Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: More stress for younger generation? [11]

Nowadays, whether or not the younger generation suffers from more stress than their predecessors is a debatable issue. While many people believe stress is a serious problem that should deserve much concern from the public, others are of the opinion that the situation is just exaggerated.

Secondly, thanks to urbanization and overpopulation, the young generation nowadays becomes much more isolated from each other .

This doesn't work because the young generation is one entity (in other words, it's onegeneration rather than manyyoung people). And the phrase 'each other' can only refer to more than one entity. Since the generation is only one, it doesn't work. You could say:

Secondly, thanks to urbanization and overpopulation, today's youngsters become much more isolated from each other.

As a matter of fact, as the older generations didn't enjoy the advanced medical system as well as the modern technology we have today, they might haveexperienced greater strains in terms of hard and tedious work, poverty, and illnesses.

Moreover, many years ago, the majority of the world population worked in agriculture, which means that many people were put under enormous pressure from unpredicted natural disasters that could lead to crop loss and starvation on a large scale.

As far as I am concerned , the recorded number of people who commit suicide because of stress in today's society is greater than at any other times in the past.

How do suicides concern you personally? I hope they don't. You could say:

According to my research, the recorded number of people who commit suicide because of stress in today's society is greater than at any other times in the past.

Therefore, it is urgent that action is taken by individuals and governments alike to ease the strains put on younger generation.

Great work, Cathead_2307!
Your essay is very well structured and supported. The minor things that I pointed out you can easily overcome with a little practice. I would also recommend that you read my blog article about how to write a great thesis statement right here (copy and paste):

tutorphil/?p=31

Keep it up,

Phil

Essays / A starting sentence? Essay for college entrance exam. [3]

Just a suggestion:

"I remember the day I decided to become an engineer."

And then just describe that day. I think that it would help to show what exactly your interests and a chosen major are right form the start. Few students enter college knowing what they want. This could make a difference.

Phil

Graduate / "to provide healthcare to families in rural areas" help, Physician Assistant essay [2]

Look, Petrina.

I think that this is a perfect admissions essay.
First of all, the whole thing is a personal story, which is nice.
It also begins with a more specific personal story (making it even more personal and touching).
Really, this is so much better than most people's essays that are so often written in fancy language and lack a heart.
Maybe, get rid of the hobby part - it has nothing to do with being a PA. And you already are very open and sincere in this essay. Yes - those people want to know more about you, but the part about handmade soaps, etc., may be a little too personal, and they may not care. Being relevant is key.

Other than that - don't change a word.

Phil

Writing Feedback / Ielts topic high levels of violence in films today :D [8]

Azeri,

You've done an excellent job in your proofreading. You're absolutely right: shortening sentences usually makes them more powerful and elegant.

Keep up the nice work, guys.

Phil

Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]

Exactly - examples, quotes, research. You could include anything that serves to support your points. Just make sure that you keep everything in its place. Here's what I mean: don't discuss B evidence in section A; don't bring up A in section C, and so on. Keep everything in its proper place.

All of this is easier said than done, but once you have practiced a little, you should get a hang of it, and your writing life should become more fun. That's the whole point.

Keep writing,

Phil

Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]

Ershad, You see, your thesis statement should not only state your main point, but also show the reader how you intend to prove that it's true.

Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]

Hey, by the way, Ershad,
How do you post a link in your reply so that it's clickable (the way you did in your previous comment)?

Thanks,

Phil

Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]

Ershad,

Regardless of your young age and lack of experience, as you say, you've put together a very interesting argument that I'd be interested in reading when it's finished. Those 'Odyssey years' are a concept I never heard about, although I've been conscious of it at some level. See, this entire piece of writing that you present is a very good thesis statement that you never develop. It simply needs some support to 'hold water,' so to speak.

Your first two paragraphs explain and define the concept of 'odyssey years,' and that is very important because if you don't, not everyone will understand what your essay is really about. So, that's very good.

Your third paragraph presents three reasons why people are led into this period of their lives. You introduce enough material in this paragraph to write a book if you really wanted to. But, instead, you present a completely new argument in the fourth paragraph, which is about getting out of the 'odyssey years.'

Do you see what I'm trying to say? How people get into that period in their lives and how they get out of it are two large topics that you can write volumes about.

Now, don't get me wrong - you can definitely include all of what you say in the first four paragraphs in one essay. But then, like I mentioned before, those four paragraphs are your thesis statement which implies to the reader that your evidence will be structured in the following manner:

Section 1:
People get into the odyssey years for three reasons.
Reason 1.
Reason 2.
Reason 3.

Section 2:
People can get out of it the following way (or ways):
Way 1
Way 2, etc.

Hope this helps.

Phil

Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]

Hey, Ershad. Is this a complete essay, or just the opening paragraphs?

Essays / Help writing an Interest Essay [the Medical Diagnostic Sonographer program] [6]

Post it, Erik. I'd love to take a look at it, as I'm sure would others on this forum as well. Good work!

Essays / Help writing an Interest Essay [the Medical Diagnostic Sonographer program] [6]

Hi, Erik.

Usually, the challenge with getting started is really not the absence of ideas, but too many ideas buzzing like one huge cloud of bees in the student's head. Now that will overwhelm anyone and paralyze you before you even begin.

Look, I'm sure you have some good reasons to be applying for the program. You just probably never sat down to think about them. And think of this essay as a chance to do just that.

Now - the question they ask you is full of helpful advice. And here's why: it gives you three distinct sections to structure your essay. What are they? They are your 1. Intellectual 2. Academic 3. Career interests.

Do you see that? Unjumble (so to speak) the question and take it apart. Let's look at these closer. First, your intellectual interests. Any educational program, especially a medical program, will have enough content to be interesting to you. Advice: look up the curriculum (all the courses of the program) and see if any particular courses would simply be more interesting to you than others because they speak to your existing interests and knowledge. And then include that in your first part.

Second, your academic interests. You can make this one different from the first part. While in the first section you'll be talking about your existing interests and knowledge, in the second part you could (again, after looking at the curriculum) describe what you are looking forward to learning that you never knew anything about before.

In the third section you will discuss your career interests, which may include helping people or even learning the business.

I hope you'll find this helpful to get you started. By the way, the second part of the original question - about any activities you have engaged in that are relevant to the program - you could discuss those within the first and the third sections of your answer pretty easily if you just relax and trust yourself.

Hope this helps,

Phil

P.S. Kevin - good to be here. I'm glad there's a place students can go to for their writing needs 24/7. Cool site!

Dissertations / PhD Topic Efficiency and Productivity of Out Patient Departments [9]

Hey, Arathi.

Here's a suggestion:

It looks like your thesis contains two parts: Efficiency and Productivity.
So, now you have two distinct parts (sections) you will be discussing. So, look up the exact definitions of the words 'efficiency' and 'productivity,' and this will help you talk about your thesis and then write it.

You see, your most important work begins in your brain as you try to come up with material. So, establish a clear difference between these two words and you will have two clear separate sections. Then, within each section, try to subdivide further into topics (subsections). Understanding the exact definitions of the words and concepts will help you do that.

Was this helpful at all?
If so, I could elaborate on it a little more. Remember - the thesis statement is everything. You should have at least the entire thesis statement written out before you can present your topic.

Good luck,

Phil

Writing Feedback / Educational benefits of computers [4]

Lorena,

Overall - nice work. Your thesis includes the actual summary of the content, and your essay has two distinct sections - on how computers facilitate multitasking, and on how they help organize information. That's nice - I like it that you keep all the material in its proper section. In other words, when you talk about multitasking, you don't talk about organization, and in the second section you only discuss organization and thus keep it clean. Nice.

As for the thesis statement - it could use some work. Here's the issue: you begin the essay by insinuating that life without computers would stink. In fact, you devote first three sentences to that part of the argument. And then you use the word "however" and describe the second part of the argument, which is that computers make students' lives so much better.

You see, your thesis presents two larger sections - 1. how life would be without computers (exhausting and impossible, according to you), and 2. how life is so easy with computers. But in your essay you only discuss the second part. Do you see what I mean?

You could do one of two things:
Either:
1. Write out a nice little two-part section in which you describe how life would be (and was before computers became available) without computers. It would be a two-part section because you have two topics: multitasking and organization of information. And when you're done with that, you could present the rest of your essay the way you already have it.

OR:
2. Just remove the unnecessary stuff from your thesis and stick to your main point, which is that computers improve students' lives in two ways: first, they allow students to multitask, and second, they help organize information.

Hope this helps,

Phil
TutorPhilBlog.com

Writing Feedback / His name represents the basketball. Michael Jordan was a legend. [4]

Nice work, Shih-han.

Your essay does what it's supposed to do. It poses a thesis and then supports it. And you have accomplished that nicely.
Grammar aside, I have only one issue with the content. You say in your thesis that you want to meet Michael Jordan because you play basketball. But, you see, according to your essay, that's not the real reason you want to meet that superstar. The real reason is that you admire him for a number of reasons which you discuss.

Do you see the difference?
Think about it for a moment - it will make sense to you.

Good work,

Tutor Phil