themselves.

Firstly, If a university invests as much money in extracurriculars as in its classes and libraries, It will graduate well-rounded students, which is the goal of every university. Students do not go to school just for learning things in the textbooks. While improving their minds, they can also improve their social life by extracurricular activities in school. For example, they need to have access to athletic facilities to take care of their bodies, social activities provide co-operating skill and fulfil their interests. Furthermore, these activities not only reduce their stress after learning in classes but also help to discover students' talent. Having active and social lives increases overall quaility of their life.

Secondly, giving enough funding to extracurriculars also enhances the university's reputation and makes it more appealing to better students. For examples, Microwave, a famous rock band in nation university of Vietnam, gains positive attentions from high school students. These nonacademic groups help to attract better students who are intersted in not only academics but also in school's other activities. As a result,the quality of undergraduates will rise and make the college a better and attractive place itself.

In conclusion, It is very important to give equal funds to academics and extracurriculars. Sports and social activities help college and university graduate active students, also these enhance the college's reputation and attract better students by famous sports teams or nonacademic achievements.

viebboy

May 14, 2010

Writing Feedback / School teach for career or general knowledge (IELTS test) [NEW]

i'm prepairing for the IELTS test and my teacher give me this topic question. help me to check for my essay about grammar, ideas, development... please

topic question : schools (universities, colleges and high schools) should teach students about specific careers and jobs instead of general subjects.

my essay

there are two points of view that whether schools should educate students about particular jobs or general things.In my country, some high schools have started to provide classes teaching students working skills for each job. According to me, i agree that schools ought to give students courses that teach them about specific careers to help them start career training early and to save time from unneeded classes.

Firstly, it will be useful for every student to start career training early when they are at high school. At the moment, many graduates lack of job skills so they can not find their job after graduating or whether they could find job, it would not be suitable for them. Furthermore,a lot of companies now complain about their new staffs who lack working skills and some of them have to be retrained in courses that teach them needed skills for their task in the companies. Therefore, school need to educate better and focus on a specific career for every students. For example, by providing various job training classes, many school now help their students who take these classes get used to their future job and working environment. As a result, they will do their job better in future.

Secondly, almost all the students do not want to waste their time on unneeded classes. For example, there are so many classes i have to take at high school, however, it seems that some of them do not really give me knowledge that will be needed for my job in the future. Moreover, i feel that i am wasting time which i can spend on some classes focusing on my career. As having the same thought as me, many students now want to disrupt classes that they do not want to take or even more bad, some of them do not pay attention in the class and cause disturbing to other students who really want to concentrate on these classes. Therefore,while teaching general knowledge, schools should offer their students training courses about career in order to avoid wasting time of their students.

to sum up, i believe that it is better for students if the schools give them classes focusing on specific careers or jobs to help them get used to the job they choose and save their time from unneeded subjects. i wonder that which school wants to graduate unskillful students?