Undergraduate / Credible college + earning a meaningful degree - Purdue Undergrad Essay [4]

Purdue is a very good school and I congradulate you!
However, your essay needs serious work in order to be recognized.
Your essay should be tasteful and interesting. Embellish it with adjectives and wind it together as if it was a story. Admission officers will not want to sit through an essay that they find uninteresting, and if they do, that will definitely effect your chances of getting it!

You sound hardworking, but you do not focus on one thought. Don't just "say" it, let the reader "see" it. Jumping from one point or another willl not get you a good review. Focus on one or two MAIN ideas and work it into something thought provoking.

Lets work this out step by step: ( I will give examples from my college essays)
Introducton- instead of jumping in and saying yoru goal straight up, tell them the story first.
Start with the hook! ("The storm surge caused the whole southern region to black out) The reader is wondering what on earth happened to you !"

Then embellish ("The hurricane took the people by surprise. The only comfort was my family near, but still, constant fear ached in my core. ") Now it makes more sense.

Then give the goal/main idea of your story. ("Throughout my experience during Katrina, I found out more about myself then I would have otherwise. ")

Its more interesting is it not?

I'm already seeing many things you can embellish on your essay. Talk on why Union's future is in demise? What reason's did your parents have for not attending college?

What reason's are you motivated to attend college?
A great idea would be to talk about that moment in time you knew you wanted to go to college.
*** Remember this essay is about what the colleges seeing the reader, so let them see you ! They don't want to know about themselves.

Scholarship / Scholarship question: How has performing arts effected my life? (493 words used) [6]

I have never been to Broadway, and if given right now I would fail a quiz (awkard phrasing) on stage parts yet performing arts has given me confidence to always be myself , concentration skills for anything I do and a community of support.

All throughout middle and elementary school I was labeled the 'weird' girl <--double quotes on "wierd girl". It seemed any time I tried to make friends I made more enemies . So when I moved to a new area I thought I can survive (delete a lot) easier these next four years if I just stay quiet. So I walked into Blake high school (name of high school is Blake High School) with my new Ipod Nano and Diary (lower case diary) and thought these will be my friends. In classes 1-4 I managed to keep to myself as I had planed but then 5th period came it was Mrs. Roots drama class I already knew this class would be different because there were no assigned seats; I , of course, sat alone away from what I saw as possible enemies. But as soon as Mrs. Roots walked in she directed us to form a circle to play the memory name game where everyone introduced themselves by saying there name and giving a key move. I was first since, I sat by the teacher, and as my teacher explained the directions about a billion idea's for what my move would be crossed my mind When the game started I said Jestina and clapped my hands once. As the circle went on and I saw some of the moves I thought of followed by the approval of the rest of the class I thought 'wow these kids are really different' and after one 45 minute class I realized that in this class it might just be ok to be Jestina S**. After a week I knew their names and each time we played the name game I got more and more comfortable with myself and did any move I could think of. When we started to watch plays and operas, not only was I not shy to share (was more confident in sharing ) my opinion but there were kids that seemed quiet in other classes that always participated in drama. We began to sit together at lunch give each other tips on how to excavate our characters better and ultimately they became a real supportive family. By the end of the year when we and several other high school went to performe Taming of The Shrew at The Verizon Center I was no longer shy or afraid and thou I did not land the part of Katherine as I had hoped I understood the importance of my part and ultimately the importance of myself.

Mrs. Roots drama class may have the next Cuba Gooding Jr. in it or the next Madonna or it may not. Regardless I'm sure I can speak for everyone in saying that performing arts gave us a feeling of importance an outlet for expression and just a whole lot of fun.

Jestina,
As I read your essay , you seem to be a bit unassertive. Try to emphasize on your confidence when you overcame your challenge instead of your previous emotions in life. I cannot give you real corrections on this because it is an abstract idea that you can only achieve through correct mindset.

Wish you luck!

Scholarship / A chance to blossom! "Why do you deserve this scholarship?" [2]

all in all...
pcvrz34g, you use a very vivid metaphore of yourself as a flower blossoming. I like the idea, but you can expand on it more. Give more details on the flower and how it relates to you, and not just on a superficial level. Creating more depth to the metaphore sucks the reader in. Think of it like this. If you were the reader, would you like to read this piece? and again? and again?

supportive details...
were chasing after ants that infested our floors ? I know you mean that to support the idea that you were in poverty, but it doesn't add up right. Try to embellish the thought and connect those ideas a bit better

no um's or but's about it!
The reader knows you know ;). So instead of stating it like your opinion, make it a fact
bit weak- I know I've truly blossomed through whatever challenges came my way for the past eighteen years
stronger - I've truly blossomed through whatever challenges came my way for the past eighteen years
(a lil bit of embellishment, a lil bit of interesting ...) Though I faced countless challenges for the past eighteen years, I not whither. I rose higher and blossomed .... (see?)

grammar...
Try to stick with first or second person and not both. You can take out the "to you"s (1st paragraph ).

I cannot say I found all the mistakes;however I hope its a start. Good luck!